||Well, I painted my apartment again. Ive been living in this apartment for years and years, and every time I paint it, it kinda gets me down. I look around, and I think, well, its a little bit smaller now. You know, I realize its just the thickness of the paint, but Im aware of it. It just coming in and coming in. Every-time I paint it, its closer and closer. I dont even know where the wall outlets are anymore. I just look for like a lump with two slots in it. Kinda looks like a pig is trying to push his way through from the other side. Thats where I plug in. My idea of the perfect living room would be the bridge on the Starship Enterprise. You know what I mean? Big chair, nice screen, remote control... Thats why Star Trek really was the ultimate male fantasy. Just hurtling through space in your living room, watching TV. Thats why all the aliens were always dropping in, because Kirk was the only one that had the big screen. They came over Friday nights, Klingon boxing, gotta be there.
||What did you do?
||Mousse. I moussed up.
||I guess it was just a matter of time.
||You know, I should've done this years ago. I mean, I feel like I've had two lives. My pre-mousse. And now, I begin my post-mousse. Hey, tell me the truth, have you ever seen a better looking guy?
||Well, looks are so subjective.
||I dont mean to interrupt or anything, but on Sunday, my friend is having a brunch for the New York Marathon.
||(annoyed that he forgot) Oh, I keep forgetting to enter that!
||She lives right above First Avenue, says she has a perfect view of the race. And she said I can invite some friends.
||(O.S.) No, Im not going up there.
||(to Elaine) Harold and Manny.
||Im not going.
||I slid the rent under your door, Harold. Did you get it?
||Yeah, yeah... Hey, Jerry, would you like anything from Mrs. Hudwalkers apartment?
||(in Spanish) You can't give him anything from there!
||I was only joking. (to Jerry) He thinks Im gonna give you Mrs. Hudwalkers things.
||(in Spanish) You offered them to him.
||(to Jerry) We have to go up there now and clean the apartment. Its a good thing her rent was overdue. Shed be rotting up there for a month.
||She died? Mrs. Hudwalker died?
||Ninety-four years old. I found her yesterday. She didnt have her wig on. It was horrifying.
||(in Spanish) Harold, Come on, hurry up!
||(to Manny) Whats the matter with you? Im talking! So, Jerry, you know anyone who needs an apartment?
||Are you kidding? You know my friend Elaine?
||Oh yeah, I like her. She always says hello to me.
||Its not promised to anybody? Cause shed take it in a second.
||Well, Manny wanted it for his brother, but he got deported.
||(in spanish) What do you mean deported? It was a misunderstanding with the Department of Immigration.
||Whats the difference? Its true!
||So, its okay? I could just tell her she can have it?
||Sure, sure. Shes getting a bargain, too. Its only four hundred dollars a month.
||(in Spanish) Four hundred dollars? What are you nuts? Someone will pay more.
||Hey, Harold, what do you think?
||Manny, look. Kramer put mousse in his hair.
||(in Spanish) It looks worse.
||(not understanding him) Hey, thanks.
||What was that all about?
||(coyly) Oh, nothing important.
||Whats going on? What is that look?
||What look? Nothing.
||Somethings going on here.
||I dont know if you should sit for this or not. Sitting is good if you faint, but standing is good for jumping up and down. I cant decide.
||Jumping up and down? What are you talking about? Cmon. Cough it up.
||Oh, Elaine. You know the way I am rarely ever thinking of myself. My only concern is the welfare and happiness of those close to me. Sure, it hurts sometimes to give, and give, and give...
||Would you please?
||What would you say if I told you that...
||Told me what?!
||...I got you an apartment in this building.
||You got me an apartment in the building?!
||I got you an apartment in the building.
||How did you...
||Remember Mrs. Hudwalker? The ninety-four-year-old woman who lived above me?
||(thrilled) She died?!
||And the rent is only four hundred dollars a month!
||Four hundred a month? Only four hundred a month?!
||Four hundred a month.
||And Ill be right upstairs?
||Right above you?
||Right above me.
||Oh, were neighbors. Ill be here all the time!
||All the time.
||(overly excited) We can exchange keys so we can come in and out. Oh, this is going to be great!
||All the time.
