||Jerry and Elaine are outside, heading towards the apartment building]
||I hear you're going out with David Putty.
||Yeah. What, is it a problem?
||Well, I think he could've asked me. Supposed to be a friend of mine.
||Well, I guess he figured you just wouldn't care. It *has* been a few years.
||Elaine, you always care who an ex-girlfriend dates. You don't want it to be someone you know, and you don't want it to be someone better than you. Now, even though the latter is *obviously* impossible.
||The former still applies. I don't know what it is, but I just can't see you with a mechanic.
||Oh, yeah. Right, right. Well, all those mechanics do is work all day with their hands and their *big*, *muscular* arms on machines, and then they come home dripping with animal sexuality like Stanley Kowalski. What a huge turn-off that is.
||Look at that. They got lobster on the menu. Who would order a lobster here. I mean, do they bring a lobster in everyday hoping *todays* the day.
||So what if they have a lobster. Suddenly you're a shell-fish connoisseur.
||You know, I think we really need to be in front of a television set. You take T.V. out of this relationship, it is *just* torture.
||So, I'm getting an eye job.
||An eye job? Ma, you don't need an eye job.
||Georgie, I'm a divorcee.
||No, you're not a divorcee. Youre just separated. You're---you're a separatee.
||Well, I'm out there, George.
||No, you're not out there.
||I am, too!
||You're not out there! You can't be, because *I* am out there. And if I see *you* out there, there's not enough voltage in this world to electroshock me back into coherence!
||Well, anyway, the operation is on Tuesday and I need you to drive me home because I'll be all drugged up.
||Tuesday? I can't do it Tuesday. Steinbrenner needs me to run---
||This is the only time the doctor *has*.
||Kramer, hey, hey! (Gets up out of his seat)
||Hi, little buddy.
||Come on over and sit down.
||Hey, listen, I gotta go somewhere.
||No, you're gonna sit down, you son of a gun...
||All right, I'm sitting down. How are you? (Kisses Estelle on the cheek)
||So, Kramer. I'm getting an eye job.
||Oh, yeah, good for you. Hey, you have to look your best. You're out there now.
||She's not out there!
||So, who is your doctor?
||(whistles). He's good. He's *very* good. He worked on this kid from Guatemala with no nose. Turned him into Ricardo Montalban.
||Hey, Kramer, what are you doing Tuesday?
||Why doesn't *he* pick you up after the operation. He's got the car with the bench seats that you like.
||Oh, I don't care.
||Yeah, I know, but I can't drive anybody anywhere until I go down to the motor vehicle bureau and get my new plates.
||Yeah, I'm here to pick up my new plates. My name is Kramer. Cosmo Kramer.
||Kramer.... (checks computer) All right...
||Sign right here, please. (hands over clipboard)
||(signs it) Okay. (The clerk hands him a manila envelope). Thanks. (opens up the envelope) Assman? Oh, no, these don't belong to me. I'm not the Assman. I think there's been a mistake.
||What's your name again?
||(checks computer again) Cosmo Kramer. You *are* the Assman.
||No! I'm not the Assman.
||Well, as far as the state of New York is concerned, you are.
||How do you feel?
||Something the matter?
||Then what is it?
||I was with David *Putty* last night.
||He did the move.
||You know...*the* move.
||Wait a second. *My* move?
||David Putty used *my* move?
||Are you sure?
||Jerry! There is no confusing *that* move with any other move.
||I can't believe it. He *stole* my move.
||What else did you tell (reaches over to slap Jerry) him. (does it again) The two of you must have had *quite* a little chat!
||Oh, it wasn't like that! I didn't even mention you. You know, we were in the garage. You know how garages are. They're conducive to sex talk. It's a high-testosterone area.
||Because of all the pistons and the lube jobs?
||Well, I'm going down to that garage and telling him to stop doing it.
||Well, wait---wait a second.
||Isn't that a little...rash?
