||Say it's Saturday night in Spain. They go out dancing. You think they do the flamenco?
||I would think.
||So you could call a woman for a date, ask her if she's free for Dinner and a flamenco?
||(scoffs) You don't flamenco on the first date.
||Boy, I wish the flamenco was popular here.
||Yeah? Would you do it?
||Yes, I think I would.
||Well, I knew you'd have an affinity for it, because it's the dance of a very proud people.
||Hello. (listens) Oh, hi Nana. (listens) What? Oh. Oh, alright, okay. Don't worry about it. (listens) Okay, I'll see you later. Alright, bye.
||I have to go over to my grandmother's.
||I have to open a bottle of ketchup for her.
||So, what, no lunch?
||No, we have time.
||Oh. How's she doing?
||Ah, she's starting to slip a little. Sometimes she has Difficulty distinguishing between the past and the present.
||Ah. You know, there's gotta be an easier way to open ketchups. They should make it in a tube.
||There's a squeeze ketchup.
||I've seen squeeze mustard. I've never seen squeeze ketchup.
||Well, if they make squeeze mustard, doesn't it stand to reason that they make squeeze ketchup?
||Not necessarily. Mustard lends itself to the squeeze.
||I really don't see the difference.
||Oh, there's a difference. It's subtle.
||Hey uh, isn't Elaine supposed to meet us?
||(looking ahead) Yeah, there she is. Uh-oh.
||Ah, she's with her friend Wendy.
||Wendy? Is that the uh, physical therapist?
||Yeah. I'm on a kiss hello program with her.
||Yeah. Every time I see her, I gotta kiss her hello. I just did it once, on her birthday, somehow it mushroomed. Now I dread seeing her because of it.
||(from a distance) Hey.
||You know, I'm down to one kiss hello. My aunt Sylvia.
||Ah, that's fortunate. I really admire that.
||(surprise) Huh. I never heard you say you admire me for anything.
||No, I told you I admire your hearing.
||No, don't slough that off, you have great hearing.
||(to Wendy) Wendy, George. (to George) Wendy.
||You're uh, physical therapist, right?
||You know, I got this little swelling right here. (rolls up his sleeve to expose his wrist) It's kinda painful. What d'you make of it?
||Have you tried heat and ice on it?
||(reluctant) Oh that uh, that seems like a lotta trouble.
||Well, you could come by my office later, I could work on it for you a little.
||(happy) Oh! Okay.
||Let me give you my card.
||Oh, thank you.
||Well, I'll see you guys later. (to George) Nice meeting you. Bye Elaine.
||Bye Wendy. I'm sorry.
||(slapping George on the arm) What did you do that for?
||(pinching George's arm) Ask about your arm.
||I still don't see why I can't ask her about my arm.
||She's a physical therapist. She doesn't want to have to deal with that outside of the office.
||Because, it is what she does.
||I love these people, you can't ask 'em questions. (getting excited) They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate genius unless it's in the confines of an office. (worked up) When huge sums of money are involved, then the delicate genius can be disturbed!
||George, you got a little something, right here.
||(wiping the area with a hand) People think they're so important...
||(adamant) Well, I'm going on record right now that that was my last kiss hello. I am getting off the kiss program with her.
||Well, you know, frankly, outside of a sexual relationship, I don't see the point to it. I'm not thrilled with all the handshaking either, but one step at a time.
||(regarding the menu) What're you getting?
||(to Elaine) And what's with that hairdo, by the way?
||Huh, yeah, I know. It's not very flattering.
||She looks like something out of an old high school yearbook. You should say something to her.
||Oh, I could never say anything to her about that.
||Yeah. Kramer's the only person who could say something like that.
||Well, just tell Kramer to tell her.
||No. If you tell him to do it, he'll never do it.
||What you have to do is introduce him, and then he'll just come out with it.
||(sharp intake of breath) Hoh. Yes, yes, you're right. That's right. I'll bring her over to meet...
||(to Kramer) ...Kramer.
||Hello, boys and girls.
||Speak of the devil.
||Yeah. Hey listen, I uh, I need a picture of you, buddy.
||Well, I'm uh, I'm putting everybody's picture up in the lobby of our building.
||So everyone will know everybody's name. See, people are gonna be a lot friendlier.
||(reluctant) I, I don't want my picture plastered up in the lobby.
||Imagine walking by someone on the floor, and you say "Hey, Carl!" and he says "Hey, Jerry!" You see, that's the kind of society I wanna live in.
||(still reluctant) Kramer, I don't wanna stop and talk with everyone, every time I go in the building. I just wanna nod and be on my way.
||(to Elaine) You know your eyeliner's smudged a little. Why do you wear so much eye makeup?
||(to Jerry, indicating Kramer) Yeah. This is gonna work out just fine.