||The problem with talking is that nobody stops you from saying the wrong thing. I think life would be a lot better if it was like youre always making a movie. You mess up, somebody just walks on the set, and stops the whole shot. You know what I mean? Think of the things you wish you could take back. Youre out somewhere with people, Gee, you look pregnant.. are you? Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, thats not gonna work at all. Walk out the door, and come back in. Lets take this whole scene again. People, think about what youre saying!
||Thanks, see you later, Donna.
||What happened to you?
||You cant believe what I just did.
||What? What did you do?
||I could tell you what I did, but you wouldnt believe it. Its not believable.
||What did you do?
||How could I have done that?
||I told Elaine about an apartment opening up in my building. Shes going to move in.
||Elaines moving into your building?
||Yes. Right above me.
||Right above you?
||Youre gonna be neighbors.
||I know. Neighbors.
||Shes right above you?
||Right above me.
||How could you do that?
||Cause Im an idiot! You may think youre an idiot, but with all due respect, Im a much bigger idiot than you are.
||Dont insult me, my friend. Remember who youre talking to. No ones a bigger idiot than me.
||Did you ever ask an ex-girlfriend to move into your building?
||Did you ever go to a singles weekend in the Poconos?
||Shes right in my building! Right above me! Every time I come in the building, Im gonna have to sneak around like a cat burglar.
||Youre doomed. Youre gonna have to have all your sex at womens apartments. Itll be like a permanent road trip. Forget about the home bed advantage.
||But I need the home bed advantage.
||Of course. We all do.
||Come in for two minutes and sit with me.
||I was just in there. Its embarrassing.
||Oh, whos gonna know?
||They saw me walk out.
||My censoring system broke down. You know that little guy in your head who watches everything you say? Makes sure you dont make a mistake? He went for a cup of coffee. And in that second ruined my life.
||My censor quit two years ago. He checked into a clinic. Emotionally exhausted.
||So, is there any way out of this Elaine thing?
||You know, the water pressures terrible in my building. And she loves a good shower.
||I never heard of anyone would turned down an apartment because of a weak shower spray.
||If they were fanatic about showers, they might.
||For that rent, shed take a bath in the toilet tank if she had to.
||Look at that woman feeding her baby greasy, disgusting, coffee shop corned beef hash. Isnt that child abuse?
||Id like to have a kid. Of course, you have to have a date first... Remember my friend, Adam, from Detroit?
||Yeah, the guy with the flat head.
||Hes a cube. Anyway, he got married six months ago. He told me ever since hes been wearing a wedding band, women have been coming on to him everywhere he goes.
||Yeah, Ive heard that about wedding bands.
||I wonder if thats really true.
||That would be an interesting sociological experiment. You know, Kramer has his fathers band. Hed loan it to you.
||Thanks a lot. Ill give it back to you in a week.
||You know, I dont even know why youre fooling around with this ring. Ive been telling you, get yourself some plugs. Or a piece.
||Im not doing that.
||Oh, man. You know, youre crazy. Youre a good looking guy. What do you want to walk around like that for?
||No, Ill put half a can of mousse in my head like you.
||I told you I dont like these sponges, theyre too small! I want a big sponge!
||You cant pick up anything with these! Theres no absorption!
||Hello, Jerry. (in spanish to Harold) You tell him.
||(in spanish to Harold again) You tell him.
||Your friend cant have the apartment, Jerry.
||Because somebody offered Manny five thousand dollars for the apartment. I dont want to do it. Manny wants to do it.
||(in spanish) Why are you telling him it's my fault?
||Because its true! Why shouldnt I tell him?
||Hey, hey. I understand. Youre businessmen.
||(in spanish) Tell him that if his friend can come up with the same money then she can have the apartment.
||Oh, now, he says that if your friend has five thousand dollars, well give it to her.
||Well, thats a lot of money. But, if thats the way its gotta be, thats the way its gotta be.
||You know, I used to think that the universe is a random, chaotic sequence of meaningless events, but I see now that there is reason and purpose to all things.
||What happened to you?
||Religion, my friend, thats what happened to me. Because, I have just been informed that its going to cost Elaine the sum of five thousand dollars to get the apartment upstairs.
||(jubilant) Five thousand dollars? She doesnt have five thousand dollars!
||Of course she doesnt have five thousand dollars!
