||O.K. Cowboys, (taps pencil on her pad) What'll you have?
||Ill have the, ah, turkey club without the bacon.
||And ah, Ill have the bacon club without the turkey. (raises eyebrows)
||George, don't make me get tough with you.
||Why, you think you can, beat me up?
||You wouldn't want me to mess up the beautiful face of yours.
||Huh, nggh [snort] Stop. (flirting with her he playfully hits her arm with the menu, then flicks it into the air)
||You don't want bacon Ill surprise you. (she turns and walks away)
||Wow, is she not terrific?
||She does have a way.
||You think she thinks I have a beautiful face, or is she just saying that?
||Well they do work on tips.
||George, don't make me get tough with you. Whu, hu, hu, hu huuuu (raises arms) Who says that? She is really cool. What do you think? You think she likes me?
||Ah, I should have got the egg white omelet.
||Why should she like me? Who am I? Huh, there's a million people to like.
||The omelet. Damn.
||Maybe she could like me? Is it that far fetched? Maybe she sees something? Is it possible?
||Heyyyyyy (leaning in, very friendly and happy)
||Lannie, how was the trip?
||What trip? You were gone?
||I went to England ... with Mr. Pitt, for 5 days.
||Hunh, pph (raises hands slightly, in amazement) How was it?
||Actually it was great. I met an Englishman, and we really, hit it off.
||Yeah, well that relationships really got a lot of potential.
||he he (laughs)
||Yeah well Jerome, I, happen to be flying him in on my frequent flyer miles.
||Flying him in? How longs he staying for?
||It's an open ended ticket. He can return any time he wants.
||All this in 5 days. Hmm.
||Oh no, it's Kenny Bania.
||(quietly) Oh, he's this awful comedian.
||Hey Kenny. (with some fake enthusiasm, just to be polite)
||Elaine, George (introducing them to Bania with less enthusiasm)
||Hi. (she flips her hair)
||Hi (raises his left hand in a slight gesture to say hi)
||Hi. (to Elaine)
||How's it going?
||Great. I've been working out. Went from a size 40, to a 42.
||Yeah, Im huge (ducks his head into his right shoulder with false modesty) Well, Ill leave you guys alone. (raps his knuckle twice on the table, turns and walks away)
||Oh. Jerry, You know what just hit me? I was thinking -- What size suit are you?
||Ahh, Im a 40. Why?
||I just got a brand new Armani suit -- doesn't fit me anymore. You want it?
||Well I don't know if I ...
||Oh come on. Why should it just sit in the closet?
||An Armani suit?
||Take the suit.
||Well ... ok, I guess (voice trailing off)
||You gonna be home later?
||Ill drop it off. (raps his knuckle twice on the table again, turns and walks away)
||Heh heh heh hey, new suit (raises coffee cup as a salute / toast)
||Yeah, yeah, lucky me. (sips coffee)
||(to George) Here I personally made you a cold chicken sandwich. It's not even on the menu.
||(takes a large bite - with his mouth still full, his speech is muffled) Oh, this is fabulous.
||Boy, she is nice. I like her, I like her Jerry. She's got substance. She oozes substance.
||Well, go in there and talk to her. She's not going to put em on the glass.
||You mean a walk back in? That's the toughest move in the business. You're sending me out into no-mans-land, and if I get shot down I have to crawl all the way back. Well I can't do it! I can't do it, I tell ya!
||Pull yourself together. Your going in there soldier! That's an order!
||Get in there. (he pushes George in the direction of the restaurant)
||Hey. (walking over to Jerry, who sits at the table reading the newspaper)
||Listen, I need you to do me a favor.
||Well, I need you to help me move my refrigerator.
||Cause Im getting rid of it.
||YEAH? (speaking loudly so the visitor can hear him through the intercom)
||[It's K.B., I have the suit]
||ALL RIGHT, COME ON UP (Jerry puts his head down - he's not looking forward to Kenny Bania)
||(claps hands) So ...
