||I have to tell you that I did some very exciting news recently, and I dont know if I should really tell you exactly what it is because its really not a definite thing yet. (crowd cheers him on to tell them) Well, I will tell you what I know so far. According to the information that I have in the envelope that Ive received, it seems that I may have already won some very valuable prizes. (audience applauds) Well, thank you, thank you very much, well thank you. That's very nice to hear that. But, in all honesty, I have to say, I didnt even know I was in this thing. But, according to the readout, it looks like I am among the top people that they are considering. You know, thats what annoys me about the sweepstakes companies, they always tease you with that, You may have already won. Id like once for a sweepstakes company to have some guts, come out with the truth, just tell people the truth one time. Send out envelopes, You have definitely lost! You turn it over, giant printing, Not even close! You open it up, theres this whole letter of explanation, Even we cannot believe how badly you have done in this contest.
||(to Kramer) To the right.
||That took awhile.
||Dont get up.
||Id like to help, but my neck..
||So how long has it been in the basement?
||Since my grandfather died. I was suppose to send it down to my parents in Florida, but they didnt want it. They told me to get rid of it, but I felt funny and then I sort of forgot about it. And its been sitting down there for three years until he saw it. (to Kramer) All right, so, just take what you want and lets get it out of here.
||Whats in it?
||Grandpa clothes, I cant wear em.
||You want these? Knee socks. You dont wear knee socks.
||No, go ahead. Look at this place. I cant wait to get it cleaned.
||I know someone wholl do it. Shes good. Shes honest.
||No, Elaines got this writer friend from Finland, Rava. Her boyfriend goes to Columbia grad school, and hes suppose to do it.
||Students cant clean. Its anathema. (explaining) They dont like it.
||How long have you been waiting to squeeze that into a conversation?
||Now this I like.
||Wait a second. (George gets up and heads for the statue in Kramers hands.) I cant believe this! Let me see this.
||Wait, wait, wait...
||Let me just see it.
||Let me just see it for a second.
||Oh my God, its exactly the same!
||When I was ten years old, my parents had this very same statue on the mantle of our apartment. Exactly. And, one day, I grabbed it, and I was using it as a microphone. I was singing, MacArthur Park, and I got to the part about, Ill never have that recipe again, and it slipped out of my hand and it broke. My parents looked at me like I smashed the ten commandments. To this day, they bring it up. It was the single most damaging experience in my life, aside from seeing my father naked.
||Cmon, George. I saw it first.
||No, Kramer. I have to have this statue.
||No, I got dibs!
||What? No dibs! I need this statue. Cmon, give it!
||Spread out, spread out you numbskulls. Why dont you just settle it like mature adults?
||No, no, no potato man. Inka-dink.
||Okay...yea well uh start with me.
||Yeah, good, good.
||Inka-dink, a bottle of ink, the cork fell out, and you stink.
||Not because youre dirty, not because youre clean just because you kissed the girl behind the magazine...
||And you are it!
||What?! Wait a minute. No, no, no. What are you doing? No, no, oh, oh, okay. Hes out. I get it.
||No, no, no, no, Im It. I win.
||No, hes It. He wins. It is good.
||Do over start with him.
||No, no, no, come on, Kramer. Now, you got the socks.
||All right, you can have it. (Kramer tosses the statue to George.)
||(not expecting the statue to be thrown) Dit.
||Okay, Im gonna take the suit, and the shoes, and the hat.
||All right, cmon. Lets go.
||Hey, I look like Joe Friday in Dragnet.
||I cant believe I won at Inka-dink.
||Come on, lets go.
||Arent you gonna take it?
||No, no, no, I dont want to carry it around all night. Ill pick it up later.
||(to Kramer) What about your stuff?
||Oh, uh, well - okay.
||All right, lets go. Hey, you know, you owe me one.
||The Inka-dink.. You were It.
||Its very bad.
||Well, if they dont let you be my editor on this book, Ill go to another publisher. Its that simple.
||You told them that?
||(excited) This is so fantastic. I dont know how to thank you.
||(to Rava) So, wheres this boyfriend of yours? I cant wait much longer. Ive got a flight.
