S04E06


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Character (The episode opens with a series of clips from 'The Pitch', 'The Ticket' and 'TheWallet', illustrating the story so far. A rough precis would be JERRY MORTY JERRY HELEN JERRY HELEN JERRY HELEN JERRY HELEN JERRY HELEN JERRY HELEN JERRY HELEN JERRY HELEN JERRY LEO MORTY GEORGE SUSAN GEORGE SUSAN GEORGE SUSAN GEORGE SUSAN GEORGE SUSAN GEORGE SUSAN GEORGE SUSAN GEORGE SUSAN GEORGE SUSAN GEORGE SUSAN SUSAN GEORGE ELAINE KRAMER ELAINE KRAMER ELAINE KRAMER ELAINE KRAMER ELAINE KRAMER ELAINE KRAMER ELAINE KRAMER ELAINE KRAMER ELAINE KRAMER ELAINE KRAMER ELAINE KRAMER KRAMER ELAINE KRAMER KRAMER KRAMER ELAINE KRAMER KRAMER KRAMER KRAMER KRAMER ELAINE KRAMER ELAINE KRAMER ELAINE KRAMER ELAINE NAOMI HELEN NAOMI JERRY NAOMI JERRY HELEN JERRY HELEN JERRY HELEN JERRY HELEN JERRY HELEN LEO JERRY JERRY MORTY HELEN JERRY MORTY JERRY MORTY JERRY MORTY HELEN JERRY MORTY LEO JERRY LEO JERRY LEO JERRY LEO JERRY LEO JERRY DOORMAN GEORGE DOORMAN GEORGE DOORMAN GEORGE DOORMAN GEORGE DOORMAN GEORGE DOORMAN MORTY MAITRE D' MORTY MAITRE D' MORTY MAITRE D' MORTY MAITRE D' MORTY MAITRE D' ELAINE KRAMER ELAINE KRAMER ELAINE KRAMER ELAINE GEORGE RUSSELL RUSSELL GEORGE RUSSELL GEORGE RUSSELL GEORGE RUSSELL GEORGE GEORGE GEORGE RUSSELL GEORGE CYNTHIA GEORGE RUSSELL GEORGE RUSSELL GEORGE RUSSELL GEORGE RUSSELL GEORGE CYNTHIA RUSSELL GEORGE GEORGE JERRY LEO JERRY LEO JERRY LEO JERRY JERRY MORTY KRAMER RESTON KRAMER RESTON KRAMER RESTON KRAMER RESTON KRAMER RESTON KRAMER RESTON KRAMER RESTON KRAMER RESTON KRAMER KRAMER RESTON KRAMER DAVOLA ELAINE/DAVOLA ELAINE DAVOLA ELAINE DAVOLA ELAINE DAVOLA ELAINE DAVOLA ELAINE KRAMER RESTON KRAMER RESTON KRAMER RESTON KRAMER RESTON KRAMER KRAMER KRAMER ELAINE DAVOLA JERRY NAOMI JERRY NAOMI JERRY NAOMI JERRY KRAMER ELAINE KRAMER ELAINE KRAMER ELAINE (O.C.) KRAMER (O.C.) ELAINE (O.C.) DAVOLA (O.C.) RESTON (O.C.) JERRY MORTY JERRY HELEN JERRY HELEN JERRY HELEN JERRY GEORGE (O.S.) JERRY MORTY HELEN JERRY HELEN JERRY HELEN JERRY HELEN MORTY JERRY GEORGE MORTY GEORGE HELEN GEORGE JERRY GEORGE GEORGE MORTY/HELEN/JERRY JERRY MORTY GEORGE MORTY GEORGE JERRY GEORGE JERRY GEORGE JERRY GEORGE JERRY GEORGE HELEN JERRY GEORGE JERRY GEORGE JERRY HELEN JERRY LEO (O.C.) JERRY MORTY JERRY JERRY MORTY MORTY JERRY HELEN MORTY HELEN JERRY MORTY JERRY GEORGE HELEN GEORGE JERRY LEO MORTY JERRY LEO JERRY JERRY LEO JERRY MORTY JERRY HELEN GEORGE MORTY GEORGE JERRY GEORGE JERRY GEORGE JERRY GEORGE MORTY HELEN MORTY HELEN MORTY MORTY JERRY
Dialogue George turns down the offer from NBC for the show, telling Jerry he's negotiating. Susan gives George a box of Cuban cigars from her father, which hepasses to Kramer, who sets fire to his hair while lighting one. Jerry's parents come to town, so's Morty can see a back specialist - he slept on the fold-out. Kramer tells Jerry's parents that Crazy Joe Davola is after Jerry. Jerry throws away a watch his parents gave him, because it doesn't keep time. Uncle Leo fetches it out of the garbage. Jerry tells his parents his watch is at the jeweller for repair. At the doctor's, Morty reveals his hatred of velcro and his wallet disappears. Elaine returns from Europe, eager to rid herself of the 'Svenjolly' Dr Reston. George tells her to inform the doctor she's seeing someone else. Elaine opts to say she's seeing Kramer, and Dr Reston wants to meet him.) It's an entire industry of bad gifts, aren't they? All those executive gifts, any stupid, goofy, brass, wood thing, they put a piece of green felt on the bottom. "It's a golf, desk, tie and stress organiser, dad." But to me, nothing compares with the paperweight as a bad gift. There's no better way than a paperweight, to express to someone that, "I refuse to put any thought into this at all." Where are