||So, she cant get the apartment.
||Cant get it.
||So, she doesnt move in.
||No move. So, you see, its all part of a divine plan.
||And how does the baldness fit into that plan?
||(to the intercom) Elaine?
||(to George) All right, this is going to require some great acting now. I have to pretend Im disappointed. Youre going to really see me being a phony, now. I hope you can take this. Maybe you should go in the other room.
||Are you kidding? I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham!
||Cause you know, I love Elaine.
||Of course you do.
||But you know... not in the building. Really, I feel terrible about this. My intentions were good. What can I do? Tell me.
||(to someone in the hallway) No, Ill be seeing you. (She enters the apartment; singing) "Good morning, good morning.. (to Jerry and George) Have you ever gotten up in the morning and felt its great to be alive? That every breath is a gift of sweet life from above?
||Oh, and before I forget, I have the checks for the first month, last months security deposit. (laughs) I have seventy-five dollars left in my account.
||Well... theres a little bit of a problem.
||Oh, I know. Theres a weak shower spray, I know. Ive already thought about it, and Im switching to baths. As Winston Churchill said, Why stand when you can sit? Maybe Ill get some rubber duckies.
||Uh, no uh, someone offered Harold and Manny five thousand for the apartment. Im sure theyd just as soon give it to you, but youd have to come up with that money.
||Five thousand dollars? I dont have five thousand dollars.
||(disappointed) How am I going to get five thousand dollars?
||I have no idea.
||(to Elaine) Hey, my new neighbor!
||Im not moving in.
||They want five thousand dollars now.
||So, okay uh whats the problem?
||I dont have five thousand dollars.
||Cmon, you can come up with five thousand dollars. (to Jerry) Jerry, you dont have five thousand dollars you can led her? Come on.
||Yeah, well, I didnt- Is that something you want to borrow?
||No, thats too much money to borrow.
||Loan her the money. You can afford it.
||She doesnt wanna borrow the money.
||Oh, cmon. Shell pay you back. Whats five grand between friends?
||Of course Id pay you back..
||Yeah, so whats the problem?
||Who said theres a problem?
||Hey see He said hed loan you the money.
||Well Jerry, it might take a while for me to pay you back. Maybe a few years. How do you feel about that?
||Thats okay. He doesnt care.
||Well, you know, money can sometimes come between friends.
||Get outta here.
||Let me think about it.
||Whats to think about?
||I dont know... I dont know. Five thousand... let me just take one more look at it.
||(to Kramer) It was all over! Taken care of. Done! Finished. Five thousand. Wheres she gonna get five thousand? She doesnt have five thousand. Clean. Good bye. Shes gone. Then you come in, Why dont you loan her five thousand? What do you care? Youve got five thousand. Give her five thousand!
||You didnt want her in the building?
||No, I didnt!
||Well, then what did you loan her the five thousand for? Oh, look, maybe she wont take it. I mean, she did say that she was gonna think about it.
||People dont turn down money. Its what separates us from the animals.
||I still dont understand what the problem is having her in the building.
||Let me explain something to you. You see, youre not normal. Youre a great guy, I love you, but youre a pod. I, on the other hand, am a human being. I sometimes feel awkward, uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain situations with the other human beings. You wouldnt understand.
||Because Im a pod?
||Ill take it!
||Oh, hi, Roxanne. Nice to be here. These are my friends. This is George, and this is Jerry.
||Jerrys the one who got me my new apartment.
||So, youre Elaines hero.
||Yes, its my lifes work.
||There are so few true heroes left in this world.
||Yeah, my wife couldnt make it today. Shes got something with her mother... Who knows whats going on with her. Dont let any one kid you, its tough.
||Well, better load up on some carbos before the race.
||Oh, the marathon is great, isnt it?
||Oh, yes. Particularly if youre not in it.
||I wish we had a view of the finish line.
||Whats to see? A woman from Norway, a guy from Kenya, and twenty thousand losers.
||...yeah, my wife started getting on me about the lawn today. Im tellin you, its one thing after another.
||Is she here?
||Uh no no, shes working.
||What does she do?
||Shes an... etymologist. You know, bees, flies, gnats. W-What about you?
