|Character||DOORMAN||JERRY||DOORMAN||JERRY||DOORMAN||JERRY||DOORMAN||JERRY||DOORMAN||JERRY||DOORMAN||JERRY||DOORMAN||KRAMER||GEORGE||KRAMER||GEORGE||KRAMER||GEORGE||KRAMER||KRAMER||KRAMER||KRAMER||GEORGE||KRAMER||ELAINE||JERRY||ELAINE||JERRY||ELAINE||JERRY||ELAINE||JERRY||ELAINE||GEORGE||FRANK||GEORGE||FRANK||GEORGE||FRANK||KRAMER||FRANK||KRAMER||GEORGE||FRANK||ELAINE||JERRY||ELAINE||JERRY||ELAINE||ELAINE||MR. PITT||ELAINE||JERRY||MR. PITT||ELAINE||MR. PITT||ELAINE||MR. PITT||ELAINE||ELAINE||MR. PITT (O.C.)||DOORMAN||JERRY||DOORMAN||JERRY||DOORMAN||JERRY||DOORMAN||GEORGE||JERRY||GEORGE||KRAMER||JERRY||GEORGE||JERRY||KRAMER||GEORGE||KRAMER||GEORGE||JERRY||GEORGE||JERRY||KRAMER||GEORGE||KRAMER||JERRY||KRAMER||BUXOM WOMAN||GEORGE||BUXOM WOMAN||GEORGE||ELAINE||JERRY||ELAINE||JERRY||ELAINE||JERRY||ELAINE||JERRY||ELAINE||JERRY||ELAINE||JERRY||GEORGE||DOORMAN||JERRY||DOORMAN||JERRY||DOORMAN||JERRY||DOORMAN||JERRY||DOORMAN||JERRY||DOORMAN||JERRY||JERRY||JERRY||MR. GREEN||JERRY||DELIVERY GUY||JERRY||DELIVERY GUY||JERRY||KRAMER||FRANK||KRAMER||FRANK||KRAMER||FRANK||KRAMER||FRANK||KRAMER||FRANK||KRAMER||FRANK||KRAMER||KRAMER||ESTELLE||ESTELLE||GEORGE||ESTELLE||GEORGE||ESTELLE||GEORGE||ESTELLE||GEORGE||ESTELLE||GEORGE||ESTELLE||GEORGE||ESTELLE||GEORGE||ESTELLE||GEORGE||ESTELLE||GEORGE||ELAINE||JERRY||ELAINE||TENANT 1||TENANT 2||ELAINE||JERRY||ESTELLE||ELAINE||JERRY||ELAINE||JERRY||ELAINE||JERRY||ELAINE||JERRY||ELAINE||JERRY||ELAINE||JERRY||ELAINE||JERRY||ELAINE||JERRY||ELAINE||JERRY||ELAINE||JERRY||ELAINE||JERRY||ELAINE||KRAMER||FRANK||KRAMER||FRANK||KRAMER||FRANK||KRAMER||FRANK||KRAMER||FRANK||FRANK||KRAMER||FRANK||KRAMER||FRANK||KRAMER||FRANK||GEORGE||FRANK||GEORGE||DOORMAN||MRS. PAYTON||DOORMAN||MRS. PAYTON||ELAINE||MRS. PAYTON||ELAINE||DOORMAN||ELAINE||ELAINE||JERRY||ELAINE||JERRY||ELAINE||JERRY||DOORMAN 2||DOORMAN||DOORMAN 2||ELAINE||ELAINE||JERRY||GEORGE||JERRY||GEORGE||ELAINE||GEORGE||ELAINE||GEORGE||KRAMER||FRANK||KRAMER||FRANK||FARKUS||KRAMER||FARKUS||FRANK||KRAMER||FARKUS||FRANK||FARKUS||KRAMER||FRANK||KRAMER||KRAMER||FARKUS||KRAMER||FARKUS||KRAMER||FARKUS||FARKUS||FRANK||FARKUS||FRANK||FARKUS||FRANK||FARKUS||FRANK||KRAMER (O.C.)||GEORGE||FRANK||GEORGE||FRANK||GEORGE||KRAMER||FRANK||KRAMER||FRANK||GEORGE||FRANK||GEORGE||ESTELLE||GEORGE||ESTELLE||FRANK||ESTELLE||FRANK||KRAMER||FRANK||KRAMER||FRANK||ESTELLE||FRANK||ESTELLE||FRANK||ESTELLE||FRANK||ESTELLE||FRANK||ESTELLE||FRANK||GEORGE||FRANK||GERMAN WOMAN||GERMAN WOMAN||GERMAN WOMAN||HORST||KRAMER||HORST||HORST||KRAMER||HORST||KRAMER||HORST||HORST||MRS. PAYTON||ELAINE||JERRY||JERRY||POPPIE||JERRY||POPPIE||JERRY||POPPIE||JERRY||POPPIE||POPPIE||POPPIE||ELAINE||POPPIE||JERRY||FRANK||GEORGE|
|Dialogue||Whoah, whoah, whoah. (rises and turns to Jerry) May I help you?||(indicates with his thumb) Yeah, I'm just going up to see Elaine Benes.||(unfriendly smile) Benes? (moves toward Jerry) No-one here by that name.||Oh, she's uh, she's house-sitting for Mr. Pitt.||Oh. House-sitting, mmm.||Yeah.||What're you, the boyfriend? Here for a... quickie?||Can I just go up?||Oh, I get it. Why waste time making small talk with the doorman? I should just shut up and do my job, opening the door for you.||How 'bout those Knicks?||Oh, I see. On the sports page...||Yeah.||...What makes you think I wasn't reading the Wall Street page? Oh, I know, because I'm the uneducated doorman.||So, you think your parents'll get back together?||I hope so. I can't take him living with me much longer. He makes this kasha, it stinks up the whole house.||Hey, George, stick 'em up.||What?||For these German tourists. Pretend that I'm robbing you.||Why?||So these people can go back home and tell their friends they saw a real New York mugging. It'll give them a thrill.||Awright, hands up, porky!||That's it. Now, gimme your wallet. Got it in here, huh, fat boy!