these people working that the papers are just blowing right off of their desks? What, are their desks screwed to the back of a flat-bed truck going down the highway or something? What, are they typing up in the crow's nest of a clipper ship? What do you need a paperweight for? (to Leo) I don't understand this jeweller, Jimmy Sherman. (indicates Jerry) He brings in a watch, it takes over a week to fix. He fixed yours in one day. Oh, you know these jewellers, they're enigmas. They're mysteries, wrapped in a riddle. (indicating to Jerry) She's very attractive. She's okay. Just okay? She's nice. She's better than nice. She's all right. She's beautiful. She's not beautiful. I think she's beautiful. So you ask her out. I'm not gonna ask her out. Why not? If you don't think she's beautiful, there's something wrong with you. She's pretty. She's not beautiful. I should drop dead if she's not beautiful. I think that's a little extreme. (grudgingly) She's awright. (oblivious to the above) Two exact same watches. He tells you a week, and him a day. How could that be? Something's fishy about this. He said what? "The hell with them." "The hell with them?" Those were his exact words. (worried) Oh boy. He said, "We've got five hundred shows to choose from. Why should we give two guys, who have no idea, and no experience, more money?" (still worried) He was pretty emphatic? Pounded on his desk. Pounded? (tossing her purse on the dash) I told you to take the offer. (getting animated) Look I, I uh, I had nothing to do with this. It wasn't my decision. It was Jerry! Jerry told me no. I'm the creative guy. He handles the business end. You said it was insulting. I was quoting him. Why would I be insulted? I'm never insulted. You could call me baldy, dump soup on my head. Nothing insults me. Well, there's nothing I can do. Well, don't they make a counter offer? How can they just cancel the whole deal like that? What kind of a maniac is this guy? I mean he just, he says no, and that's it? Yeah, that's the way Russell is. He doesn't like to play games. Well, he has to play! He can't just not play. We're playing! Look, I gotta see him, how do I get in touch with him? You'll have to wait til Monday. Mon...? No, no, I can't wait til Monday, that's impossible, I gotta talk to him now. Where does he live? (laugh) I can't give you his address. Give it back! Gimme the purse! Okay, so he just wants to talk to you. I couldn't talk him out of it. So you just tell him that you're my boyfriend and that we're in love, okay. Can you do that? Yeah, yeah, okay. I'm your boyfriend. Okay. Have we been intimate? Yeah. Yeah, we've been intimate. Alright, how often do we do it? Kramer, how is that important? Honestly, do you really think he's gonna ask you that? Elaine, he's a psychiatrist. They're interested in stuff like that. Alright, alright. We do it, uh... (thinks) five times a week, okay? (suggestive) Oooh, baby. (smiles) Oh, man. Alright, listen. Just tell me something, what are you gonna say? I know what I'm gonna say. No, no, but I would like to hear it. No, no. I don't wanna say it out loud. Kills the spontaneity. You know, Gleason, he never rehearsed. (indicates phone) 'Kay, go 'head, do it. (dialling) Alright, okay. You talk to him. (playing with his hair) Talk to him. Hey, how's your hair? Oh, well, yeah, it's good. (handing over the phone) You're not the type that should be playing with matches, seriously Kramer. (listens) Uh, yes. Uh uh, Doctor uh, Reston, is he in? Well, this is Kramer and uh, he's expecting my call. (mouths silently) Okay. (singing) ...Johnny ...was a rebel. He rode through the land... ...Yu uh, yes, yes uh, uh, Doctor Reston. Uhm well, hello there. Ahh yeah, well, I'm a good friend of Elaine's... (animated, but quietly) No, no. Not