||So, what's her name?
||Is she nice?
||So you like her?
||I think so.
||You don't know?
||I can't tell anymore.
||Well do you feel anything?
||Feel? What's that?
||All right, let me ask you this when she comes over, you're cleaning up a lot?
||You're just straightening up or you're cleaning?
||You do the tub?
||On your knees, Ajax, hands scrubbin', the whole deal?
||Okay, I think you're in love!
||Tub is love?
||Tub is love.
||So there you are. You've got a nice girl and a clean apartment.
||Yep. There's one liiiittle problem.
||Yeeeaaah. (Jerry and George lean in to make their conversation a little more private) Well..... I've never really felt confident in uh..... one particular aspect.
||Below the equator?
||Nobody does. You know, nobody knows what to do. You just close your eyes and you hope for the best. I really think they're happy if you just make an effort.
||I-I don't know. Last time I got the tap.
||You got the tap?
||You know, you're going along, you think everything's all right and all of a sudden you get that tap. (George taps his own shoulder). You know it's like pfffff (whistling sound), all right that's enough, you're through.
||The tap is tough.
||It's like the manager coming out and asking you for the ball.
||Well maybe she just wanted to move on to other business.
||No, no, this wasn't moving on. I got the hook. I wish I could get a lesson in that.
||It's a very complicated area.
||You can go crazy trying to figure that place out.
||It's a haaazy mystery.
||Anyway, I think everything else is okay. Unless of course she's faking.
||She's not faking!
||How do you know?
||I know. I can tell. It's one of my powers. Why, did you ever fake?
||And the guy never knows?
||How can he not know that?
||Because I was gooood.
||I guess after that many beers he's probably a little groggy anyway.
||You didn't know.
||You didn't know.
||Are you saying...
||I think I'll have a piece of cake.
||You faked with me?
||You faked with me?
||You faked it?
||I faked it.
||That whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act?
||Not bad huh?
||What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming?
||(points in the air as is to point out each things Jerry asked) Fake, fake, fake, fake.
||I'm stunned, I'm shocked! How many times did you do this?
||Uuuhm, all the time.
||All the time?!
||We got a chocolate malt in here!
||But I'm so good.
||I'm sure you are.
||Jerry, listen, it wasn't you. I just didn't have 'em back then.
||Maybe they've all been faking.
||I'm sure they're not.
||Maybe Karen is faking.
||She was probably joking.
||No no, it was no joke.
||She didn't have any?
||(raising hand) She faked 'em all.
||(raising hand) Faked 'em all.
||Well so she faked 'em, so what?
||The woman had an orgasm under false pretences. That's sexual perjury.
||You know I heard her screaming from my apartment? She woke me up a few times.
||How did she do it? She's like Meryl Streep this woman. And I had to work the equipment. I'm not unskilled, I'm in the union. If she'd at least told me, maybe I could have done something about it.
||Yeah I could have helped you out.
||What could you have done?
||I could have given you some pointers. I know how to press those buttons buddy.
||I'm feeling very inadequate about the whole thing.
||Don't aaaaah! I'm supposed to do something with her later? I don't even think I wanna see her.
||Hello... Oh hello Elaine.
||So we're having dinner tonight?
||I don't know, I'm not really in the mood.
||Why? What's wrong? You're not still thinking about this afternoon are you?
||What, the grilled cheese? Naaah, they always burn the toast.
||Nooo, the other thing.
||Oooh that. Well...
||Oh come on, Jerry. Making to much of a big deal about it.
||Yeah I guess. So you wanna meet at that place at seven thirty?
||All right, see you later.
||Rene, can you come here a second? Let me ask you something Ummm, have you ever... you know... faked it?
||Really, like when?
||Like if we went to a Broadway show, if we had really good seats. (Elaine is sitting there, jaw opened shaking her head yes) Well you know, if it's enough all ready and I just wanna get some sleep.
||I really don't feel like seeing her.
||You know, I faked it.
||You faked it? Why would you do that?
||Well you know, if it's enough already and I just wanna get some sleep.
||Yeah, but why would you... (Kramer is eating a peach then disgusted he spits it out) Bad peach?
||Did you get that at Joe's?
||Yeah, of course I got it at Joe's.
||That's surprising, his fruit is usually the best.
||You know what I'm gonna do? (heading for the door) I'm gonna return this.
||You're returning used fruit?
||Jerry this peach is sub par.
||So what do you want me to do?
||I want restitution.
||Restitution? You want restitution? Why should I give you restitution?
||Because it's no good.
||When you put that fruit out, that's where it ends for me.
||It's still your fruit, you gotta stand behind your fruit.
||I stand behind my fruit.
||Hey, you got a bad peach? That's an act of God. He makes the peaches. I don't make the peaches, I sell the peaches. You have a problem? You talk to him.