||Oh, probably caught in traffic.
||Or maybe hes dead.
||So what do you write, childrens books?
||Ah, greetings, greetings, and salutations. I beg your forgiveness. My tardiness was unavoidable. Rava, my love. Elaine, my dear friend. And you must be Jerry. Lord of the manor. Ah, my liege. A pleasure to serve you.
||And we have to get back to work.
||I gotta get to the airport.
||Your palace shall sparkle like the stars in heaven upon your save arrival, Sire.
||The uh toilet brush is under the sink.
||I dont really feel that comfortable with a maid, either, because theres that guilt when you have someone cleaning your house. You know, youre sitting there on your sofa, and they go by with the vacuum, Im really sorry about this. I dont know why I left that stuff over there. And thats why I could never be a maid, because Id have an attitude. Id find them, wherever they are in the house, Oh, I suppose you couldnt do this? No, dont get up, let me clean up your filth. No, you couldnt dust. No, this is too tough, isnt it?
||He really did an amazing job. Look! He uncoagulated the top of the dishwashing liquid! (Jerry opens refrigerator.) He cleaned out the bottom of the little egg cups! Come here, look at this. (He gets on his knees and points.) He cleaned the little one-inch area between the refrigerator and the counter. How did he get in there?! He must be like Rubber Man!
||Theres no Rubber Man.
||Why did I think there was a Rubber Man? Theres Elastic Man... Plastic Man...
||Where are you going?
||To Ravas house. Ive gotta pick up her manuscript.
||Oh wait. Ill go with you.
||Elaine, he Windexed the little peep hole!
||(to Rava) So, the meeting with Lippman is all set. Hes the editor-in-chief! I think because of your request-
||They're going to promote me to editor.
||Daantotin. (There is a sound of the front door being unlocked.) Theres Ray... late as usual.
||Well, this is an unexpected surprise and delight! The once and future king of comedy, Jerry the First, gracing our humble abode. Rava, were in the presence of royalty.
||Hey, Ray, listen, you really did a tremendous job cleaning that apartment.
||But I didnt just clean your apartment. It was a ritual, a ceremony, a celebration of life.
||Shouldnt you be out on a ledge somewhere?
||The water is boiling. Are you having tea?
||(from the kitchen) Ray, would you give me a hand?
||Yeah, Im coming!
||I think thats the statue from my house. That looks like the statue from my house!
||I had a statue!
||You have a statue? I never saw a statue.
||My grandfather gave me a statue!
||Whats the difference?! Thats the one! He ripped me off! This guy ripped me off!
||Do you take sugar?
||I cant believe it! This guy ripped me off!
||Do you realize what youre saying?
||Yes! This guy ripped me off! He stole that statue right out of my house!
||Are you sure?
||Pretty sure! Ninety-nine percent sure.
||Ninety-nine percent sure?!
||Ah, sweet elixir. Its fragrant nectar a soothing balm for the soul.
||Ah those are the pastries, Ray take care of that, I'm going to get Elaine the manuscript.
||Ah, the pastries!
||Maybe it just looks the same. Maybe its just a coincidence.
||Coincidence? This guys in my apartment and then, just by coincidence, he has the same exact statue in his apartment?
||I never saw the statue.
||I had a statue! What should I do?
||I dont know.
||Ill call Kramer. He can check my house.
||Oh Jerry, dont blow this for me.
||Dont worry. (whispering into the phone) Kramer! Kramer!... Its Jerry!... Jerry!... From next door!... Never mind where I am!... Yes, Jerry Seinfeld!...
||Ma, I told you, just dip the bread in the batter, and put in right in the pan... Okay, bye. (Jerry hangs up; to Rava) My mother. She forgot how to make French toast. You know how mothers are.
||My mother left us when I was six years old. All seven of us. We never heard from her again. I hope shes rotting in an alley somewhere!
||My moms down in Florida. Shes got uh one of those condos. Hot down there in the summer. You ever been down there?
||I love these pastries. You know, in Scandinavian mythology, the pastries were the food of the gods.
||Listen, uh I just remembered... Im... uh, getting a facial.
||Oh, see you tomorrow morning.
||How about dinner?