||No! He stole my move!
||Yeah, but...*I* like the move.
||Yeah, but it's like another comedian stealing my material.
||Well, he doesn't even do it exactly the same. He--he--he uses a pinch at the end instead of the *swirl*!
||Oh, yeah. The pinch. *I've* done the pinch. That's not new. Besides which, I don't know how you could trust any of his moves now. His whole *repertoire* could be lifted.
||You know, it's strange, because he's such an honest mechanic.
||I know, he's probably the only honest mechanic in New York.
||...so he stole my move and he's using it on Elaine.
||You told David Putty your move and you didn't tell *me*? I *need* a move. You know I have no moves, Jerry. (points to the candy bar) Gimme a bite.
||Can I just get it opened first?
||I can't believe you're hoarding sex moves. I'm out there rubbing two sticks together. You walk around with a zippo.
||All right, all right. Here. (hands George a piece of the candy bar).
||(takes a bite) Oh, that's good. That's very good.
||You feel better?
||Yeah, much better. All right, so what's the move, because I need *something*. This woman I'm dating, it's like she's doing her nails during love-making.
||Yeah. Never seen anyone so bored. I'm working like a dog here. Give me a moan. *Something*. I'd settle for a belch, for god's sake. All right, come on, let's have it.
||All right, George. I'm gonna tell you. But I just wanna make sure, before---
||Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's in the vault. I'm putting it in the vault.
||It's not even a question of that. The point is when something like this is passed along, one must be certain that it's going to be used in a *conscientious* way. This is not some parlor trick to be used---
||You're gonna tell me...or not.
||All right. On your bed. You got a headboard? You'll need a headboard.
||I got a headboard.
||Is it padded?
||Good. How tall is she?
||Five-foot four. Why?
||You can't have more than a one-foot differential in your heights. Otherwise, you could really hurt your neck.
||I can't tell ya how much I appreciate this.
||George, if you could master this, you'll never be alone again.
||Jerry and George have just walked in, still conversing on the same subject]
||Now, the ending is kind of an option. I use the swirl. I like the swirl. I'm comfortable with the swirl. *I* feel the swirl is a great capper. He uses the pinch, which I find a little presumptuous.
||Is it a clockwise swirl?
||I prefer clockwise, but it's not written in stone.
||Here you go, buddy. (shows it to Jerry).
||What is it?
||*Fusilli* Jerry! It's made from Fusilli pasta. See the microphone?
||When did you do this?
||In my spare time. (turns to George). You know, I'm working on one of you, George. I'm using ravioli. See, the hard part is to find a pasta that captures the individual.
||Oh... Why Fusilli?
||Because *you're* silly. Get it? (hands the Fusilli to Jerry) Yeah...
||Well, thank you very much.
||So, did you get your new plates?
||Oh...yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their *vanity* plates.
||What do they say?
||Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!
||Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"?
||Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's.
||It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be just some guy with a big ass.
||Yeah, or it could be a proctologist.
||Come on! No doctor would put that on his car.
||Have you ever *met* a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. *Plant* yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they *stuck* something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one."
||Oh! There's my phone. (He leaves)
||So, where you gonna stick this (points to the Fusilli Jerry)
||I'll tell you where I'd like to stick it.
||Oh, hi, Jerry.
||Hey, what's the story? I hear you're doing my move.
||What move? *My* move. The one I told you about. You used it on Elaine.
||You're move? What, are you kidding? I was doing that before I knew you. All you told me about was the ending.
||The ending is the whole thing. Without the ending, it's nothing. You had *nothing*.
||Oh, that ending was *so* obvious. I would have figured it out anyway. I didn't need you to tell me that stupid twist.
||Whatever. I don't even do it.
||Oh, yeah, I know. You do the *pinch*.
||Yeah, that's right.
||You can't come up with your own stuff , so you *steal* other peoples? You're nothing but a hack.
