||Hey, good news. My dog problem has been solved.
||Really? What happened?
||Well, there's this rabbi in my building. You've met him. Very nice man.
||Isn't he the one with the show on cable?
||Yea, yeah, yeah,. So I spoke to him about the dog. He went down. Talked to the owner. She agr4eed to keep the dog inside from now on.
||That looks pretty good.
||Hey, say, you know, we haven't even discussed George's engagement yet.
||What's to discuss?
||Come on! GEORGE is getting married!
||Is he happy?
||is coming from the bathroom to sit with his bride-to-be.]
||I will never understand the bathrooms in this country. Why is it that the doors on the stalls do not come all the way down to the floor?
||Well, maybe it's so you can see if there's someone in there.
||Isn't that why we have locks on the doors?
||Well, as a backup system, in case the lock is broken, you can see if it's taken.
||A backup system? We're designing bathroom doors with our legs exposed in anticipation of the locks not working? That's not a system. That's a complete breakdown of the system.
||Can we change the subject, please?
||Why? What's wrong with the subject? This is a bad subject?
||No, fine. If you wanna keep talking about it, we'll talk about it.
||It's not that I want to keep talking about it? just think that the subject should resolve itself based on its own momentum.
||Well, I didn't think that it had any momentum.
||(To himself) How am I gonna do this? I'm engaged to this woman? She doesn't even like me. Change the subject? Toilets were the subject. We don't even share the same interests.
||Yeah, he seems pretty happy.
||Well, that's all that counts, I guess.
||What's the matter?
||Well, you don't seem too enthused about the whole thing.
||Well, what do you want me to do?
||Well, at least have some reaction to it.
||Well, I don't.
||Maybe you're a little jealous.
||Oh, what? You think I wanna marry George?
||No! But maybe you wish it was you who was getting married, not him.
||Oh, please! That is the last thing that I want.
||Oh, yeah. Right.
||You don't wanna get married?
||Yeah, that's right. I don't wanna get married.
||Oh, come on!
||Oh, you come on.
||Elaine, listen, I was talking to a friend about this dog business. Do you realize this is gonna be on our permanent records? Are you aware of this?
||It can never be erased. It'll follow us wherever we go for the rest of our lives. I'll never be able to get a job. I mean, doesn't that concern you? Everything I've worked for...down the drain because of one stupid mistake. I mean, aren't we entitled to make one mistake in our lives, Jerry?
||We're gonna change the system.
||Well, I could care less. I hope it is on our record. I'm just sorry they didn't lock me up.
||Oh, hello, Rabbi Krischma.
||ELAINE! Always a pleasure to see you.
||Thanks again for taking care of that dog for us.
||Elaine, often times in life there are problems, and just as often there are solutions.
||Yeah, I suppose.
||Elaine, you don't seem yourself today. You seem, if I may say, troubled.
||No, Rabbi, I'm not myself.
||Come upstairs. We'll have a talk.
||I want your honest opinion about something.
||Have I ever been less than forthright?
||No, you haven't. Well, maybe you have. What do I know.
||Yeah, I probably have. Yeah, of course I have. What am I talking about?
||All right. Okay, tell me what you think about this idea Extend the doors on the toilet stalls at Yankee Stadium all the way to the floor.
||Extend the doors on the toilet stalls at Yankee Stadium to the floor ...door comes down. Hides your feet. Yes. I like it. I like it a lot.
||It's good, right?
||I think it's fantastic. I think it's a fantastic idea.
||Yes, I do.
||Well, I told it to Susan before, and she didn't like it.
||Yeah. Not only that, this is what she said to me, "Can we change the subject?"
||See, now that I don't care for.
||Right. I mean, we're on a subject. Why does it have to be changed?
||It should resolve of its own volition.
||That's exactly what I said, except I used the word "momentum".
||Momentum - same thing.
||Same thing. My god, I'm getting married in December, do you know that?
||Yeah, I know.
||Well, I don't see how I'm gonna make December. I mean, I need a little more time. I mean, look at me I'm a nervous wreck. My stomach aches. My neck is killing me. I can't turn. Look. Look.
||Nah, it's not a good turn. December. December. Don't you think we should have a little more time just to get to know each other a little.
||If you need more time, you should have more time.
||What, you think I could postpone it?
||Sure you can. Why not?
||That's allowed? You're allowed to postpone it?
||I don't see why not.
||So, I could do that?
||Sure, go ahead.
||All right! All right. I'll tell you what. How about this? Got the date; March 21st, the first day of spring.
||Spring. Of course.
||Huh? You know? Spring. Rejuvenation. Rebirth. Everything's blooming. All that crap.
||She's not gonna like it.
||No, she's not.
||You know, I think I'm a little bit scared of her. She's five-three, like a hundred pounds. I'm frightened to death of her.
||Well, she's a woman. They don't like to be disappointed.
||Especially her. She does not like disappointment. Well, I have to do it. I can't make December. There's no way I can make December. Right? I mean, you can see that, right? I mean, look at me. Look. Look. Can I make December? I can't make December. Right? Look. Look.
||Yeah, you'd better shoot for March.
||March 21st. Hey! So, you're gonna back me on this, right?
||Oh, all the way.
||You are a good friend. You know what? Even if you killed somebody I wouldn't turn you in.
||Is that so?
||Hey, Kramer if I killed somebody would you turn me in?
||No, no, I would turn you in.
||You would turn me in?
||Phwap, I wouldn't even think about it.
||I can't believe your a friend of mine.
||What kind of person are you going around killing people?