||No, I dont eat dinner. Dinners for suckers.
||Uh huh... Yeah... Okay, thanks anyway... Bye.
||Nope, the cop says its my word against his. Theres nothing they can do.
||Lets go get him.
||We cant just let him get away with this.
||Do you realize how crazy he had to be to do something like this? He knew I was gonna know its missing, and he took it! And of all things to take! I left my watch, tape recorder, stereo. Hes crazy.
||You wanna go get him?
||Well, then, if hes crazy you should just forget it.
||Forget it? I already called my parents. I told them to expect the surprise of a lifetime. My mothers making her roasted potatoes!
||George, do you realize that Rava has asked me to edit her book?
||Who is this Rava?
||I say we get him.
||Let me just call him.
||Ill call him. (Jerry picks up the cordless phone. He points to the rotary phone on the coffee table. Kramer, George, and Elaine struggle for it.) Hello, Ray?... Hi, Ray, this is Ravas friend, Elaines friend, Jerry... The King of Comedy, right. Listen, you know that statue on your mantle, the one with the blue lady? (He covers the reciever and yells at Kramer and George.) Would you shut up?! (to the phone) Yeah, you dont want to talk about it over the phone?.. You dont want Rava to hear?... Yeah, I understand... You know that coffee shop near my house, Monks?... All right, tomorrow... One o clock... Great, okay, bye.
||All right, look, look, look. Lets say he stole it.
||Oh, he stole it!
||Cmon, you cant do anything about it. The cops wont do anything. What, are you going to fight him? Why dont you just forget it?
||I thought you said one oclock.
||Relax, hes late. Hes always late. Its part of his M.O.
||Remember, dont take any crap.
||Yeah, yeah. Dont worry about it.
||Ill be right here.
||Thats comforting. Shh. Hes coming. (to Ray) Ray?
||Oh, Jerry. I cant believe you asked me about that statue. Do you know how much trouble you couldve got me into?
||Well, I didnt...
||Rava was standing right next to me. I never told her where I got the statue.
||(muttering to himself) I wonder why.
||Well, just give it back, and I wont say anything.
||Give it back?
||What are you talking about?
||What are you talking about?
||What is he talking about?
||Im talking about the statue.
||Yeah, me too.
||Give it back to whom?
||Im not getting this.
||You already got it.
||Ray, I had a statue in my house. You were in my house and then I saw it in your house.
||What are you saying?
||What am I saying?
||Take a wild guess.
||Are you saying I stole your statue?
||What a mind.
||I cant believe what Im hearing.
||I cant believe what Im hearing.
||I cant believe what Im hearing.
||For your information, I got that statue in a pawn shop.
||A pawn shop?
||Yes. In Chinatown with the money I earned cleaning peoples apartments.
||Cleaning them out.
||Oh, excuse me... Look, Ray, you were the only person in my house.
||Whats behind this? Its Rava, isnt it?
||Again with the Rava.
||You want her.
||No, shes a little too cheery for me.
||Shes from Finland, for crying out loud. Finland! Do you understand?!
||I know Finland. Theyre neutral.
||Is it me? Do I rub you the wrong way?
||No, I actually find you quite charming. A bit verbose at times...
||Oh, I find you so charming. You wuss.
||(to George) Did you call me a wuss?
||What did you say?
||I said luss. Im at a luss.
||I would just love to take you down to the shop where I got it.
||Thats not necessary. (George slams his menu down on the table repeatedly.) You know, maybe its not that bad an idea.
||And I would love to. Nothing would please me more. But, unfortunately, the guy retired and moved to Singapore.
||Singapore?! Do you hear this?
||If you really want, maybe I can contact the guy in Singapore and have him make a photostat of the receipt and send it over.
||Thats it! Thats it! I cant take it. I cant take it anymore! You stole the statue! Youre a theif! Youre a liar!
||Who is this?
||Im the judge and the jury, pal. And the verdict is guilty!
||Whats going on here?
||Your friend is crazy.
||Oh, Im crazy!
||Ive got to get going. I have a class.
||Oh ho! Class, huh? At Columbia? Let me tell you something, pal. I called the registrars office. I checked you out. They have no record of a Ray Thomas at that school! You liar!