||Are you through, 'cuz, uh, I gotta get back to work.
||Well, I'll tell you what I'll do, you know. If you wanna do it out of town...okay. But not in the city.
||All right, how about the next time your car breaks down, you take *that* out of town.
||Ow, George! (crawls out from beneath the covers) What are you doing?
||(pops his head out of the covers, looking a bit confused) Uh...you know, uh...pleasuring you.
||Well, stop it!
||You don't like the move?
||No. I don't.
||No, I'm not. It feels like aliens poking at my body.
||Sorry. I'll just go back to my usual routine.
||Oh, god! Oh, god, Dave! Oh, yes! Yes!
||No, I'm sorry.
||I can't do the move.
||Oh, he's ruined it for me.
||Oh, oh, come on, please?
||No, he called me a hack. I'm just not into doing it anymore.
||Oh, so---so that's it?
||I'll come up with some new stuff.
||"Call me. Thirty-six, twenty-four, forty-six. I think I have what you're looking for." (Pleased by the note, Kramer stumbles into his car).
||I must caution you about one thing. You can't cry for at least ten day. You can ruin the operation.
||Now, is someone coming to pick you up?
||Yes, my son's friend should be here any minute.
||Can I help you?
||Ah, yeah. Doctor Cosmo Kramer. (points to plate) Proctology.
||Oh, oh, okay. Sure...
||Thanks. Have a good day.
||I just can't get over how fantastic you look.
||Oh, yeah. This takes twenty years off.
||And it was all done by laser. I don't even need bandages.
||Did he say "Assman"?
||Oh my goodness.
||"Hey, the Assman's in town!")
||You got that straight!
||Boy. I never dreamed it could make such a difference.
||You must have done *something* wrong. You probably screwed up the order. Did you close with the swirl?
||Supposed to close with the swirl?
||Oh my god. Yes, you close with the swirl. There's a progression there. I told you to write it down.
||Yeah, yeah, should've written it down.
||C'mon up. (turns to George) You know what? Do me a favor. Don't even do the move anymore. You're gonna give it a bad name.
||Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. What? Twenty-eight hundred dollars?!! That's the estimate on my car?!! No, don't even do anything. I'm gonna think about it. Okay, bye.
||What's to think about? If Putty says it's what it is, it's what it is. He's not gonna cheat you.
||Except that it's not Putty.
||What happened to Putty?
||Eh, we had a little fight about the move. I took her to this other place. I think they might be trying to screw me.
||Well, of course they're trying to screw you. What do you think? That's what they do. They can make up anything. Nobody knows. "By the way, you need a new Johnson rod in there." "Oh, a Johnson rod. Yeah, well, you better put one of those on."
||Yeah, yeah, hello.
||Is it something I said?
||Yes! As a matter of fact! David Putty won't do the move anymore.
||Oh, he's come up with some other move. You should see this thing.
||What is it?
||Oh, it's a lot of just fancy-shmancy stuff. You know what it's like? It's like a big budget movie with a story that goes *nowhere*.
||I mean, this move is no good, Jerry. It's just taking up a lot of my time. And I...will not stand by and allow him to perform this move on me, when a perfectly good move is just sitting in the barn doing nothing!
||Let me ask you a question. This new move. Is there a knuckle involved in any way?
||Yes. As a matter of fact, there is.
||I think that's mine.
||I'm not surprised.
||Listen. I need you to do me a favor. When's the next time you're gonna see him?
||You gotta get an estimate on my car from him. I think this garage is trying to screw me.
||An estimate? How am I supposed to do that?
||Well, look. Here's the work order with everything that broke. Just kind of bring it up at the right time and find out. (hands Elaine the work order)
||(takes the work order and points to the Fusilli Jerry sitting on the table) What? What is this?
||That's, uh, Fusilli Jerry.
||Yeah. Kramer made it.
||All right, listen, I'll see you guys later.
||Hey, well, this is Sally.
