S05E03


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Character ELAINE JERRY ELAINE JERRY ELAINE KRAMER JERRY KRAMER JERRY KRAMER JERRY ELAINE KRAMER JERRY KRAMER JERRY KRAMER ELAINE KRAMER ELAINE JERRY KRAMER JERRY KRAMER GEORGE JERRY GEORGE ELAINE GEORGE JERRY GEORGE ELAINE JERRY GEORGE JERRY GEORGE ELAINE KRAMER GEORGE JERRY GEORGE KRAMER GEORGE KRAMER GEORGE KRAMER GEORGE ELAINE GEORGE JERRY ELAINE GEORGE JERRY ELAINE DOG OWNER ELAINE DWAYNE JERRY GEORGE ELAINE GEORGE ELAINE JERRY ELAINE JERRY GEORGE JERRY GEORGE JERRY GEORGE JERRY GEORGE ELAINE JERRY GEORGE JERRY ELAINE JERRY GEORGE JERRY GEORGE JERRY GEORGE JERRY GEORGE JERRY GEORGE ELAINE JERRY GEORGE DWAYNE GEORGE DWAYNE GEORGE DWAYNE GEORGE DWAYNE GEORGE DWAYNE GEORGE DWAYNE GEORGE DWAYNE ELAINE JERRY ELAINE JERRY ELAINE JERRY DOCTER ELAINE DOCTER ELAINE DOCTER JERRY AMY JERRY AMY JERRY AMY JERRY AMY JERRY AMY JERRY AMY JERRY AMY JERRY AMY JERRY AMY JERRY AMY JERRY AMY JERRY AMY JERRY AMY JERRY AMY JERRY AMY JERRY AMY JERRY JERRY GEORGE JERRY GEORGE JERRY GEORGE JERRY GEORGE JERRY GEORGE JERRY GEORGE JERRY GEORGE JERRY GEORGE GEORGE JERRY ELAINE JERRY ELAINE JERRY ELAINE JERRY ELAINE GEORGE ELAINE GEORGE ELAINE JERRY ELAINE KRAMER GEORGE KRAMER GEORGE KRAMER GEORGE KRAMER GEORGE KRAMER GEORGE JERRY KRAMER ELAINE GEORGE ELAINE GEORGE JERRY KRAMER JERRY KRAMER GEORGE KRAMER DWAYNE KRAMER DWAYNE KRAMER ELAINE GEORGE DWAYNE KRAMER DWAYNE KRAMER DWAYNE KRAMER DWAYNE KRAMER DWAYNE ELAINE DWAYNE KRAMER JERRY ELAINE JERRY GEORGE JERRY GEORGE ELAINE JERRY ELAINE KRAMER JERRY KRAMER GEORGE KRAMER JERRY GEORGE ELAINE KRAMER JERRY KRAMER ELAINE JERRY ELAINE KRAMER GEORGE KRAMER KRAMER GEORGE ELAINE KRAMER ELAINE DOCTER ELAINE JERRY ELAINE JERRY ELAINE DOG OWNER JERRY ELAINE KRAMER GEORGE BLIND MAN GEORGE BLIND MAN GEORGE BLIND MAN GEORGE BLIND MAN GEORGE GEORGE DWAYNE GEORGE DWAYNE GEORGE BLIND MAN DOG OWNER GEORGE DOG OWNER GEORGE DOG OWNER GEORGE DOG OWNER AMY JERRY AMY JERRY AMY JERRY UNCLE LEO JERRY UNCLE LEO JERRY UNCLE LEO JERRY UNCLE LEO JERRY UNCLE LEO JERRY UNCLE LEO JERRY UNCLE LEO JERRY AMY JERRY AMY JERRY AMY JERRY AMY JERRY UNCLE LEO AMY UNCLE LEO JERRY UNCLE LEO JERRY AMY JERRY UNCLE LEO JERRY GEORGE BLIND MAN GEORGE JERRY GEORGE
Dialogue Do you ever spit on anybody from here? No. You? No. Do you ever think about it? Yeah. Me too. Hey. Hey. Well I got it! You got me the air conditioner? What do you think? Beautiful! What air conditioner? Well my buddy works in an appliance store and he got us thirty percent off. Is it a good one? Good one? It's the Commando 8. Commando 8? 12,000 BTU's. I thought you hated air conditioning. You've never had an air conditioner. Yeah, but Amy likes air conditioning. Oooh, you're getting an air conditioner for Amy. (In a wining voice) Amy doesn't like the temperature up here. She's a little hoooot. All right. Okay, so, I'm gonna measure the window up, okay buddy? Yeah. Yeah. (George enters the apartment wearing goggles) Yeah, rock on! I gotta get out of this city. So you're tunneling to the center of the Earth? (Elaine laughs silently) I'm at the health club and while I'm in the pool, some guy walks off with my glasses. Who steals prescription glasses? You don't have an old pair? I broke 'em playing basketball. He was running from a bee. (Elaine laughs) Now if I wanna see anything I gotta wear these. George, those are prescription goggles? What is there to see in a health club pool? There's a lot of change down there. When I find that guy, this much I vow those glasses will be returned to their rightful owner. We're behind you, Aquaboy. Godspeed! What kind of a sick, demented person wants another person's glasses? Yeah, especially those frames. You know what you ought to do? Go see my friend Dwayne at J & T Optical on Columbus Avenue. He'll give you thirty percent off. Yeah, come on. Hey, he just got me thirty percent off on an air conditioner. Really? Retail is for suckers. Wow. Uh, what do I have to do? You just gotta mention my name. That's it? That's it. (smacks George on the forehead with a ruler) What about these? They look good. I liked the other one too. I've liked about five of them. Well, it's a tough decision. I have to wear these every day. I'm deciding on a new face. (bored) Come on, George. Pick a face and go with it. Now those look good, they're very bold. Yes, they are bold. Jerry, what do you think? (While looking at posters of women wearing glasses) I think these women would be