||(aggressive) Is that all you got?! Hah? Is that all you got?!||Alright, that's enough.||I'll tell you when it's enough! (he releases George) Alright, now you better not say anything, or I'll stalk you!||Where've you been? We're gonna miss the movie, let's go.||I am not going back down there. I can't face that guy again.||What guy?||The doorman. I don't wanna play anymore of his mindgames. What time does he get off?||Six. But then the night doorman comes on. He's much scarier. (scary noise) Whugh! (laughs) Ha-ha.||Well, it's almost six now. Can't we just wait til he goes home?||(unhappy) I...||We'll still make the movie.||(accepting) Okay, okay.||What'd you do today, dad?||Today, I went record shopping in Greenwich Village. I bought this record, but I can't seem to find the hi-fi.||I don't have a hi-fi.||Didn't I give you my old record player?||(leaving to the bedroom) I gave it to Cosmo.||Cosmo? Who's Cosmo?||I'm Cosmo.||Well, I want it back. I wanna listen to that cha-cha record.||(little dance) One-two, cha-cha-cha.||(coming back in) Alright, alright. Can we go out and eat?||(putting down the bowl) Lemme change my shirt.||Jerry, it's six. (claps her hands) Let's go.||Uh, that doorman's still milling around outside. He's very peculiar.||No, don't...||(picks up phone) Hello? (listens) Oh, hi Mr. Pitt.||(quietly) Give that to me.||(taking the phone) Hello Mr. Pitt. How's Scotland?||(concerned) Elaine, are you having a party?||A party. Oh no, that was just my stupid friend Jerry.||Alright, he just left. We can go.||(stern) Because there's to be no entertaining while I'm gone.||Believe me, we're not entertained. We were just leaving. (to Jerry) Oh, can you grab those empty bottles for me.||I need to know what's in the mail.||Oh, well, Mr. Pitt, there's really nothing that can't wait. We're trying to catch a movie.||(resolute) Well, you better catch the later show, because I need to know what's in the mail.||Alright. (to Jerry, upset) I can't go.||...Uhm, the new Time magazine. The new People...||(piqued interest) Oh, who's on the cover?||Hey, buddy.||(surprise) You? Wh...what're you doing here? You work at this building too?||Ah, sure. Poor doorman has to work two jobs to put food on the table for mother and baby. (supercilious) No, I live here. That's okay, isn't it?||So you work all day as a doorman at one building. Then you come home and stand outside your own building?||You got a problem with that?||Look, I'm not going in your building. I really don't have to talk to you. Goodbye.||(calling after Jerry) You really think you're better than me, don't you?!||My father opened his shirt...||Yeah, and?||(nods to Kramer) Tell him, Kramer.||(matter of fact) He had breasts.||What d'you mean, breasts?||(waves his hands) Big breasts!||So what? A lot of older men have that.||No, not these. These were real hooters.||I was throwing up all night. It was like my own personal Crying Game.||Well, maybe you're gonna get 'em too, George.||(worried) Yeah, that's right. What if it's a genetic thing, like father like son?||But, your father's not bald.||No, no no. That skips a generation. The baldness gene comes from your grandfather.||Then I suppose the bosom gene comes from your grandmother.||You know, Frank can't be too comfortable with those things clanging around. He should wear something for support.||You mean like a bra?||A bra is for ladies. I'm talking about a support undergarment specifically designed for men.||Boy, that brain never stops working, does it?||I tell you, I'm gonna go noodle with this.||(indicating her shirt with her finger) Hey, we're twins.||(thinking she means the breasts) What!!||Our shirts. They're the same.||Oh, Huh, imagine that.||(to Jerry) What? What'd you say to the doorman?||What? Nothing.||(sitting beside Jerry) He claims that you followed him home, and started harassing him.