||Shall we go?
||Okay. (turns around and walks out with an exaggerated swing of her hips)
||You can't face the fact that I'm improving myself.
||You're not the only one improving yourself. I worked out with a dumbbell yesterday. I feel *vigorous*.
||Just take your mail and go home. I have things to do.
||I got things to do, too.
||Don't upset me! I can't cry!
||Getting an eye job like some Manhattanite, huh?
||Well, it's already working. Kramer made a pass at me.
||Kramer made a pass at you? You're crazy.
||I'm not crazy. He stopped short and made a grab.
||He stopped short? That's my move. I'm gonna kill him!
||Hey, let me ask you a question.
||What do you charge for blown shocks?
||Two, three hundred?
||I don't know. Maybe five hundred.
||What about a bad gasket?
||Yeah. Like a terrible gasket.
||What is all this?
||Nothing, nothing. I'm just taking an interest in what you...do.
||What kind of car is it?
||Oh...any kind of---of a Swedish car.
||All together, that could run about sixteen hundred.
||Is that with the parts and labor?
||Oh, no. No, David. No, please. Not the knuckle....
||Wow. That was...*great*. I mean...*wow*.
||It just came to me.
||I---I've never in my life have---have I---. What was that?
||You mean in the end?
||A counter-clockwise swirl.
||On---on your hand? Let me see what's on your hand.
||Nothing. I don't know...just a little dirt.
||Give me that. (grabs his hand) I wanna see what's on your hand.
||Number one. Take her leg.... Oh, my god! Crib notes? You've got crib notes?!!
||It's a very complicated move! I couldn't remember it all.
||Oh, my god, you're sick. (gets out of bed)
||You know, it's not the S.A.T.s!
||Assman? I'll get him, Assman!
||Sixteen hundred dollars? That's all? *Ooh*, they are ripping me off.
||So what are you going to do?
||Well, that's it. I'm going back to Putty. No move is worth this.
||Oh! You mean you don't care if he does the move anymore?
||Are you kidding? He can do every move I've ever done! Do you know what a good mechanic is worth? You can't compare that to sex.
||Hi, Mr. Constanza. What's uh...?
||Where's your friend Kramer?
||I don't know. Why?
||Because I'm looking for him. That's why. He stopped short.
||What do you mean?
||In a car, with my wife. He stopped short. You think I don't know what that's about? That's my old move! I used it on Estelle forty years ago! I told everybody about it! Everybody knows! (Demonstrates) Hmmph! I stopped short.
||Really, stopping short. That's a good move.
||You're not kidding it's a good move!
||Don't Frank me! I know what you did. How dare you stop short with my wife!
||C'mon, Frank, relax. I don't even know what you're talking about.
||You think I don't know, Assman?!! To think I almost split the profits on the Manssierre with you.
||Oh, my god!
||If I wasn't there, I wouldn't have believed it.
||They say this guy's the best.
||He had to use cork-screw pasta.
||Jerry. Jerry, come here. Take a look at this.
||The name on the boat. Look at it.
||Yeah (points towards the doctor's office), he's the Assman! Jerry, *he's* the Assman!
||Which one is the son?
||(stands up) I am.
||Ah. I'm Doctor Cooperman. I just want you to know that this won't take long. And he's going to be fine.
||Yeah, excuse me, uh... You didn't by any chance recently get the wrong license plates?
||Yes. I'm still waiting for the motor vehicle bureau to straighten it out.
||So...you're the Assman.
||It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one.
||Where have you been?!! You were supposed to fix the stove! I've been waiting for hours!
||I fell on some Fusilli.
||You know, the corkscrew pasta. It was a Fusilli Jerry. It got stuck in me. Had to go to the proctologist.
||The proctologist? Are you okay?
||Oh, I was so worried. (grabs a couple of tissues from the box)
||Ma, don't cry!
||Oh, I can't help it!
||Ma, your eyes!