||Well, well, why are you getting rid of your refrigerator? (he gets up from the table and carries a dish into the kitchen)
||Well after that Kidney Stone I only want fresh food. It's gotta be fresh. Im not eating any more stored food. Plus you know I want the space.
||Well I could put a, dresser in there. I could get dressed while Im making breakfast.
||Hey (holds the Armani suit up) Here you go. (walks into the apt.)
||You didnt think I was really going to give you a suit, did you?
||What, you're giving him this suit?
||That's right, and it's an Armani.
||Armani? Hey, Armani Jerry. (Kramer takes the suit and looks it over)
||Yes, yes, I heard.
||Come on, try it on.
||No, it's ok.
||Come on, I want to see how it fits.
||All right, all right. (trying on the suit jacket)
||There you go.
||Ok, Yeah all right.
||Oh boy, that looks great. I can't believe you're giving him this.
||I don't even want anything for it.
||He's very generous, isn't he?
||Yes, yes, he is.
||Ill tell you what -- you can take me out to dinner sometime.
||Yeah. You buy me a meal -- you can't get a better deal than that (pats Jerry on the shoulder)
||No, you'll never get a better deal than that.
||All right. Ill leave you alone. (turns and walks out the door)
||Yeah, Ill see you.
||All right, ooh look at that Armani, huh, yeah.
||Yeah, that's a deal. That's a terrible deal. I don't want to go out to dinner with him. Id rather make my own suit.
||I did it! It's all done!
||Hey. (raises hands into fists of encouragement)
||I did it. Hunh, we're going out as soon as she gets off of work and it'll still be daytime. You know I, Im much better in the daytime then I am at night. it's less pressure.
||I love the day date. No wine, No shower.
||There ya go.
||So the trip was good?
||Yes (nice English accent) Apart from that, dreadful airline food. It tends to reek havoc with my stomach.
||You know I, I have to say, I've never admitted this to anyone, but um, I kind of like airline food. (leans in and laughs, flirting with him)
||That's probably because of ... [muttering]
||Where I come from, we don't say What? It's proper to say Pardon?
||Huh. (muttering) This should be interesting.
||So then about a year ago I started selling, these funky little hair clips. It's going pretty good. I make them in my apartment.
||Im just doing this waitress thing for a while, because I wanted to go to Europe this summer
||and I could use a few extra ... Careful
||Oh. It's just horse manure (huh huh - laughs, he points back at the horse that walked by) Horse manure's not that bad. I don't even mind the word manure. You know, it's, it's nure, which is good. and a ma in front of it. MA-NURE. I mean when you consider the other choices, manure is actually pretty refreshing.
||That's a nice watch George.
||You know, my boyfriend has the same one.
||Yeah, he loves watches. He's a real watch freak.
||Well, how about that?
||Ooh look out. (pointing at the ground - squishing sound) You stepped right in it.
||Yes, I sure did.
||So you just pretended it didnt bother you?
||What is that, Boyfriend? I don't understand that. What, what does she think I asked her out for?
||Boy, It's the way they just slip it in there too.
||Yeah, yeah, like it's just part of the conversation. Oh my boyfriend really likes watches. He's a real watch freak. We-e-ell that's fabulous. (snaps fingers in the air a couple of times)
||Well let me ask you this. What exactly did you say when you asked her out?
||I said, would you like to go for a walk or something.
||Oh, a walk, well --
||Or something. I said, Or Something!
||Or something. Yeah, that's a date.
||(snaps fingers) There you go.
||Course you know there is always the possibility, that she called an audible.
||What do you mean?
||Well she got up to the line of scrimmage, didnt like the looks of the defense and changed the play.
||I think things were going ok. We were having a nice conversation.
||I mentioned how I liked horse manure.
||Yeah. You said you liked horse manure.