friends. ...Well, actually uh, we're uh, we're not friends Uh, we're uh, we're much more than friends... ...and uh, I'm afraid we have a bit of a problem. Well, the point is, doctor uh, I'm very much in love with Elaine... ...and uh, she's very much in love with me, and uh, well uh, we would uh, appreciate it if you would cease and desist, and allow us to pursue our courtship unfettered. (mouths silently) That's perfect! If not, I can assure you, doctor, that I can make things very unpleasant for you and your staff. If you have one. Yes. Yeah, but the point that I... (listens) ...Ah, ye... (listens) Well, no... Uh, yeah, that's possible... (listens) ...Well, I suppose I could, (turns away from Elaine) but I'd have to shift a few things around, uhm... Hold on for a second, will you? Uh... ... Uh, go ahead, yeah. (listens and makes a note) Alright uh... Yeah, yeah, okay... I look forward to it too. (listens) Eh, hah, okay. So long. What happened? What'd he say? (indicates pad) What's going on here? Uh, okay now. He uh, you know, he uh, wants to get together. (horrified) Get together!! He wants to talk. Well, why didn't you say no!! (momentary confusion) Wha...? Uh... (thoughtful) That's interesting. (frustration) Ugh! Did you enjoy your poisson? It was... different. (to Jerry) And how was yours? Ah, very good. You should try our mousse. (a little flirtatious) It'll change your life expectancy. No thanks, just the check. What's the matter with you? What? Why didn't you flirt with her? Come on. She was flirting with you. Why didn't you say something? What am I gonna say? You just sat there. Well, you made me uncomfortable. You're a comedian, couldn't you come up with something? (to Morty) Where's the bathroom? In the back, on your right. Dad! Will you stop it Jerry. Let go. Jerry. Will you let me pay just once. You're out of your mind. How you gonna pay? You don't even have a wallet! Don't worry about it. What're you gonna do? What's the difference, we'll figure something out. (to Jerry) You're not paying. Alright, fine. You figure something out. I'd be very curious to know how you pick up a check with no money. 'Cause if this works, the whole monetary system's obsolete, we're back to wampum. (standing) I'm going to the bathroom. How the hell am I gonna pay for this? They give you some portion here, huh? Uh, yeah. (broaching a subject) Hey uncle Leo, I hope I wasn't uh, rude to you that day I bumped into you on the street. Uh, I really did have to get to a meeting. (preening himself in the mirror) Aw, no, no, I understand. I got plenty of friends in showbusiness. I know you're all very busy. So you found that watch in the garbage can, huh? Yeah. In fact it was right after I ran into you. Oh, heh. You know, a friend of mine has a watch just like that. I'd love to replace it for him as a gift. Well, I haven't seen too many like (indicating watch) these. Yeah, I know. Maybe uh, you wanna sell me that one. (sarcastic) Aww, sure. (laughter) (pulling Leo back in) Hang on a second. I got a little proposition for you. (into phone) There's a George Bonanza to see you. Costanza. Costanza. (into phone) George Costanza. The guy who pitched him the show with the stories about nothing. (snaps fingers) Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry Seinfeld's friend. (into phone) Seinfeld friend. (he listens) (to George) He says, call him Monday. (into phone, frantic) Mister Dalrimple! Mister Dalrimple I have to talk to you! Excuse me. It's about the show. It... No, it was... Excuse me. ...It was all a terrible misunderstanding, sir. Just five minutes. Just five minutes of your time. (listens) Thank you! Thank you, Mister Dalrimple. (into phone) Very good, sir. You don't understand. I can't allow my son to pay for me. Look, as soon as I get back to Florida, I