||Ma! Again with the ketchup? Don't they have 'em in the plastic squeeze containers?
||(traditional greeting) Jerry! Hello!
||Hello, uncle Leo!
||What're you doing here?
||Nana called me to open the ketchup bottle.
||Yeah, me too.
||Aren't you gonna kiss her hello?
||Yes. (kisses Nana) Yes of course.
||Ha, well, here's the bottle.
||(grabbing the bottle) I'll do it.
||(also grabbing) What're you doing, I got it.
||Give it to me.
||Will you stop it.
||Jerry, will you give me the bottle?
||Uncle Leo! (releasing his grip) Alright! Take it!
||You should let Buddy open it.
||Buddy? He lived next door to us forty-five years ago.
||Leo, did you give Helen the fifty dollars?
||What fifty dollars?
||Your father won a thousand dollars at the track last week, and he gave you a hundred, and you were supposed to give fifty dollars to your sister.
||Ma, dad died in nineteen-sixty-two.
||(laughing off Nana's confusion) Believe me. I don't owe your mother fifty dollars.
||I'm just not getting any hot water.
||Hey, believe me, I know there's nothing worse than when your shower's not working. I'm gonna take care of it as soon as I can, Jerry.
||(surprised) Hey, hey hey hey. Hello!
||What's going on here?
||(evasive) Ohh, nothing, nothing.
||(suspicious) Well, then what're you doing?
||Oh, I, I need a pen.
||Well, I'm making out my will. Oh, I got a big slice of dough for you, buddy. And you too, Elaine, I haven't forgotten you.
||(accusingly) You're looking for a picture of me, aren't you?
||You got that straight.
||I told you, forget it.
||Oh, come on, Jerry. If everybody knew everybody, we wouldn't have the problems we have in the world today. Well, you don't rob somebody, if you know their name!
||You're robbing me.
||Well, I'm gonna get your picture, and you're gonna participate in my program.
||Wha... W.. Are you going home?
||Uh, could you come back in about five minutes?
||No reason. (big smile) Just wanna see you again.
||(removing his coat) So? Are you sure Wendy's coming?
||Yeah, she'll be here any second.
||Well, this'll be a very interesting experiment to see if Kramer says something. You sure you wanna go through with this?
||Listen, Jerry. She never dates, and I know it's because of her hair.
||Hello. Oh, hi mom. Yeah, I was at Nana's yesterday. I had to help her open a ketchup bottle. Hey, mom, let me ask you a question. Do you remember when you were a kid, your father winning like a thousand dollars at the track? (listens) Really? Did you know he gave uncle Leo a hundred dollars, and he was supposed to give you fifty? (listens) How do I know? Because Nana doesn't know what year it is, and she thinks this just happened. (listens) Well, I think you should. Okay, bye.
||Do you know what the interest on that fifty dollars comes to over fifty-three years?
||Oh, Morty, please.
||Six hundred and sixty-three dollars and forty-five cents. And that's figuring conservatively at five percent interest, over fifty-three years, compounded quarterly. Or, if you put it into a ten-year T-bill...
||Morty, will you stop it!
||(determined) Well, he's not getting away with this!
||Come on up.
||Well, this is it. Shall I go get Kramer?
||No no, he'll come in. Well, this is gonna be my first opportunity to not kiss her hello.
||What is the big deal about putting your lips on somebody's face?
||It's the obligation, you know? As soon as this person comes in, you know you have to do this. I mean, if you could, say, touch a breast as part of the kiss hello, then I think I could see the value in it a little better.
||How 'bout an intercourse hello? How would that be?
||Elaine, now you're being ridiculous.
||(indicating) That's her. That's her.
||(muffled) Hi Wendy.
||Oh, hi Jerry.
||(muffled) Would you like something to drink?
||(muffled) There you go.
||(taking the bottle) Ah.
||Oh, look at that. I'm almost outta Klondike bars.
||So, how's everything going?
||Oh, okay. Oh, your friend George came by the office the other day, and then yesterday he cancelled on me.
||Oh, yeah, he had to take his mother to the chiropodist.
||Oh, you hear that? That must be Kramer.
||C'mon, that's not fair!
||I told you I was gonna get it.
||No, c'mon Kramer. (crossing to Kramer) Gimme that picture.
||(holding the picture away from Jerry) Aagh. No no no no no.
||(throws up his hands) Alright, fine. Put my picture up. What do I care?
||Uh, Kramer. Kramer, I'd like you to meet my friend Wendy.
||(holds out her hand) Hi.
||(shaking hands) Yeah.
||(points) You know, I really like that hairdo.
||(flattered) Oh. Thank you. I actually was thinking it might be time for a change.
||(hopeful) Oh, you were?
||(interrupting) Oh, no no no. You don't wanna do that. No no. Nobody wears it like that.