||You know, about how when you break it down, it's really a very positive thing. you know, you have a nure, with a ma in front of it. MA-NURE. Iz not bad.
||And it was around this point that she mentioned the boyfriend?
||Yeah. (Jerry nodding) ... Oh, you think because of what I said about the manure. I wa, wa, was just saying how it takes a negative thing, and puts it on a positive spin on it.
||Im just saying there's a chance she may not have been enamored with your thoughts and feelings on manure.
||So you don't think she really has a boyfriend?
||My honest opinion, I think she made it up.
||Well then she's just a Liar, Isn't she?
||Aaa. Well ... you want something to eat, don't you?
||Ahh, no, no, no. You got me all wrong buddy. I am loving this no refrigerator. You know what I discovered? I really like depriving myself of things. It's fun. Very monastic.
||Well what do you eat?
||It's all fresh. Fresh fish, fresh foul, fresh fruit. I buy it, I omniga nominga, I eat it.
||Well Im glad it's working out.
||Oh yeah, it's working out. And I got a date with that waitress who works at Reggies.
||Boy, if I could meet a hostess, we could open up our own place.
||Ha ha ha ha. Yeah, well, Ill tell you, she's a full-figured gal.
||Oh you better believe it buddy. Hey George, we could double sometime.
||Yeah, yeah, yeah we could. You know, ah, Kramer, the next time you talk to her, find out if she knows Kelly, from Monk's. I wanna know if she really has a boyfriend.
||All right it's done.
||Hi, Jerry. It's Kenny.
||You know, I was thinking if you're not busy, maybe I can get my meal today?
||Yeah, you wanna get that meal, don't you?
||How about Mendys, ooh, ever been there?
||No I haven't?
||Ah youre gonna love it. Ill meet you there around 700.
||(hangs up the phone) Yeah, I really needed that suit.
||I start off with curls. That's good for the bicep. (motions with 2 fingers along his right bicep) I do 10 reps, 2 sets.
||Mm. That's fantastic. (he could care less)
||You work out with weights?
||No I don't.
||You worn the suit yet?
||No, not yet.
||have you decided?
||Oh, get the swordfish. Best swordfish in the city. The best, Jerry.
||Ill have the salmon.
||Ahh, you know what I think. Im just going to have soup. Yeah, Ill save the meal for another time.
||Another time? What other time?
||I had a hot dog earlier. Im not that hungry.
||No, no, Bania, no. This is the dinner. The soup counts.
||Soup's not a meal. You're supposed to buy me a meal.
||Im not stopping you from eating. Go ahead and eat. Get anything you want.
||But I don't want anything but soup.
||Then that's the meal.
||But I had the hot dog.
||I didnt tell you to have a hot dog. Who told you to have a hot dog?
||Hey, I give you a brand-new Armani suit, and you won't even buy me a meal?
||All right, fine. Get the soup!
||So he just gets soup. He wants to save the meal. So now I got to do it all over again.
||What kind of soup did he get?
||I don't know? Consomm or something.
||Well, that's not really a meal Jerry. I mean, if he had gotten, Chicken Gumbo, or Matzah Ball, even Mushroom Barley. Then I would agree with you. Those are very hardy soups.
||Elaine you're missing the whole point.
||The meal is the act of sitting down with him. It doesn't matter what you get, as long as he's sitting in that restaurant, its a meal.
||Was it a cup or a bowl?
||You see -- ah, uh ...
||Im just curious.
||A bowl, ok?
||Did he crumble any crackers in it?
||(reiterating the question) Did he crumble, any crackers in it?
||As a mater of fact, he did.
||Oh, well. Crackers in a bowl. That -- That could be a meal.
||It's like Im talking to my Aunt Sylvia here.
||Oh, hi Simon. This is Jerry.
||Hello. (to Jerry, politely -- then quickly turns to Elaine) Elaine, do you have any cash on you?
||Um, yeah in my purse.
||No. There was only six dollars.