promise you I'll mail you a check. Why don't you just let him pay, and then you can pay him back? No, no, he won't let me do that. Why don't you just put the money in his pants pocket, unsuspectingly? He could wash them. Monsieur, we are running a reputable business. Don't tell me about business! I sold raincoats for thirty-five years! Aha, but you did not give them away, did you? You don't understand my... Ah, monsieur, I cannot get involved with you and your family, ah. Now look, don't take too long. (looking around) Look at this building. What is this? I don't know. It's a building. (indicating) The door's on a diagonal. So what? (looking around) It's architecturally incorrect. (frustrated) Just go. (sidling in) Is this a bad time? I hope I'm not disturbing anything. We were about to sit down to dinner. (indicating) This is Cynthia. (entering the apartment more fully) Oh. Oh, hi, hi. Hi. Nice to meet you. (peering at the table) What're you having, veal? No. Looks like veal. It's not veal. Well, it's a good looking piece of meat. (laughs nervously) Wow, this is some place. A duplex, huh? (indicating) Look at this, you got stairs in an apartment. All my life, I dreamed about having steps in an apartment. Even one step. Sunken living room. Although, one step is really not all that sunken. (tries hard to elicit a laugh) Who gave you my address? No, that's a fair question. It is, uhm... (nervous chuckle) Jerry, yeah. (to Cynthia) Jerry's a friend of mine. (to Russell) He uh, he gave it to me. Unbelievable how many addresses of people this guy has. He's got Marlon Brando's. I could go to Marlon Brando's house if I really wanted. Course, I wouldn't, I mean uh, the guy is uh, well obviously (to Cynthia, as she passes) the guy has his problems. So, what's the surprise? You wanna talk about the show? Well, you know, it's really very funny, because you know what we got here, really? We really, really, just have a terrible misunderstanding. You see, when I passed on the deal, I thought that's what Jerry wanted me to say. Y'know, I, I misinterpreted. (bored) Russell, where's the TV Guide. Oh, what time is it? Eight thirty? I'll tell you what's on. You got Major Dad, Blossom, very funny programme... Blossom's on Monday. Are you sure? Oh, look who I'm talking to. The president of NBC. (forced laughter) Look Mister Costanza, it's too late now anyway. I already made a deal with another writing team. (worried) Alright, alright. Look, we're people, you and me, huh? Businessmen. Colleagues, if I may. Let's not quibble. We'll do it for the thirteen thousand. Thirteen thousand, and I never came up here, we never talked, alright. You take good care. (moving past Russell toward the door) It was nice seeing you again, and nice meeting you. (to Cynthia) Cynthia, right? Alright, now look. These deals are already made. Awright, lemme just say this. Ten thousand dollars, alright, and now I'm going below what you wanted to pay. You have your dinner, have your veal, or whatever it is. Enjoy... Mister Costanza. Alright, that's it. Alright, good, eight thousand dollars. (to Cynthia) Cynthia, again, nice meeting you. Have I commented on the shoes? I love suede, it's so thick and rich. Did you ever, you ever rub it against the grain? Alright, anyway... (bored, frustrated) Russell, can we eat? (to George) Alright. Eight thousand. (pleased) You've made Jerry very happy. May I just use your bathroom for a moment? Alright, two hundred, but that's as high as I can go. I really think you're being unreasonable here! Jerry, I'd give you the watch. It's not the money, I happen to like it. Look, I happen to know how much that watch cost. It's a sixty dollar watch, you paid forty to get it fixed. That's a hundred dollars. I'm offering you two hundred! (indicating) I've never