||What has this guy got a personal vendetta with me?! What'd I do to him? 'Cos I asked him about the Knicks?||Hey, did you make the movie?||No.||You wanna go tonight? You can pick me up.||Alright. Can we go to a later show, so he's off his shift when I come by?||Ugh. So now we have to rearrange our lives to avoid the doorman?||Yes, we do.||What is wrong with George?||He's... trying to get something off his chest.||(agitated) Alright, I gotta try and talk my mother into taking him off my hands.||Help you?||(jumps in surprise) Hoh! What're you doing here? You're supposed to be gone.||I traded shifts with the night doorman. He had some personal affairs to attend to. You see, my fellow doorman and I watch out for each other. We don't stab each other in the back, like people in your world.||(trying to ease the tension) Look, I don't want any trouble. I don't have a doorman in my building. I guess I'm just not used to talking to them. I'd really just like to be friends.||You wanna be friends?||I'd like to be.||Then watch the door for a minute, would you?||What?||Yeah, I just wanna run and get a beer. I'll be back in a minute.||Wha...? Wai... wait a second. What do I do?||It's not brain surgery. You open the door for people who live here. And, if they don't live here, don't let them in. (takes off his hat) Here. (putting it on Jerry's head) Wear that.||Oh.||(to the man in the elevator) Hey, hey. Wait a second. Hey! Hello!||Hey, hey, wait a second. You live here?||(indignant) Of course I live here. I've lived here for twenty years. Now, if you don't let me in, I'm going to call the police and have you arrested.||(after the guy) You think you're better than me?||(indicating) You have to sign for it.||Oh, right.||(with a smile) Hey, how 'bout those Knicks, huh?||(dismissive) Yeah, yeah, yeah.||Hey. I uh, brought back your record player, huh.||Thank you, Kramer.||Yeah.||(indicating a chair) Put it over there.||So, how you feeling?||Tired.||Uh huh. Your back hurt?||How did you know?||Well, it's obvious, you know. You're carrying a lot of extra baggage up there.||(looks down, and indicates his chest) Up here?||Oh, yeah. Top floor. (sits beside Frank) Listen, Frank, have you ever considered wearing something for support? Now, look at this. (reaches into his pocket) Mind you, this is just a prototype.||You want me to wear a bra?!||No, no. A bra is for ladies.||Meet, the bro.||So, is your father excited about coming home?||George?||(broaching a subject) Hey mom. What kind of woman was grandma?||All of a sudden you're interested in your grandmother?||Well, you know. You get to a certain point, you wanna know about your roots.||She was a lovely woman.||Yuh. What about physically?||Physically?||Yeah, you know, what'd she uh, look like?||Well, you've seen pictures.||(to himself) You can't tell much from those pictures.||So what?||Was she uh, was she a big, uh woman?||Big? No, just my height.||Bosomy?||Bosomy? You wanna know if your grandmother was bosomy?!||(trying to laugh it off) No, I was just wondering. The information could be relevant.||Where do you get your genes from?!||(to himself) That's what I'd like to know.||I can't believe you left your post.||He left me there. You see the mind games?||(to one of the tenants) Hey, what's up? What's going on here?||Somebody stole the couch out of the lobby.||Where's the doorman? How come someone wasn't watching the door?||(quietly to Jerry) Jerry, let's get out of here.||Yeah.||(shocked) Oh, my god!||What were you doing watching the door anyway?||He asked me to. We were getting along.||(thinking) You know, my fingerprints are all over this. That doorman knows you're a friend of mine. He'll tell that co-op lady, she'll tell Mr. Pitt... Jerry, I'm in this too deep.||Don't you find it odd that as soon as he leaves, the couch gets stolen? Maybe he's setting me up!