pretty good looking if they weren't wearing glasses. Hi there, little doggy. (to owner) Do you mind if I pet your dog? It's okay with me. Hey little doggy. (Elaine pets the dog and he bites her) Aaah! Hey, you can't have that dog in here. Are you okay? Did he bite ya? Can you believe that guy? I'm okay, it's just a nip. He just walked away! And once again I'm standing here like a little man. Well not this time! (George leaves the store and follows the dog owner) You! Dog man! My leg looks pretty bad. Oh I'm gonna take you over to the emergency room. Okay. (To George) Hey, any luck? Did you catch 'em? Uuh, no, no. All right, I'm gonna take Elaine over to the hospital. (In a really strange way) Good, good, do that. What's the matter? Oh, no, nothing. What is it? I can't tell you. (pulling on Jerry's pants from the ground) Jerry, can we go? Yeah, yeah, in a second, in a second. (And to George) What do you mean you can't tell me? I can't tell you, don't ask. I'm asking! Jerry, my leg. Yeah, yeah, take care of it. (Jerry throws her some toilet paper) Come on, George, what is it? I saw Amy making out with your cousin Jeffrey. What? They were right outside! Amy and Jeffrey? Yes! Are you sure? Yes, positive. But you can't see, there's no lenses in those frames. I know! I was squinting. Okay, listen, Jerry, you just catch up with me okay? You can just follow the trail of blood. We're gonna have to talk about this later. (Elaine holds the door open for Jerry while holding her leg) Thank you. Taxi! (To the store owner) Excuse me, what do you think of these? Oh, we just got those in. It's a very exciting new frame. Yes, it is exciting! All right, this is gonna be my new face. All right, do you have a prescription? Yeah. (George hands over the prescription) Kramer... What? Kramer... What about him? You do know Kramer? Yes... Well, I'm mentioning his name. Why? Because... you know... No, I don't know. Look, I'm gonna need a deposit on these. Oh, come on. Cousin Jeffrey? It's not possible! Why not? They could have met. She loves the park, he works for the Parks Department. Jerry, that is so ridiculous. But, George didn't even have his glasses on! But he was squinting. So what? Squinting doesn't make that much of a difference. Are you kidding? I've seen 'em squint. He can squint his way down to like twenty, thirty vision. Once we were driving down from the Catskills and he lost his glasses. He squinted his way from Wortsborough down to the Tappan Zee Bridge! He was spotting raccoons, on the road! Okay. Okay? That's it? I don't need a shot? Not shot, dog bite. No, no, no. I know I wasn't shot. Do I need a shot? Not shot, dog bite. Woof woof, not bang bang. Nah, look at this. Cable's out. Oh that's okay, we don't have to watch tv. No, no, no. No trouble at all, it's a principal the thing. (Jerry picks up the phone and dials the number) I like them to know that I know what's going on. That they're not... getting away with anything. Oh, I'm on hold. So, what did you do yesterday? Yesterday? Yeah, you remember yesterday? Beautiful day... good day to be... out. I didn't do anything. (laughing) Oh you must have done something. No, nothing really. Didn't go out of the house? Didn't take a walk... on Columbus Avenue? Well, I did go out for a little while. Well, your day's getting more interesting already. (Jerry shows the phone) Ah, see, told me they'd be back in a minute and THEY lied. You can't thrust anyone. No you can't. (hangs up the phone) Now let's cut the ball, sister! You think I don't know about you swapping spit with somebody yesterday on Columbus Avenue? What are you talking about? Look, my friend saw you. Saw me? With who? You tell me. There's nothing to tell. There isn't? No. Oh... all right... wanna get some pizza? I had a feeling this was to good to be true. Why? I knew there had to be another side to you. No, no, there's no side! There is a side, an ugly side. No, no, no ugly side. Look, I think I'm gonna go. Why? It's really hot in here. Uuh, so we can still go out on Friday though? Yeah. When you getting an air conditioner? It's coming! It's a Commando 8! 