||Im always in traffic with the lane expert. You know this type of person? Constantly reevaluating their lane choice. Never quite sure, Is this the best lane for me? For my life? Theyre always a little bit ahead of you, Can I get in over there? Could I get in over here? Could I get in there? Yeah, come on over here, pal. Were zoomin over here. This is the secret lane, nobody knows about it. The ultimate, I think the ultimate psychological test of traffic is the total dead stop. Not even rolling. And you look out the window, you can see gum clearly. So we know that in the future traffic will get even worse than that. I mean, what will happen? Will it start moving backwords, I wonder? I mean, is that possible? That someday well be going, (Jerry pretends hes driving in reverse.) Boy, this is some really bad traffic now, boy. This, is really bad. Im gonna try to get off and get back on going the other way.
||She cant kill me right?
||No, of course not.
||People break up all the time.
||It just didnt work out. What can I do? I wanted to love her. I tried to love her. I couldnt.
||I kept looking at her face. Id go, Cmon, love her. Love her!
||Did you tell her you loved her?
||Oh, I had no choice. She squeezed it out of me! Shed tell me she loved me. All right, at first, I just look at her. Id go, Oh, really? Or uh, Boy, thats, thats something. But, eventually you have to come back with, Well, I love you. You know, you can only hold out for so long.
||Youre a human being.
||And I didnt even ask her out. She asked me out first. She called me up. What was I supposed to do? Say no? (laughs) I cant do that to someone.
||Youre too nice a guy.
||I am. Im a nice guy. And she seduced me! We were in my apartment, Im sitting on the couch, shes on the chair. I get up to go to the bathroom, I come back, shes on the couch. What am I supposed to do? Not do anything? I couldnt do that. I wouldve insulted her.
||Youre flesh and blood.
||I had nothing to do wtih any of this! I met all her friends, I didnt want to meet them. I kept trying to avoid it. I knew it would only get me in deeper. But they were everywhere! They kept popping up all over the place. This is Nancy, this is Susan, this is Amy, this is my cousin, this is my brother, this is my father... Its like Im in quicksand.
||I told you when I met her.
||My back is killing me.
||You gotta go to my chiropractor, hes the best.
||Oh yeah, everybodys guy is the best.
||Im gonna make an appointment for you. Well go together.
||Please. They dont do anything. Look, do I have to break up with her in person? Cant I do it over the phone? I-I have no stomach for these things.
||You should just do it like a Band-Aid. One motion! Right off!
||Hey, what are you doing?
||Im letting you in.
||Oh no. No. I dont want to sit in the back. Ill be left out of the conversation.
||No, you wont.
||Yes, I will, George. Ill have to stick my chin on top of the seat.
||Why cant you sit in the middle?
||Please, it doesnt look good. Boy, boy, girl.
||Youre afraid to sit next to a man. Youre a little homophobic, arent ya?
||Is it that obvious?
||Did you get a haircut?
||No, shower. So, where are we eating?
||Tell me if you think this is strange. Theres this guy who lives in my building, who I was introduced to a couple of years ago by a friend. Hes a uh teacher, or something. Anyway, after we met, whenever wed run into each other on the street, or in the lobby, or whatever, we would stop and we would chat a little. Nothing much. Little pleasantries. Hes a nice guy, hes got a family. Then after a while, I noticed there was not more stopping. Just saying hello and continuing on our way. And then the verbal hellos stopped, and we just went into these little sort of nods of recognition. So, fine. I figure, thats where this relationship is finally gonna settle polite nodding. Then one day, he doesnt nod. Like I dont exist?! He went from nods to nothing.
||(singing; imitating Tony Bennett) You know, Id go from nods to nothing...
||And now, theres this intense animosity whenever we pass. I mean, its like we really hate each other. Its based on nothing.
||A relationship is an organism. You created this thing and then you starved it so it turned against you. Same thing happened in The Blob.
||I think you absolutely have to say something to this guy. Confront him.
||You would do that?
||If I was a different person.
||Hello... Hello. Is Glen there?... Im sorry. Is this 805-555-3234?... Yes, I know I have the wrong number, but I just want to know if I dialed wrong or if...