||(taking command) Alright, shut up. Shut up. Just let me think. I gotta think. We gotta get our story straight.||Alright, well what if we say...||Alright, (claps hands) here it is. This is what we'll tell 'em. You came to pick me up...||I came to pick you up.||Yeah. That's what I just said.||I know. I was just...||Yeah, I know what you were just. It's not helping.||Alright, well. Just, start again, then.||Okay, you came to pick me up at...||Right.||You see? Again.||What? I said right.||Alright, you came right upstairs, without talking to the doorman.||But the doorman's gonna say that I was there.||(intense) So what? No-one's gonna believe a doorman!||But I don't know if this is gonna work.||(aggressive, with finger pointing) Just stick with the story. We'll be fine. Let me do the talking!||Okay.||Good. Now fix me a drink.||How's that feel?||This feels very comfortable.||You see?||I feel ten years younger.||Yeah, and your posture's a lot better. Look at you.||And I can breathe easier, too.||I told you! Now, Frank, listen. Here's what I'm thinking. Now, you have a friend in the bra business, right?||Of course. Sid Farkus. He's the best in the business.||(claps his hands) Here's our chance. What d'you say? It'll be me, you and the bro, bro.||Let's do it!||Except, we gotta do something about the name.||Why, what's wrong with bro?||No, bro's no good. Too ethnic.||Alright, you got something better?||How 'bout uh... the mansiere?||Mansiere?||That's right. A brassiere for a man. The mansiere, get it?||(upset) Well, you've scared her off. We may never see mom again.||Hey George, what d'you like better? The bro, or the mansiere?||Dad. We need to talk.||I had to use the bathroom, so I asked this guy to watch the door for a few minutes.||Why should I believe you?||(indicating Elaine) Actually, it was her friend.||I was just speaking to the doorman here, about the couch robbery.||Oh really? (skeptical) The doorman. And, pray tell, what did the doorman say?||He said he asked a friend of yours to watch the door.||(dismissive) Oh, my. Well, the doorman certainly has a wild imagination, doesn't he?||Well... what do we have here? Perhaps Miss Benes could explain why a Jerry Seinfeld signed for this package (handing the package to Mrs. Payton) at the exact same time the couch was stolen.||(in a rush) He never watched a door before, Mrs Payton, he didn't know how to do it. (pleading) You know, he's a comedian, Mrs Payton, they don't know how to do anything.||(desperate) Don't you see what's going on here? He set us up. He's playing all these mindgames.||You're saying I'm responsible for the couch?||(worked up) There was nothing I could do. He said he had a Federal Express slip with your signature on it.||(livid) Diabolical. He thought of everything. He was setting me up from day one!||Is it possible we were victims of a sting?||I'm sure he's having a good laugh over this with his doorman buddies.||So, you didn't even (indistinct) watch the couch?||No. I was just messing with his head.||And they think they're better than us?||Anyway, Jerry... Jerry?||We have to replace the couch.||Now we have to buy a new couch?!||(crafty) Not necessarily. Why don't you take back the couch you gave me?||The one with the Poppie stain?!||Yeah, sure. (big smile) Then my father will have no place to sleep. (snaps fingers) He's gotta move out.||But it's got a pee-stain on it.||No, the cushion's turned over.||(not sure) I guess.||(enthusiastic) Yeah. You get a couch. I get rid of my father. It couldn't be more perfect!||Now, it's called the bro.||Or, the mansiere.||Yeah, but I prefer the bro.||I like mansiere.||Well, I have to tell you, it's a very interesting idea.||Yeah.||You know, selling bras exclusively to women, we're really only utilising fifty percent of the market.||(to Kramer) That's what we figured, huh?