12.000 BTU's! It's gonna be like a meat locker in here. I was an idiot for listening to you! Hey, I saw what I saw. Ooh, everything was going so well. She hadn't seen any flaws in me. Now she sees a side. What side? A bad side, an ugly side. Ooh, so what? So what? I wasn't planning on showing that side for another six months. Now you make me throw off the whole learning curve. Why don't you just ask Jeffrey? Ah, he'd just deny it. There must be some way to find out. Amy said nothing happened. What, you're gonna take her word over mine? I'm your best friend! Yeah, but you're blind as a bat! I was squinting! Remember that drive from Wortsborough? (snapping his fingers) I was spotting those raccoons. They were mailboxes, you idiot. I didn't have the heart to tell you. (noticing something) Hey look, a dime. Heh, Mercury head. You mind? (Stunned) No, keep it. (Elaine enters the apartment) Hey what happened to you? You buzzed five minutes ago. There was a dog in front of the building and it spooked me. I couldn't come in until he left. A little white dog? Yeah. Snowball? You were afraid of Snowball? I'm afraid of dogs now. He's like a squirrel. Well he frightened me. Did you get the shot? No. He said I didn't need a shot. You got bit by a strange dog and you didn't get a rabies shot? What, you think I should have? You know, you should just go back to the optical store and ask Dwayne if he knows the name of the owner of the dog. All right, that's a good idea. I'm gonna do that. The AC is on it's way. Pardon me, I went to see your friend Dwayne... there was no discount. What? That's right, no discount! Well did you mention my name? Yes, I mentioned your name. And? Pbbbs, Bubkis! Now I don't believe this. That guy owes me big time. I got him off sugar! Look, I'm gonna go down there with you right now. All right, let me just... I'm gonna grap an apple. Hey, Kramer, Elaine's afraid of Snowball! Little Snowball? He runs on batteries! You know, George, that's an onion. Yes it is. He couldn't tell an apple from an union and he's your eye witness? I saw them making out, you can believe it. I don't know what to believe! You're eating unions, you're spotting dimes, I don't know what the hell is going on. Look, all you gotta to do, is get Amy and Jeffrey together somewhere, that's it. Hey wait a second, wait a second. I'm going over to Jeffrey's apartment tomorrow night to pick up these Paul Simon tickets. I'm gonna surprise Amy. All I gotta do is bring her with me. And then when Jeffrey opens the door, it's Howdy Doody time. Right this way, mister Doody! (crying from the onion) You'll see I'm right. Hey, Dwayny. Oh hello Kramer. What is going on here? What are you talking about? I'm talking about the thirty percent discount. Uhm excuse me... uh... a man came in here... Elaine, don't interrupt, they're discounting something. Who said anything about a discount. Ooh, how quickly we forget. You owe me buddy. For what? Remember this? What are you doing? Six months ago you were eating four of those for breakfast and chasing it with a ring ding. And two butter fingers on the train. Sounds familiar? Put that away! Remember that night I found you at Dinky Donuts? You were all *hopped* up on cinnamon swirls! They wouldn't serve you anymore! You wouldn't even have any teeth if it wasn't for me taking you over to Joe's fruit stand and stuffin' cantaloupe down your throat! So much for gratitude... yeah, yeah, yeah! All right, all right, all right! I'll give him the discount, just put that thing away! This squares us. Can I just have the name... Out! We'll see you Dwayne. I don't know what to tell you, Elton. (While reading a book) Oh oh, listen to this, this is not good, listen to these symptoms for rabies anxiety, irritability. I got those, I'm irritable! (To George) Who picked these out? I did! They're ladies' glasses! You know all you need is that little chain around your neck so you can wear 'em while you're playing Canasta. Well Elaine was supposed to help me. Hey! I got bit by a dog! I had to go to the hospital! I was bleeding to death! I can't solve every little problem you have! Hey, hey. I'm sorry... sorry. Commando 8 has arrived! Take it to the window. 