||(to the intercom) Come on up.
||(to the phone) Oh, its you again. See, now if you had answered me, I wouldnt have had to do this. Now thats two long distance calls I made to you why cant you... (The guy hangs up on Jerry again; to nobody) Why? Why do they just hang up like that? Thank you very much.
||No, I just had a sandwich.
||No, taste it. Taste it.
||I dont want cantaloupe now.
||Youve never had cantaloupe like this before...
||I only eat cantaloupe at certain times...
||...Jerry. This is great cantaloupe.
||Uh-huh. Its good?
||Its very good.
||I got it at Joes.
||Forty-nine cents a pound. Thats practically half than what youre paying at the supermarket. I dont know why you dont go to Joes.
||Its too far.
||Its three blocks further. You can use my shopping cart..
||Im not pulling a shopping cart. What, am I suppose to wear a kerchief? Put stockings on and roll em down below my knee?
||See, the other thing is, if you dont like anything, he takes it right back.
||I dont return fruit. Fruit is a gamble. I know that going in.
||Im outta there. I did it! Its over.
||You did it? What happened?
||I told her. In the kitchen which was risky cause its near all the knives. I started with the word Listen.
||I said, Listen Marlene, and then the next thing I know, Im in the middle of it. And theres this voice inside of me going, Youre doing it! Youre doing it! And then she started to cry, and I weakened a bit. I almost relented, but the voice, Jerry, the voice said, Keep going, keep going. Youre almost out! Its like I was making a prison break, you know, and Im heading for the wall, and I trip and I twist my ankle, and they throw the light on you, you know. So, somehow I get though the crying and I keep running. Then the cursing started. Shes firing at me from the guard tower. Son of a bang! Son of a boom! I get to the top of the wall the front door. I opened it up, Im one foot away, I took one last look around the penitentiary, and I jumped!
||See, its never as bad as you imagine.
||I liked Marlene. Whats her number?
||Uh, no, I, I dont think so.
||(to Kramer) Could you stop that smacking?
||George, I want you to taste this cantaloupe.
||Oh no, thank you.
||Its the best cantaloupe I ever had.
||No, really. No, no, thanks.
||Jerry, tell him how good this cantaloupe is.
||Its very good cantaloupe. (Kramer leaves; to George) So thats it? Youre out?
||Except for one small problem. Hah, I left some books in her apartment.
||So, go get them.
||Oh, no no, I cant go back there. Jerry, its so awkward and, you know, it could be dangerous sexually. Something could happen, Id be right back where I started from.
||So forget about the books. Did you read them?
||What do you need them for?
||I dont know. Theyre books.
||What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like theyre trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?
||Theyre my books.
||So you want me to get the books? Is that it?
||...so, it mustve been ninety-five degrees that night, and everyones just standing around the pool with little drinks in their hands. I was wearing my old jeans and t-shirt. And I dont know, I was just in one of those moods. So I said to myself, Marlene, just do it. And I jumped in. And as Im getting out, I feel all these eyes on me, and I look up and everyone is just staring at me.
||So whatd you do?
||Well, nothing. Its no skin off my hide if people like to look. I just didnt see what the big attraction was.
||Well, I have a general idea what it was. I could take a guess.
||Hey, you know, Jerry, just because George and I dont see each other anymore, it doesnt mean we shouldnt stay friends.
||Good enough. Im really glad we got that settled.
||I dont know how this happened.
||Jerry, its not my fault.
||No, no. Its not your fault. Books, books, I need my books. Have you re-read those books yet, by the way? You know the great thing? When you read Moby Dick the second time, Ahab and the whale become good friends. You know, its not like Marlenes a bad person or anything, but, my God! I mean, weve had like three lunches and a movie, and she never stops calling. (George nods.) And its these meaningless, purposeless, blather calls. She never asks if Im busy or anything. I just pick up the phone, and shes in the middle of a sentence!
||It's standard. Has she left you one of those messages where she uses up the whole machine?
||(disgusted) Ohh! You know, and sometimes shell go, (imitates Marlene) Hello, Jerry? And Ill go, Oh, hi Marlene. And then its Jerry...