||Kramer, if she wants to change her hair...
||No, no. you'd be a damn fool to change it. It's very becoming.
||(laughs, flattered) Oh, ho.
||So, who's that friend of yours? That guy that came in.
||Yeah. Does he have a girlfriend?
||You wanna go out with him?
||Well, why not?
||Well, it's just that... uh, I don't...
||What, is there anything wrong with him?
||I'm just thinking about the question.
||You know, my arm feels a lot better. That Wendy really knows her stuff. (he writes out a cheque)
||(perky) She is super. Same time tomorrow.
||(tearing out cheque) Yeah, same time. (hands over cheque) There you go.
||Oh. Ah, you owe a hundred and fifty.
||Well, you cancelled on Tuesday, and our policy is "twenty-four hours notice, for all cancellations".
||(agitated) Well, I, I couldn't come. I, I had to drive my mother to, to the chiropodist.
||What's the problem?
||(harassed) Are you aware that I'm being charged for Tuesday's appointment? I had to take my mother to the chiropodist.
||Well, I'm sorry, that's our policy.
||(after Wendy and to the receptionist) Oh, you have a policy! (to the world at large) The delicate genius has a policy! George heads for the door.
||So. Will you be here tomorrow?
||Well, it's less than twenty-four hours, so I guess I have to!
||Hey! (indicating photos) So what d'you think? You like it?
||Oh my god! Look at that picture, it's terrible...
||...You can't put that picture up.
||Well, it's not a beauty contest. It's just a way for people to get to know one another.
||...Steve. (to Jerry) Ah, you see?
||Hey Kramer, my friend Wendy wants to go out with you.
||(interested) Well, how do you do?
||Hello, (finds the right photo) Jerry.
||Oh. Hello, uh (looks for and finds the photo) Mary.
||You know, I've seen you so many times and now we can finally talk to each other.
||(keen) What was I telling you? Isn't this nice?
||(not really) Yeah.
||Jerry. You know, could you help me with a package?
||Oh, sure, yeah.
||You see? That's just what I need. More kissing!
||(laughs) Hee, hee, hee. Hee hee hee...
||What is so funny?
||Nothing, nothing. (laughs out loud)
||Hello. Oh, hi mom. (listens) What? Oh my... He didn't?! He couldn't! (listens) Alright, I will. (listens) Okay, bye.
||(aghast) Uncle Leo put Nana in a home!
||(suspicious) I don't know. Maybe to keep her quiet.
||Hi Jerry. (she kisses Jerry) Mmmwah.
||(not as eager) Hi Joan.
||How you doing?
||Just pretty good? Not great?
||Are you happy?
||Oh, I'm delighted.
||Okay. Have a nice day.
||Ah, well. Thank you very much!
||(agitated) For putting my picture up on that wall! I'm like Richard Dawson down there now. And every person I see engages me in this long, boring, tedious, conversation. I can't even get out of the building!
||You should be thanking me for liberating you from your world of loneliness and isolation. Now, you're part of a family.
||You think I want another family? My father's demanding my uncle pay interest on fifty dollars he was supposed to give my mother in nineteen-forty-one, and my uncle put my nana in a home to try and shut her up! And I tell you another thing, Cosmo Kramer, whatever you wanna be called. The kissing thing is over. There's no more kissing, and I don't care what the consequences are.
||Oh, hi. Mister Costanza, we were trying to get in touch with you. Wendy can't make her appointment.
||What d'you mean?
||She had some personal affair she had to attend to. I left a message on your machine. You didn't get it?
||When did you leave the message?
||Few hours ago.
||(pointedly) Oh, I'm sorry, I require twenty-four hours notice for a cancellation. Now, as I see it, you owe me seventy-five dollars.
||Look, Mister Costanza...
||Will that be cash, or cheque?
||I am really glad I took the day off.
||Oh, yeah, there's nothing better than skiing.
||Yeah. I hope my clients weren't too upset.
||Ugh, the hell with 'em.
||What're you stopping here for?
||I'm dropping you off.
||(pointing) Oh, no, I'm three more blocks.
||Yeah, but if I take you to your door, then I have to go all the way around Central Park West, back to Columbus, you know it's all one way...
||Yeah, but it's only three blocks.
||Right. It's only three blocks.
||(unbuckling her seatbelt) Alright, well...
||She'd driven me a hundred and twenty miles and, all of a sudden, three blocks from my door, she decides this trip is over. Isn't that strange?
||Yes, it's very strange. Very strange.
||I've never heard of anything like this. I mean, it's almost as if I was hitch-hiking and she says "Well, this is as far as I can take you."
||I tell you. If you were hitch-hiking, you'd never get into a car with someone with a hairdo like that.
||I had to carry my skis, and my boots and my poles. I think I pinched a nerve in my shoulder.
||You should have her work on it for you.