||You know this whole place is going vrrrrrrrrrrrrt, downhill. I could have come in here last week with a bad plum but I let it go.
||Well let me put a solution for ya do your business elsewhere, I don't want your business.
||Oh now you don't want my business.
||No, I don't want your business and from this moment you're banned from the store, you're banned!
||But what am I gonna do for fruit?
||(moaning) Mmmmm, Mmmm, Hmmhmmhmmm (lights a cigarette) Mmmm (takes a puff) Woo
||(thinking of the moans) Heh. (Karen takes another puff of her cigarette) You seem like you really enjoyed your Risotto. (chuckles) You have a very contented air over there. (chuckles again) You look very contented, very satisfied. (pauses) Are you satisfied?
||I'm very satisfied.
||I-I'm sure if you weren't satisfied you would probably say something wouldn't you?
||I probably would. But then again I'm an enigma.
||Hey listen... umm, instead of the movie... uh, maybe we'll go back and uh you know...(nudges her head with his head)
||So... uh you feel okay about that whole thing... what we do in there... you're generally okay with everything in there?
||Do you uh feel the way you feel after the Risotto?
||Well no, I feel full after the Risotto.
||Yeah...(scratching his head) full.
||Oh god, Mmmm, Mmm, Mmm, Mmmmm, Mmm, Ah, Woo
||Mmm, hey, you know what? You wanna go see that new Meryl Streep movie?
||You don't like her?
||Ah, she's okay.
||I love her Jerry, she's so authentic. I really believe everything is actually happening to her. There's no acting there.
||Yeah. You don't want coffee or anything do you?
||I really admire actors, you know. It's just such an incredible skill.
||Yeah, yeah, can we get off of this?
||What's the matter?
||You're not still thinking about that are you?
||Give me another shot!
||Another shot, I want another shot.
||Oooh no, I don't think so.
||Come on! One shot, I can do it, I know I can do it!
||Jerry, we're friends! We can't do that, it would ruin our friendship.
||Oh friendship... friendship, shmanship .
||Jerry no, that's important to me.
||We won't ruin the friendship.
||Ya, Yes we will!
||No Jerry, it is out of the question. You know what sex does to a friendship, it kills it.
||A half hour, give me a half our.
||Okay, fifteen minutes. I guarantee you fifteen minutes, I can make it happen!
||You're worried I'll be able to do it aren't you?
||What, no, it doesn't matter. Jerry, I don't care.
||That's it, that's it. You like having this over me, you don't want me to do it.
||That is so ridiculous.
||Come on, Elaine!
||It's Jerry's fault.
||Jerry and Elaine. They made me nuts.
||Oh I don't care, George, really it's all right.
||So you feel okay?
||Well, it's not like after the Risotto.
||Well good night.
||I still don't understand why we had to walk out on that movie.
||Oh that Meryl Streep, she's such a phony baloney.
||Goodnight. Thanks for a really fabulous evening (sarcastic).
||Oh what, you're upset?
||Yes I'm upset, can't you tell?
||No I can't, maybe you're faking.
||I'm really, really sorry I told you that.
||I'm sorry too.
||Well stop being such a baby.
||You're a baby!
||You're a baby!
||It's all your fault! You and Elaine! All that orgasm talk. She did have an orgasm, she didn't have an orgasm. Orgasm this, orgasm that. I got so focused on it. I started to panic and boom, I lost it. I tried everything, I was talking to him 'Please wake up, do something.'
||They're mysterious little fellows aren't they?
||I hate him!
||You know it happens to everybody. It happened to Houdini. And he could get out of a trunk under water with his hands in chains! But he had a problem with that. The miracle is that it ever happens.
||It's like a magic trick. Sometimes I think it would be easier to bend a spoon mentally than to make that transformation.
||Hey listen, if I give you money would you go out and get me some fruit?
||Why can't you get it?
||Well I got banned from the store I can't go back in there now.
||Well you know, we had a fight over the peach and uh well Joe doesn't want my business.
||Hey, was that a joke about Houdini?
||(to George) No. (to Kramer) I told you not to say anything.
||Jerry, what am I gonna do for fruit?
||Well you'll have to go to the supermarket.
||The supermarket? That's impossible! They don't have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket. The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry. I don't know what's going on with the Papayas! Jerry you gotta go to Joe's, you gotta get me some fruit!
||Oh so what I'm going to buy all your fruit now?
||Well if Houdini couldn't do it, what chance do I have?
||Hello... Oh hi Patty, thanks for calling me back. I-I just wanted to ask you a question when we we're going out did you have orgasms?... Okay, thanks... No that's it... Ya, Okay, bye.
||Patty Lawrence had 'em!
||Alright look I'm gonna make you a fruit list, all right?
||Hello Elaine? Patty Lawrence had orgasms what do you think about that? And I got calls in to six other women and I bet you they confirm an orgasm too. So what do you have to say now Elaine?... Hello?