||(to Frank) I told you.||And, to be perfectly frank, I've always felt I could use some support. I know, when I'm wearing Banlon, there appears to be some jiggling.||(vehement) I wouldn't be caught dead in Banlon.||(indicating the bro) So uh, what d'you see in the back? Hooks? Velcro? What?||Uh.||Definitely velcro.||Say you're getting intimate with a woman uh, you don't want her fumbling and struggling back there.||I think we've all experienced that.||Summer nights.||(pointing at Farkus) Very funny.||Well, I still have to talk about this to Mr. Degrunmont...||Of course, yes.||...But, barring any unforeseen developments, gentlemen, I think we're sitting on a winner.||(sympathy) Frank, I wanna tell you how sorry I am to hear about you and Estelle separating.||Oh, thank you, Sid, but that's all in the past. I'm ready to move on.||(thoughtful) I've always been very fond of Estelle. Beautiful woman. I uh, I hope you don't think uh, this is out of line, but would it be okay with you, if I were to ask her out?||(anger) You wanna go out with my wife?! (rage) Where do you get the nerve to ask me something like that?!||Oh, no, Frank, I was just saying...||I know what you're saying, and I know what you're thinking!!||No, Frank...||C'mon, Cosmo, I'm not doing business with this guy.||Frank!||Jerry took the couch back.||He took it back? Didn't you tell him I was using it?||Oh, I pleaded with him.||Where am I supposed to sleep?||Well, I took the liberty of packing your things. (gleeful) Mom's coming to get you.||I thought Jerry didn't want that couch, because of the stain?||What stain?||Oh, you didn't notice? It has a pee-stain.||(disbelief) You had me sleeping on a pee-stained couch?||(light) No. No, no, no. The cushion was turned over.||(anger) But, the very idea. you had me lying in urine!!||Ah! There's mom, there's mom.||Is it safe to come in?||Oh, of course. (motioning Estelle to enter) Of course.||You're not having any of your transvestite parties?||Will you stop it?||(to Kramer) I lived with him for forty years, I never saw him trying on my underwear. As soon as he leaves the house, he turns into J. Edgar Hoover!||Here, Cosmo...||Oh, hey.||...You can have the hi-fi. (hands it over) I don't need it now...||Awright, I got it.||...I got one at home.||Alright, let's go.||We'll go out for dinner tonight.||I can't tonight, I'm busy.||What d'you mean, busy?||I'm having dinner with someone.||With whom?||Sid Farkus.||(anger) Sid Farkus?! You're not having dinner with a bra salesman.||Hey, he only sells them. He doesn't wear 'em.||Okay, that's it! I'm not coming home!||(upset) But you can't stay here. There's no place to sleep!||We'll work something out.||Stop him! Ja, ja, ja, it's him!||Stop that man! It's him.||Somebody, stop him! Please, quick. Stop, it's him. I know, I know. Help. Stop him.||Hey, hey. (pointing) That record player is not yours.||Now, look. Somebody gave it to me.||You're a thief. We have proof.||What is that?||The first upper-body support undergarment, specifically designed for men.||How does it connect in the back? With a hook?||Oh, no, no. (demonstrates) Here, velcro.||(to the portly German) Ooh, (indistinct German) ...keine problem, ah?||Is gut, ja?||Well, I suppose it'll have to do.||It's a beautiful couch.||It's hardly been used.||Poppie!||Oh, hello, Jerry.||What're you doing here?||Visiting my friend.||Ohh. Hey, how you feeling?||Oh, much better, much better. The doctors say I cannot have no aggravation.||Hmm.||So, I sell the restaurant, uh? I just take it easy. See, if I get excited, 'ats aggravated my condition. The last time I got aggravated, was in the restaurant. With your friend.||She start the big fight, about abortion.||It's you! It's you!||Wha...?||You! I... I gotta sit down!||No, Poppie! No!!||Kasha?||No. Thanks, dad.|
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