12.000 BTU's of raw cooling power. (Kramer places the air conditioner in the window) Installed! That's it? You don't have to screw it in or anything? No, just plug it in and the Commando 8 does the rest. (And to Jerry) I'll seal that up later, right? Just in time for Amy. Oh yeah, when are you gonna execute that plan? I've got such a headache. Oh, that's another symptom! Of what? Rabies. Oh that's fatal, you don't want that! I know I don't want it! I don't need you to tell me what I don't want, you stupid hipster dufus! Hey, hey, what is this? What's going on here? I'm sorry, Kramer, I'm sorry. No, no, it's all right. I had a friend who had rabies once. (George's eating chips) May I have one of those, madam? Madam? What are you calling me madam for? They're ladies' glasses. Now look here, see it's right here Gloria Vanderbilt Collection. He sold me ladies' glasses! I... I think I'm... I'm having trouble swallowing. I can't... I can't swallow. She's got rabies, just like my friend Bob Sacamano. She's delirious. (Elaine drinks some water and drools) She's foaming at the mouth! Is this gonna hurt? Yes, very much. What if Jeffrey's not home. Did you ever think of that? Oh he'll be home, it's Friday night. That's the big night on the Nature Channel. Let me tell you this there is no way cousin Jeffrey is dating Amy. He looks like a horse! He does look like a horse. Yeah, he's got a real horse face. (Elaine, while looking out the window) Here, look at this! It's the guy with the dog! (She opens the window and screams) Hey! Hey! You down there! Remember me? I had to get shot because of your stupid dog! Hey who are you calling stupid? Hey, shall we spit on him? No no no no, come on, let's go downstairs. (Singing) Oh myyyy papayaaaa. (The air conditioner wobbles) The air conditioner! (Kramer tries to keep it from falling by holding it's cord, but it snaps) I think it got the dog! Ah, Oh boy. Excuse me, uh I'm new here, would you mind walking me back to my locker? Oh uuh, sure, why not. (the blind man hangs on to George's arm) Hey, that's the guy. What guy? The guy that stole my glasses. This time I got 'em! (George follows the man onto the street, dragging the blind man with him) Would you pick it up a little? Where the hell are we going? He's getting on a bus, damn! (To the blind man) Those are nice glasses. I don't like 'em, they pinch my nose. Is that right? Dwayne, my friend and I would like to exchange frames. Could you put his lenses in my frames and mine in his? (While eating a candy bar) Yeah, we can do that. And I'd like a discount. Why should I give you a discount. Listen, you're lucking I'm not asking for a whole refund. (trying to speak quietly) You gave me ladies' frames! What's that about ladies' frames? I'm trying to track down that lady that was in here the other day, the one that was messing with my dog. Yeah, well, she's trying to track you down. Well I would love to talk with her. (George chuckles) She lives on 81st Street, right? No, that's Jerry. Really? You wouldn't happen to know what apartment he's in, would you? Yeah, 5A! Thanks a lot! So what are we doing here? Oh, you'll find out. I don't know, you're acting very mysteriously. Well, I'm very mysterious by nature. (Jerry knocks on the door) A lot of women find that attractive. I find it annoying. Oh? Helloooo! Uncle Leo?! Come on in. This is Amy. Hello Amy. Unlce Leo, what are you doing here? Jeffrey went out tonight. Ooh! Very convenient. I'm supposed to tape this nature show for him, he loves nature. Botany, zoology. You know his botany teacher from college stays in close touch with him? They became friends! Oh really? That's pretty rare! I mean, actual friends! Like equals! They have dinner together, they have discussions... Uncle Leo! Did he leave any tickets here for me? Oh yeah yeah, I'll get 'em. Thank you. What tickets? To the Paul Simon concert in the park! We're going to the Paul Simon concert? That's right, lady! Oh what a great surprise! I thought you'd like that. Oooh, so that's why you've been acting so mysteriously. Now you know. That, and that alone, is the reason. You know Jeffrey's favorite animal the leopard. Why is that? He likes the spots. Oh uh, here's the tickets. Thank you. Oh uh, he asked me to give you a message. He said that uh he's very sorry and uh he hopes you'll forgive 'em. (To Amy) Aha! So it's true! You were making out with him! What are you talking about, I don't know Jeffrey. Oh so this is why you brought me up here? Oh very convincing, but it's not gonna work this time. What are you talking about? All he meant was that he was sorry that the seats aren't very good. Oh... oh... wanna get some pizza? Boy, these really do pinch the nose. Tough luck! A deal's a deal. Oh my God it is them. I still don't know how you spotted that dime. I think you planted it. Plus I had to pay that vet bill for the stupid dog. I don't know how that guy got my name. Yeah. Hmm. Boy these really do pinch. I tell you, if I ever find the son of a bitch that stole my glasses...
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