||I dunno sometimes...
||What trying to get off the phone?
||(more disgusted) Ohhhh! You cant! Its impossible! Theres no break in the conversation where you can go, All right then... You know, it just goes on and on and on without a break in the wall. I mean, I gotta put a stop to this.
||Just do it like a Band-Aid. One motion. Right off! (beat) She is sexy though. Dont you think?
||Yeah. Yes, she is.
||The doctor will see you now.
||(to Jerry, sarcastically) Yeah, doctor. Im going to have to wait in that little room all by myself, arent I? (He picks up a crossword puzzle.) I better take this. I hate the little room. (George walks into the hallway that leads to the doctors office.) Oh, hello, Doctor.
||The waiting room. I hate when they make you wait in the room. Cause it says Waiting Room. Theres no chance of not waiting. Cause they call it the waiting room, theyre gonna use it. Theyve got it. Its all set up for you to wait. And you sit there, you know, and youve got your little magazine. You pretend youre reading it, but youre really looking at the other people. You know, youre thinking about about them. Things like, I wonder what hes got. As soon as she goes, Im getting her magazine. And then, they finally call you and its a very exciting moment. They finally call you, and you stand up and you kinda look around at the other people in the room. Well, I guess Ive been chosen. Ill see you all later. You know, so you think youre going to see the doctor, but youre not, are you? No. Youre going into the next waiting room the littler waiting room. But if they are, you know, doing some sort of medical thing to you, you want to be in the smallest room that they have, I think. You dont wnat to be in the largest room that they have. You know what I mean? You ever see these operating theaters, that they have, with like, stadium seating? You dont want them doing anything to you that makes other doctors go, I have to see this! Are you kidding? Are they really gonna do that to him? Are there seats? Can we get in? Do they scalp tickets to these things? I got two for the Winslow tumor, I got two...
||So, how was it?
||I was in there for two minutes. He didnt do anything. Touch this, feel that seventy-five bucks!
||Well, its a first visit.
||Whats seventy-five bucks?! What, am I seeing Sinatra in there?! Am I being entertained? I dont understand this. Im only paying half.
||You cant do that.
||Hes a doctor. You gotta pay what he says.
||Oh, no no no. I pay what I say.
||Are you feeling weird?
||No, Im fine.
||Nothing really happened.
||Yeah, I know.
||We just kissed a little. People kiss.
||(belated) Good night.
||I got it! This time, I got it!
||Hips! See, its all hips.
||You gotta come through with the hips first.
||That is out there.
||Well, is it good?
||Its uh okay.
||Let me taste it.
||See, that stinks. You cant eat that. You should take that back.
||Im not taking it back.
||All right, Ill take it back. Im going by there.
||I dont care about it.
||Jerry, you should care. Cantaloupe like this should be taken out of circulation.
||All right. Take it back.
||Leave a message, Ill call you back.
||(from the phone) Jerry, have you ever taken a bath in the dark? If Im not talking into the soap right now, call me back.
||(smiles) Oh. Oh, Marlene...
||Yeah, I took her home one night we kinda started up a little bit in the car.
||I thought you were trying to get rid of her?
||I was. But, shes got me, like, hypnotized.
||Does George know?
||No, hed go nuts.
||Yeah, no kidding.
||I feel terrible. (Kramer smiling) I mean, Ive seen her a couple of times since then, and I know I cant go any further, but... Shes just got this like, psychosexual hold over me. I just want her, I cant breathe. Its like a drug.
||I dont know how Im going to tell him.
||Man, I dont understand people. I mean, why would George want to deprive you of pleasure? Is it just me?
||Its partially you, yeah.
||Youre his friend. Better that she should sleep with someone else? Some jerk that he doesnt even know?
||Well, he cant kill me, right?
||Youre a human being.
||I mean, she called me. I havent called her. She started it.
||Youre flesh and blood.
||Im a nice guy.
||(excited) Oh, my little airplane lamp.
||You know, you have the slowest elevator in the entire city. Thats hard to get used to when youre in so many other fast ones.