||Well, I have some money. What do you need? (pulls out some bills)
||Well, 20 should cover me. (snatches the cash) Thanks mate. (he walks down the stairs to the sidewalk)
||Where you going?
||(starts to turn back to Elaine) Just visiting.
||Oh, OK, see you later.
||I won't be back for dinner. (turns and walks off down the street)
||(English accent) Pardon?
||So is she working? Is she here?
||Yeah, yeah, she's here.
||Have you said anything to her?
||No, but Im very uncomfortable.
||Are you going to say anything?
||There she is. (waiving his arms quickly above the table - to nix the conversation) No no no no no no.
||Well, what's it going to be?
||What's it gonna be?
||Yes. What'll you have? Are you eating? It's in that vein.
||Ill eh, Ill just have a bowl of chili.
||Ill have an egg white omelet.
||What's it gonna be? ... You hear that?
||Yeah, that was bad.
||Did you feel that tension? We use to have banter - (puts menu back with frustration) - there's no more banter.
||Oh, no, it's Kenny. Slide out so he can't sit down. (George & Jerry each slide to the end of their booth seats)
||You worn the suit yet?
||Actually, I did. I put it on last night and slept in it.
||... Oh, Im joking.
||OH! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Can I squeeze in? (to George)
||Sure you can.
||Can I take your order?
||What kind of soup do you have?
||Why don't you get a sandwich?
||Ok, Ill have tomato soup and ah, tuna on toast.
||OK ... (nodding his head up and down) This is it cha know
||This is the meal ... so stock up buddy boy.
||What are you talking about? this isn't a meal.
||Yes it is. Soup and sandwich. That is a meal.
||You're supposed to buy me dinner in a nice restaurant, like Mendys.
||I tried to do that.
||This is lunch in a coffee shop
||Doesn't matter, This is it. This completes the transaction.
||Ah, soup and a sandwich for a brand-new Armani suit. Is that any kind of gesture? (turns to George)
||Im really not comfortable ...
||(to George) Hey, I just spoke to ah, Hilde about your friend.
||She doesn't have a boyfriend. She made it up.
||Oh, he'll be right up. He's just getting some beer. And Im not expecting ... any change. (leans forward as she brings her hands together in front of her, then sits on the couch)
||When's he leaving? (putting some items into the refrigerator)
||About 2 days. Although he's hinting at how he'd like to stay. Fortunately he has no money, and no prospects. (she smiles)
||Hey mate. Fancy a beer?
||Ah, no thanks.
||(on the phone) Hello? No, Im sorry Bania ... Im not going over this again. Well who told you to order soup? ... No! There's no dinner. There's not going to be any dinner. You've had a sandwich and 2 bowls of soup and that's it. Good-bye.
||Hey, what size suit are you?
||40. Perfect. Brand-new Armani suit, you want it?
||Great, its yours. I can't stand the sight of it. Elaine, heres the car keys. (tosses her the keys)
||Listen Jerry, I've been doing some thinking. I want my suit back.
||I don't have your suit. I gave it away.
||Well it's my suit.
||Well it's gone. Im sorry. Good-bye Bania.
||Um, yeah. (glances around the apt.) Oh, uh ... well, how's everything? (clap)
||Good, ah, (clap) what's going on?
||You want food, don't cha? (nodding his head up and down)
||It's not for me. It's for Hilde -- the waitress I was telling you about. She's hungry, she wants food. If I go back in there without any food ... there's gonna be trouble. (his voice gets really high pitched on his last sentence)
||All right, go ahead
||Thanks buddy. (goes over to the fridge and pulls out a few things)
||Did you find anything!
||Uh, yeah, ah ...
||There's a few things in here, ah, peanut butter, cheese, yeah ...
||Cheese is good. Yeah, what kind?
||All right, it'll have to do. Come on.
||What are we doing out here? Aren't we going to go in and eat?