seen a band like this. Aww, right. Three hundred, plus fifty for the repair. Three fifty, that's it! You have it on you? Yeah, I think I do. (under his breath) This is unbelievable. What the hell is going on here? Well, it uh, (offering his hand) it's a pleasure to meet you. (shaking hands) Thank you for coming in. Thank you. Please, sit down. (quiet) Okay. Could I offer you something to drink. Uhm, coffee? Anything? Okay uh, yeah. I'll have a uh, you have a decaf cappuccino? I don't think we have that. Well, that's a little strange. Uh, why does that surprise you? Well, it's uh, it's a very popular drink This is an office. That's true. But, you know, I can't help but think that uh... (interrupting) So tell me Mister Kramer... ...Okay, yes, shoot. Tell me all about uh, you and Elaine. Oh, alrighty uh... Well, what we have here, doctor, is uhm, an extraordinary situation. Is it? Oh, you better believe it. (singing) '...Travelling along...' '...singing a song, side by side...' Wow. You really have a terrible voice. Do I know you? Uhh, I don't think so. 'Cos you really look familiar. Oh, well maybe you've seen me. My face is on uhm, Mount Oh yes, of course, that's it. I guess I'm just used to seeing it on a much larger scale. Oh yeah, right. I replaced uh, Teddy Roosevelt. Oh really. Umm. Trustbuster. Bust this. You know, I never thought of it like that before, doctor. (points) You, are absolutely right. I'm glad we agree. (reaching in pocket) Hey, would you like a cigar? Y'know, they're Cubans. I'd love one. Yeah. You know, I think Elaine is a wonderful woman. You two are gonna make a wonderful couple. If you ever feel, a need to talk to someone... (lighting Dr Reston's cigar) Uh huh. ...About anything. You have my number. (lighting his own cigar) Well, that's very kind of you. Mmm, these are good, huh? (quiet) Oh. I cannot believe I'm doing this. I never meet people like this. You're not a nut, are you? No, I don't think so. I can't believe I'm doing this. I never do stuff like this. (joking) Really? I give out my number to just about every customer who comes in here. Oh. (chuckles) Really? You don't seem that desperate. (playing it straight) Oh yeah. Actually, I'm a little disappointed. I kind of had my eye on uncle Leo. Uh huh. Well uh, I'll give you a call, and thanks for the fish. By the way, you know why fish are so thin? Why? They eat fish. Hey. What happened? What took you so long? Hey, he's a terrific guy. Wha...? What are you talking about? What'd he say? Well, we talked about a lot of things. You talked about a lot of things? Well... Yeah. Did you talk about us? I'm in love. I just met her outside in the street. Her Did you say Elaine? How come the psychiatrist, every, the hour is only fifty minutes? Wha, what do they do with that ten minutes that they have left? Do they just sit there going, "Boy, that guy was crazy. I couldn't believe the things he was saying. What a nut! Who's coming in next? Oh, no, another headcase!" You shoulda told me it didn't work. I know, I know. You didn't have to throw it out. I was always late. It was frustrating me. I'm sorry, I really am. Oh, that must be Leo. I woulda taken you to the airport. He has nothing to do. Neither do I. (to intercom) Yeah? It's George. Come on up. (to parents) It's George. Oh, it's George. What ever happened with NBC and the deal? Ah, George turned it down. He turned it down? Yeah. Why did he do that? Because of Ted Danson. What does Ted Danson have to do with it? Maybe he doesn't like Ted Danson. (fetching a drink from the fridge) Hey, who knows, maybe we'll wind up getting more money. (to Jerry) Hey. Hey, Georgie-boy, how are ya? Hey, Mr Seinfeld. (shakes Morty's hand) Hey, Mrs Seinfeld. How are you? What's the matter with you? What'd I do? What about NBC? Did you hear anything? Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did. We got a deal. (simultaneous) Hey!/That's wonderful!/We got a deal! Heyy! Terrific. You see, he had the right idea. Hold out. That's how you get the big money, huh George? (slaps George on the shoulder) Uh, please, Morty. No, no, no. He knows how to talk to these people. No-one's gonna take advantage of Georgie. (slaps George's shoulder again) I'm just happy to be working with your talented son... Aww... ...Who's not doing this for the money. ...C'mon. You have no idea how refreshing that is. So what'd we get? (big smile) Eight thousand dollars. Beautiful! (quietly) That's uh, for the two of us. Four thousand apiece? Lemme see if I understand this. In other words, you held out I was wrong, you were right. You know, the basic idea of negotiation, as I understand it, is to get your price to go... up. You're smart, I'm dumb. You know, this is how they negotiate in the bizarro world. That's gotta be Leo. (to intercom) Yeah? Leo. Alright, we're coming down. Alright, let's get going. Dad, before we go, I got a little something for you. A present. A present? Hey! Look at this, a wallet. Exactly what I needed, y'see. C'mon, you lost your wallet, I figured I'd get you another one. I hope you didn't spend too much on that. I wanna tell you. This is one of the most thoughtful gifts anyone's ever given me. He's something, you son, isn't he? Ah hah, alright, let's go. You're a terrific kid. Okay. Yeah, he's something, isn't he? How could anybody not like you? (to Jerry) You're very special. (pointedly) Yeah, I'm good for about four thousand dollars. Hey, let's go! It's twelve (checks watch) uh, twelve twenty-two. Alright, Leo. Hey, uncle Leo. Hi, hi... How you doing? This is some beautiful parking spot you got here. Yeah, I hate to give it up. Yeah. Hey, dad, you sure you don't need any more money? Jerry! Alright, I'm just joking. Listen, have a nice trip. (hugging Jerry) Bye bye, Jerry. Bye Mrs Seinfeld, take care. Bye bye. (hugging Jerry) Thanks again for the wallet. (shaking hands with Morty) Morty, always a pleasure. Take care now. So long. Yeah, like he was really gonna take your money. Oh, he took it. I put four hundred dollars in the new wallet. You're kidding. He lost all that cash. It was the only way I could give it back to him, otherwise he wouldn't accept it. Man, would I like to see the look on his face. You believe this? What? (indicates the new wallet) It's velcro. You're kidding. Who needs this? Leo, let's go. ...main difference between the women's wallet and the man's wallet, is the photo section. True? Women carry with them a photograph of every person they've ever met, every day in their whole lives, since the beginning of time. And every picture is out of date. You know what I mean? It's, "Here's my cousin, three years old. She's in the marines now." "This is my dog. He died during the Johnson administration." You know. You get stopped by a cop, no licence, no registration, (waves imaginary wallet) "Here's fifty-six people that know me." Cop goes. "Alright, ma'am, just wanted to make sure you had some friends, move it along. Routine pal check."
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Comments

yprice on 2018-03-25:

Open banking is the concept that your banking information such as balances and spending habits is wooden ashtray just the banks data, but is also yours, so you should get to use it how you see fit. So with open banking you can share your data and access to 3rd parties. Who in turn will help you. Such as going online, looking to makes a purchase, at the checkout it will display your remaining balance before paying so you don’t go overdrawn. Or you could get an app that transfers the pennies after each purchase into a saving account.