||I work for the Director of Madison Square Garden. Its great! I can get free tickets to any sporting in New York. Anyway, shes a very luck woman. Enjoy the race.
||(calling after her) But..
||Hi Stan. Joanne.
||Jerry, this is Joanne, and this is Stan. Theyre in my short story class with Roxanne and me.
||Hi how are ya?
||Hey, Jerry just got me a great apartment in his building!
||Well, Jerry, itll be nice having a close friend nearby.
||(no amused) Fantastic.
||She can pop in whenever she wants.
||She doesnt even need to knock!
||Anytime of day.
||Im in heaven.
||Oh, Rita come here. This is Jerry. Hes the one who got me the apartment.
||Oh, hi. (calling to someone) Bob, this is the guy who got Elaine the apartment.
||Im sorry, I dont see the big deal about being a matador. The bull charges, you move the cape, whats so hard?
||So uh, are you really married? Because, Ive actually heard of single guys who wear wedding bands to attract women.
||(laughs) Youd have to be a real loser to try something like that.
||Thats too bad, because I really have a thing for bald guys with glasses.
||Hey everybody! Here come the runners!
||(to Jerry) So you and Roxanne are hitting it off, huh?
||Oh, I wouldnt quite say that.
||Really? From a distance, you seemed to be coming on to her.
||Im a guy it always looks like that.
||Because, I was thinking... are you at all concerned that living in the same building will, yknow... cramp our styles?
||Because, I was worried that there might be a situation in which one of us come home with somebody, it could get a little uncomfortable. But, as long as youre okay with it, its fine with me.
||Ive never been able to be with just one person. I can, however, carry on strictly physical relationships which can last for years and years. Its a shame youre married.
||Umm, Im not. Its just a sociological experiment!
||You have no idea what an idiot is. Elaine just gave me a chance to get out and I didnt take it. (pointing to himself) This is an idiot.
||Is that right? I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex, and floor seats for ever sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect. For I am Costanza Lord of the Idiots!
||(yelling out the window) Youre all winners!
||But suddenly, a new contender has emerged...
||George, I didnt sleep at all last night. I decided I have to tell her. Im just going to be honest. Thats all... Yes, Im nervous... Are you listening to me?... Just put some soap on your finger. Itll slide right off... Then try axle grease... (Kramer enters; to the phone) Ill call you back after I talk to her... Bye.
||Well, its all taken care of. Everythings cool.
||What? Whats cool?
||What are you talking about?
||I just found a guy whos willing to pay ten thousand dollars for the apartment.
||You what?! Get out! (pushes Kramer) Ten thousand?
||Who would pay that much?
||Hes in the music business.
||Elaine would never borrow that much money! (Jerry hugs Kramer, then grabs him by the cheeks.) Kramer, my God, man! This is beautiful! I think Im in the clear here. Elaines not moving in. I dont have to confront her. She has no idea I never wanted her to move in. Im golden!
||Well, occasionally I like to help the humans.
||Wow. Youre right. That is loud.
||Its just unbelievable.
||They rehearse all the time?
||All the time. Ive been up there six times. They refuse to stop. I cant live like this. I dont know what Im gonna do. Im heading for breakdown! (to Harold) Cant you do something?
||Im not going up. It stinks up there.
||(in Spanish) Theyre allowed to play until eleven oclock!
||Im not the one who said eleven oclock. He makes up his own rules.
||Boy, too bad. If I was up there, youd never hear a peep out of me. Im as quiet as a mouse.
||Oh, I love the one they do right after this one! (Starts dancing)
||I dont know. What do you do when a neighbor is making, like, a lot of noise at three oclock in the morning? I mean, can you knock on someones door and tell them to keep it down? Youre really altering your whole self-image. I mean, what am I, Fred Mertz now? Whats happening to me? Can I do this? Am I a shusher? I used to be a shushee. Theres a lot of shushing going on in movie theaters. People are always shushing. Shh... shh... shhh... shhh... Doesnt work, cause nobody knows where a shush is coming from. They just hear a shh. Was that a shush? I think somebody just shushed me. Some people you cant shush in a movie theater. Theres always that certain group of people, isnt it? Theyre talking and talking, and everyone around them is shushing them, and shushing them. They wont shush. Theyre the unshushables.