||I can't go in there. Im too uncomfortable.
||Oh, w-what are you saying? So we're not going to go in there anymore?
||Hey, What are you doing out here?
||We can't eat here anymore, because he took a waitress out for a walk.
||What's the difference? Let's go to Reggies.
||Reggies? I can't eat anything there.
||It's the same menu.
||There's no Big Salad.
||They'll make you a Big Salad. What do you think, they're the only one's that make a Big Salad?
||All right. Let's go, to Reggies.
||So what's going on with Simon? Did he leave?
||Ahh ... wait till you hear this.
||So Simon picks this woman up, right in front of me.
||Look at this. They make a point of saying on the menu, No egg white omelets. Look at that.
||So what! Have a yoke! It won't kill you.
||(walks up to the table) Hello.
||Oh, hi Hilde. Can I get an egg white omelet?
||Did you read the menu?
||All right, just give me a western. (unhappy)
||How bout a Big Salad?
||A big salad?
||(to George) Ya see?
||Just tell her whatcha want, they'll make it for ya.
||It's a salad, only bigger, with lots of stuff in it.
||I can bring you 2 small salads.
||Could you put it in a big bowl?
||We don't have big bowls.
||All right. Just give me a cup of decaf.
||We have Sanka.
||I mean, it's not fair. I've been going there for 7 years. She's been there 3 weeks.
||If anyone should be forced to leave that place, it should be her!
||She's on your turf.
||If only she could get fired. Is there any way that could happen? I mean I know how to get myself fired.
||You're the best.
||Well ...... but how do I get someone else fired?
||Well as I see it, you've got to apply the same principles that get you fired, but redirected, outwardly.
||H-Hey. She's hungry Jerry.
||Well, there's nothing left. There's no food.
||No food? Well you gotta have something -- (rummages through Jerry's cupboards and refrigerator) -- I can't go back in there with no food. She's expecting something Jerry. You don't know what she's like when that blood sugar drops.
||(from Kramer's apartment) Food!
||There, you see. She's already in a bad mood. She just got fired.
||Why'd she get fired?
||Oh, because I called over there a couple of times and the manager didnt like it.
||So, Simon is definitely going back now. He's meeting me here to return my keys.
||Boy, he's a real bounder, isn't he?
||Yes. He's one of those bounders.
||Egg white omelet and Big Salad.
||AHhh. Thank you.
||I just wanted you guys know that Friday's my last day. Bloomingdales ordered a bunch of my clips, thank God, I don't have to do this any more. (turns and walks away)
||Ah (hu ha - small laugh)
||Hey Jerry, where's my suit?
||I don't have it. You want half my omelet? (holds his omelet plate up to Bania)
||(on the phone, we assume it's George calling) I told you, she's busy. She can't come to the phone now! (hangs up)
||You better tell your boyfriend to stop calling here.
||Oh he's not my boyfriend. It's that bald guy with the glasses, who's always here with them. He's trying to get me in trouble.
||HEY! Yeah. I got a message for you. You tell your friend George, that the next time I see him around here, Im going to turn him into my Own, Personal, Hand-Puppet.
||Well, hello. Here you are as promised. You see, Im a man of my word. (drops keys into Elaine's extended palm)
||When are you leaving?
||Elaine, are you trying to get rid of me? Aha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I was supposed to leave tomorrow, but all of a sudden, I've been set up with a job interview that might enable me to extend my visit indefinitely. And it is all due, to this suit. How do I look? Im a shoe-in aren't I. Thanks again love. (touches the table, turns and walks to the exit)
||(turns towards the lunch counter) Hey Kenny. You still want to get that suit back?
||(leans backwards from the counter) Yeah!
||There it goes. (pointing at Simon walking out the door)
||Hey! Hey! (he runs out the door after Simon; from outside) Come Here You!
||(from outside Monk's) What are you doing? Unhand me!
||(from outside Monk's) Take It Off!