||Why do I feel like I'm doing something wrong?
||All right now here's the list. (hands Jerry the list)
||All this? It's too much. What do you need five mangos for?
||I like mangos.
||Avocado? I don't know how to pick out an avocado.
||Well they gotta be soft.
||Not too soft. Better too hard than too soft.
||(looking over the list) Hmm ah. I'm not going through this every week, I tell you that right now. And what are these? Plums? What is that?
||Yeah now get the ones that are red on the inside.
||Uh huh. Well how do I know what they look like on the inside? What do they look like on the outside?
||Oh! And get some plantains. (grabs the list to write them down)
||What the hell is a plantain.
||It's part of the banana family. It's a delicacy.
||(grabbing the list from Kramer) You're not getting any plantains.
||How's it going?
||Good, just getting some fruit for myself. Uh, gotta have fruit in the house. I like it as a snack. Wholesome, natural, chock-full of vitamins. Alright let's see... mangos... four plums with red on the inside... avocado... (looks at Joe; Joe gives him a weird look)ooo, just right... and three plantains uh ought to do it.
||All right, all right, just hold it right there.
||This fruit isn't for you.
||(shocked) Wha, what are you talking about?
||You think I don't know huh? Mangos, plantains, plums with the red on the inside, that's Kramer!
||I can't buy mangos and plantains?
||All right, get out!
||You're making a big mistake, Joe!
||I'll tell you something else I don't what your business anymore either.
||Are saying you're banning me from the store?
||That's exactly what I'm saying.
||All right, where do you want it?
||Put it over there.
||Yes! Oh look at this, these mangos are beautiful! Oh these are beautiful, (smells them) you did good George.
||All right I gotta get going.
||What are you doing?
||I got a date with Karen. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Nothing happening down there.
||You're thinking about it too much. You're putting too much emphasis on it.
||I knew this was gonna happen some day. It was inevitable. I've known it ever since I was a little kid. I've been waiting for it.
||This mango is delicious!
||That reminds me, I'm not getting you guys any more fruit. That guy was eyeballing me the whole time. He gave me the creeps. All right, you owe me twenty-eight sixty.
||Sorry, I don't have any cash.
||I only got hundreds.
||You see... All right I knew it.
||Come on, come on, we're gonna pay you! Here have some mango.
||I don't want any mango.
||Come on, take some. It's good.
||Very good. Juicy.
||Ripe. Boy, this Joe's got some terrific fruit.
||I feel like I got a B12 shot. This is like a taste explosion!
||Ya I told you.
||What is it?
||I think it moved. Oh my god, I think it moved. Yeah, give me the big piece. I'll see you later.
||I'm back, baby, I'm back!
||Want some mango?
||Well well, if it isn't the first lady of the American Theatre. (Elaine smiles and rolls her eyes at him) What brings you here?
||Just gonna return some of your things that were in my house.
||Oh and I've got some things of yours here.
||Well I'll get them.
||All right. (goes into his hallway and comes back) You got my fins?
||Yeah I got your fins. You got my poker chips?
||I got your poker chips. You got my goggles?
||They're next to the fins. You got my cards?
||They're next to the poker chips.
||All right and that just about... does it.
||Okay, welp... see you around.
||Yeah, see you.
||All right, let's go, I give you half an hour.
||Are you serious?
||Look, Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.
||Sex... to save the friendship. (Elaine drops her bag, takes off her jacket and walks into Jerry's bedroom) Well, if we have to (un-tucks his shirt) we have to.
||Mmmm, Oh George, oooh.
||Please, it's not necessary.
||Mmm What's not necessary?
||The little extra moan you threw in there. Laying it on a bit thick, don't you think?
||What are you talking about?
||What am I talking about? Come on. (laughing) You don't think I bought all that? (does a little move)
||You're very good. Very good with the moanings and the gyrations. Y-You really had me going there for a minute.
||You think I was faking?
||Come on 'Oh George, oh Geeeooorge!' Come on! Not that I don't appreciate the effort that was put into it.
||I'd like you to leave.
||I said, I would like you to leave. Come on, just get your clothes on and get out.
||Because I said so. (pushes George off the bed)
||I-I-I can't find my glasses.
||Well hurry up.
||I need to look for my glasses.
||(seen through George eyes all blurry) Get out! Get out!! Get out!!!
||It's all George's fault. All that talk about impotence. It got to me. And that orgasm stuff orgasm this and orgasm that. It's a lot of pressure!
||You know I'm a little hungry. You wouldn't happen to have any of that mango left?
||the real and the fake. And uh I'll tell you right now, as a man, we don't know. We do not know, because to a man sex is like a car accident and determining the female orgasm is like being asked 'What did you see after the car went out of control?'. 'Uh I heard a lot of screeching sounds, uh I remember I was facing the wrong way at one point. And in the end my body was thrown clear.