||Well, thats because Im registered under my full legal name, Raymond Thomas Wochinski. Ray Thomas is my professional name.
||You mean alias.
||You are starting to make me angry!
||Well, that was bound to happen.
||(to Jerry) I hope you think about what youve done here today. And if you want to call and apologize, you know where to reach me.
||How did you get the goop out of the top of the dishwashing liquid? It was like a brand-new nozzle!
||Why should I be?
||Your notes are very insightful.
||The book is great. Did you go out last night?
||No. We made love on the floor like two animals. Ray is insatiable.
||They all are.
||I cant remember.
||You know, Ray is very upset over these accusations.
||Oh, well, Im staying out of this one. This is between them. I am not getting involved.
||So you think he stole it?!
||Well, you have to admit... the circumstantial evidence...
||I admit nothing!
||Will you put that cigarette out, please?
||Well, I mean, he was in the apartment, and then its gone and its in your apartment.
||Maybe you think were in cahoots.
||No, no. But it is quite a coincidence.
||Yes, thats all a coincidence!
||A big coincidence.
||Not a big coincidence. A coincidence!
||No, thats a big coincidence.
||Thats what a coincidence is! There are no small coincidences and big coincidences!
||No, there are degrees of coincidences.
||No, there are only coincidences! Ask anyone!
||Are there big coincidences and small coincidences, or just coincidences? Well?! Well?!
||Will you put that cigarette out?!
||Maybe I put it out on your face! (To Elaine) Its just like Ray said. You and Jerry are jealous of our love. Youre trying to destroy us.
||Shouldnt you be out on a ledge somewhere?
||Ma, will you stop?... Its just a statue!... How is it my fault?!... It was stolen. I didnt even touch it this time... Okay, fine... I dont see why this should affect to potatoes!... Okay... Goodbye. (George hangs up.) She doesnt react to disappointment very well. Unlike me.
||Im not happy about this.
||Why dont we just throw a Molotov cocktail through their window?
||Theres just no justice. This experience has changed me. Its made me more cynical, more bitter, more jaded.
||(casually) Sure, why not.
||Well, how do you think I feel? Instead of editing the first novel of a major young writing talent, I am proofreading a food allergy cookbook.
||Cant you talk to your boss?
||I did. He loves Rava. Worse, he loves Ray. And he didn't think youre funny at all.
||(talking to himself) Im not happy about this.
||Well, perhaps we can take comfort in the knowledge that in the next world, Ray will be the recipient of a much larger and more harsh brand of justice..
||Yeah, hell have my parents.
||(from the other side of the door) Police! Open up!
||Shut up. Spread em. I said spread em! (looks around) Youre in big trouble son. Burglary, grand larceny, possession of stolen goods... and uh, uh... murder.
||Shut up! Keep em spread! Just make love to that wall, pervert!
||I think you have me confused with somebody else.
||Is your name Ray?
||Yeah, youre the punk Im looking for!
||Hey, hey, are you a cop?
||Yeah, Im a cop. Im a good cop. Im a damn good cop! (On that line, Kramer points to Ray, and Ray turns back to the wall. Kramer heads for the door.) Todays your lucky day, junior, cause Im gonna let you off with a warning. Any more of this criminal activity, and youll be sorry. You got me?
||Got you? I dont even know what the hell youre talking about.
||Good, good. Lets uh keep it that way.
||All right, all right. Whats the big hubbub, bub?
||Kramer, I cant believe it. Oh, youre my hero!
||Kramer, what did you do?
||Well, lets just say I didnt take him to Peoples Court.
||I feel like a huge weights been lifted off my shoulders. I... I... I feel happy! Kramer, I dont know how to thank you!
||Well, Ill think of something.
||People are going to steal from you. You cant stop them. But, everybody has their own little personal security things. Things that they think will foil the crooks, you know? In your own mind, right? You go to the beach, go in the water, put your wallet in the sneaker, whos gonna know? What criminal mind could penetrate this fortress of security? I tied a bow. They cant get through that. I put the wallet down by the toe of the sneaker. They never look there. They check the heel, they move on.