||Well, the apartment elevators are always slower than the offices, because you dont have to be home on time.
||Unless youre married to a dictator.
||Yeah... Because they would be very demanding people.
||Right. Exactly. So I imagine at some point somebodys going to offer me some cantaloupe?
||Nope. No good.
||Well, you know what they say. Lucky in love, Unlucky with fruit.
||Well, Im taking this back.
||So, I had what you might call a little encounter this morning.
||Really? That guy who stopped saying hello?
||You talked to him?
||Yes. I spotted him getting his mail. And at first, I was just going to walk on by, but then I thought, No no no. No. Do not be afraid of this man.
||So, I walked up behind him and I tapped him on the shoulder. And I said, Hi, remember me? And he furrows his brow, as if hes really trying to figure it out. So I said to him, I said, You little phony. You know exactly who I am.
||You said "you little phony"?
||I did. I most certainly did. And he said, he goes, Oh, yeah. Youre Jeanettes friend. We did meet once. And I said, Well, how do you go from that to totally ignoring a person when they walk by?
||This is amazing.
||And he says, he says, Look, I just didnt want to say hello anymore, All right? And I said, Fine. Fine. I didnt want to say hello anymore either, but just I wanted you to know that Im aware of it!
||You are the Queen of Confrontation. Youre my new hero. In fact, youve inspired me. Im gonna call George about something right now.
||This cantaloupe stinks.
||(considers for a second) I dont care.
||No, I dont care.
||You mean that?
||You dont care?
||How could you not care?
||I dont know. But I dont. Im actually almost happy to hear it.
||I thought youd be upset.
||I guess I should be, but Im not.
||Am I a bad person? Did I do something terrible?
||Youre a fine person. Youre a humanitarian. Shes very sexy.
||That voice. That voice. Shes driving me crazy.
||I know. I know.
||So I can see her tonight, and you dont care?
||See her tonight. See her tomorrow. Go. Knock yourself out. Shes too crazy for me.
||All right. As long as youre okay. Because I cant stop thinking about her.
||Im okay. Im fine. Im wonderful. I never felt better in my whole life.
||Good. And Ill tell you what... You dont have to pay me back the thirty-five I gave to the chiropractor for the rest of your bill.
||(shocked and angry) You paid that crook?!
||I had to.
||He didnt do anything, Jerry. Its a scam! Who told you to do that?
||It was embarrassing to me.
||Oh, I was trying to make a point.
||Why dont you make a point with your own doctor? (George gulps.) Whats wrong?
||(gasping) I think I swallowed a fly! I swallowed a fly! What do I do? (He turns to a coffee shop patron at the counter.) What can happen?!
||So, you wanna come up for a few minutes?
||Im sorry, Jerry. I just dont think this is gonna work.
||Really? I thought...
||I know, Im sorry.
||Gee, I just didnt expect it from the way youve been acting.
||You sure you want to talk about this? Cause I sure dont.
||Of course I want to talk about it.
||Well, okay. I guess things changed for me on Tuesday night.
||Tuesday night? What happened Tuesday night?
||I saw your act.
||My act? Wha-What does that have to do with anything?
||Well, to be honest, it just didnt make it for me. Its just so much fluff.
||I cant believe this. So what are you saying? You didnt like my act, so thats it?
||I cant be with someone if I dont respect what they do.
||Youre a cashier!
||Look, Jerry, its just wasn't my kind of humor.
||You cant go by the audience that night. It was late. They were terrible.
||I heard the material.
||I have other stuff. Y-You should come see me on the weekend.
||Women need to like the job of the guy theyre with. If they dont like the job, they dont like the guy. Men know this. Which is why we make up the phony, bogus names for the jobs that we have. Well, right now, Im the regional management supervisor. Im in development, research, consulting... Men on the other hand if they are physically attracted to a woman are not that concerned with her job. Are we? Men dont really care. Menll just go, Really? Slaughterhouse? Is that where you work? That sounds interesting. So whaddaya got a big cleaver there? Youre just lopping their heads off? That sounds great! Listen, why dont you shower up, and well get some burgers and catch a movie.