||Yeah, alright, I gotta go.
||Uh, listen. I decided I can't kiss hello anymore. I'm sorry. It's nothing personal....
||...It just makes me a little uncomfortable and I can't do it. I'm sorry.
||...I was just telling Mary how I'm not gonna be doing the kiss hello thing anymore. (continues backing away) I'm sorry. I just can't do it. It's nothing personal, it's just I'm not really able to do it and uh, I'm sorry.
||(as the elevator doors close) Thank you for your cooperation.
||Hi mom. So, what's happening with uncle Leo? Is he paying you?
||Well, he said no. He said we had no proof.
||No proof? We'll get him. He's a crook, sooner or later, he'll slip up.
||Uh, anyway, I want you to go check on Nana at the home.
||Okay, I will.
||D'you realise, an above-average performing growth mutual fund for fifty-three years...
||(locking his door) Oh, I gotta go visit my nana in the nursing home.
||Hey, Kramer, look at this.
||Look at my picture!
||I've been defaced!
||Hey, don't you worry buddy. I made double prints.
||Hey. Hi Cosmo.
||Oh, hey, Jack. How you doing?
||Hey, Julio. I was wondering, could you get to that shower today, You think?
||Oh, I see. When you need something done, you're very friendly to people, huh?
||(defensive) No no, that's not true!
||(accusing) Well, I think it is! It's a big building, Seinfeld, maybe I'll get to it someday. After I take care of the people who're civil to each other.
||Yeah, she's upstairs, playing cards.
||You know, she really doesn't belong here. My uncle put her here, Because he's trying to prove he doesn't owe my mother fifty dollars.
||Well, she seems very happy. She met an old friend who used to live next door to her.
||Yes, that's his name. He's right over there.
||(smiling) I'm sorry, I don't owe you anything. I had some personal business that day.
||(irascible) Oh, I see. So your time is more valuable than mine. Is that it? You're a delicate genius!
||A delicate genius?
||(leaving) Hah. Good luck.
||What's going on?
||(feeling her arm) Wendy, I injured my shoulder, Wednesday, when you dropped me off and I had to carry my skis, and my boots, and my poles and everything, all the way home. I'm, I'm having trouble lifting my arm. Do you think you could give me some treatment?
||Oh sure. You have insurance, right?
||(shocked) Insurance? You're charging me?
||Wednesday? That's your personal business?! (stalks over to the counter) Skiing?! (angry) So let people suffer, while you're shushing all over a mountain?
||How did you hear that?
||I hear everything.
||I mean, why don't you two just take your business elsewhere, hmm?
||Oh, huh huh, that is a good idea. C'mon George.
||Yeah. Let's go.
||(pointedly) And you know, you might wanna do something about that hair.
||Why, what's wrong with my hair?
||Huh, I think it's a little old-fashioned. Don't you? (to receptionist) Uh, tell her.
||So you were with him that day at the track?
||Oh yeah. He won a thousand dollars. His son was there too.
||Yeah, that's it. Leo. Ooh, what an obnoxious little kid. He used to steal my soda bottles. and cash 'em in for the deposits, uh?
||Is that so?
||And, after your grandfather hit the daily double, he gave him a hundred dollars, and told him to give fifty to his sister. His sister? Why I tell you he shoulda give it to me for all the bottles he took!
||Well, that's very interesting.
||(standing) Uncle Leo! I just met an old acquaintance of yours. (indicates Buddy) You remember Buddy. He just told me quite a story about you and Grandpa at the track.
||(defensive) One second...
||(with a triumphant point) You're busted!
||Hey, Steve. How you doing?
||Hey, Jeff. What's happening?
||Mary! Oh, Mary! Give us a kiss.
||Don't be like that, Mary. C'mon, I made a mistake!
||(contemptuous) Look, why don't you do everybody a favour, and just get out of this building? (angry) Nobody wants you here. Nobody!
||Hi Jeff. How are you?
||Hi Pete. How you doing?
||Hey, let's go get some coffee.
||Oh, that'd be great.
||Oh, Paul, could you hold that door...
||Hey. Could I use your shower?
||What, again? You took one this morning.
||(pleading) I got a date. C'mon, please.
||I know but I... (waves toward the interior of his apartment) Little problem.
||(leaning to look round Kramer) Wendy here?
||No no no. She changed her hairstyle, (pulls a face) it's terrible. No, we're done.
||I'll go get some more beer.
||Oh yeah, yeah, great. (calling after the guy) And get some of those blue corn chips.
||(kisses Kramer hello) Mmmwah.
||Ooh, I like that.
||(impressed) Who's that?
||Oh man. Looks like you got quite a few people here.
||Yeah yeah. Well uh, you know, I'd invite you in, but uhm... you know.
||(rueful acceptance) Oh, yeah, I understand.