||Well, I am sure I had a good reason.
||Well,, if you'll kill this person, who's to say I wouldn't be next?
||But you know me!
||I thought I DID!
||I'm not a very religious person but I do feel as if I'm in need of some guidance here.
||Would you care for a snack of some kind? I have the Snackwells which are very popular but I think that sometimes with the so called fat free cookies people may overindulge forgetting they may be high in calories
||Thank you I am not very hungry. Anyway, um, this friend of mine, George, got engaged .
||Yeah, yeah, well, for some reason, um, I just find myself just overcome with feelings of jealousy and resentment.
||Doesn't it give you any joy to see your friend enter into this holiest of unions?
||No, no, no it doesn't. No joy no joy whatsoever. Just the whole think makes me . . sick.
||You know, Elaine, very often we cannot see the forest for the trees.
||Yeah, I don't know what that means.
||Well, for example, say there's a forest, . . .
||You see the thing is we It should have been me. You know, I'm smart. I'm attractive.
||You know my temple has many single functions.
||No, no, it's okay.
||My nephew Alex is someone who is also looking perhaps
||I don't think so.
||He owns a flower store. Very successful.
||So you're nothing but a stoolie. Admit it.
||Hey, don't do the crime if you can't do the time.
||Another Caf Latte?
||You better believe it.
||Since when are you so trendy?
||Hey, baby. I set the trends. Who do you think started this whole Caf Latte?
||I don't recall you drinking Caf Latte.
||I've been drinking Caf Latte since the fifth grade and I haven't looked back.
||Hey, Planet 9 From Outer Space is playing tomorrow night. One show only.
||I've always wanted to see this.
||You know I was supposed to see this five years ago. I was in a Chinese restaurant with George and Elaine and got all screwed up trying to get a table and I missed it.
||Well, yeah, lets do it uh?
||Look at this Jerry, dropping paper on the ground. That's littering.
||Maybe you better call the cops and turn me in.
||Maybe I will.
||How was your day?
||Good, good day. How was your day?
||Mine was okay. So what's goin' on?
||Oh, nothin' much. I went over to jerry's, uh, talked to Jerry.
||Oh, the Lowers want to get together with us on Friday night.
||The Lowers, really?
||You don't want to go?
||No, I want to go.
||So what did Jerry have to say?
||Oh, nothin' much, . . . talkin'. . . . Oh, oh, oh, did I have an unbelievable idea today!
||Oh, yeah, the toilets. You told me.
||Yeah, ha ha, It's not the toilets, it's not the toilets. It's something else. Are you ready for this?
||Okay, how about this? All right, we get married March 21st, the first day of Spring.
||What do you mean? You want to postpone the wedding?
||No, no no it's not about postponing. I just think the first day of Spring is the perfect day to get married. You know, Spring! Rejuvenation! Rebirth! Everything is blooming all the
||If you don't want to marry me, George, just say so. (crying) Say so.
||Still marry , still marry.
||You don't love me.
||Sstill love. Still love.
||My parents told me you were too neurotic and that I was making a mistake.
||No no no, no mistake, no mistake. No, no , listen, we're going to get married over Christmas, I It doesn't make any difference to me. It's fine. Really.
||Are you sure?
||Yeah, yeah, sure, Christmas. Snow. Santa. All that stuff.
||Let me take a guess. She cried and you caved.
||How did you know that?
||I live and breath my friend. . . . I live and breath.
||I got to tell you I felt terrible. I really thought she was going to collapse and kill herself.
||tes, it's very difficult. Few men have the constitution for it. That's why breakups take two or three tries. You gotta build up your immunity.
||You see those tears streaming down you don't know what to do. It was like she was on fire and I was trying to put her out.
||Well, at least you probably had some, uh, pretty good make-up sex after.
||I didn't have any sex.
||You didn't have make-up sex? How could you not have make-up sex? I mean that's the best feature of the heavy relationship.
||I didn't have make-up sex.
||In your situation the only sex you're going to have better than make-up sex is if you're dent to prison and you have a conjugal visit.
||Yeah, conjugal visit sex. That is happening!
||I can tell you're very upset but I'm sorry I'm not goin'
||Did you here that? I can't believe this he's eating his sandwich.
||Are you going to eat thoise fries?
||This is amazing. (George gets up to leave and shake's man's hand) Thank you. Thank you very much. . . . I'm going back in! . . . You'll feel better (to woman)
||. . . Poor bastard.
||Good evening, Rabbi.
||Good evening. And how does this evening find you?
||Well, Rabbi, well.
||I trust you are here to see your friend, Elaine.
||Yeah, that's right.
||I hope she's feeling better.
||What do you mean?
||She didn't tell you?
||Well it seems the engagement of her ffriend George has left her feeling bitter and hostile.
||is that so?
||Yes, in fact she told me that she wishes she was the one getting married.
||She came off as pretty desperate.
||I didn't know any of this.
||Apparently she doesn't think much of this George fellow either. I recall the word loser peppered throughout her conversation.
||Hum, well it all comes as news to me.
||Hi, how was your day?
||Good, good day. How was your day?
||Ah, it was okay. What's going on?
||Oh, nothing much. You know, I went over to Jerry's. Talked to Jerry. Um, could I talk to you for a minute?
||You see this is the thing. . . . (crying) I just feel . . . mumble, cry, mumble, . . . I'm scared. You and I together, (cry)
||George, of course, of course it can wait until march if that is what you want.
||Oh, don't worry your head. Of course.
||All right. (smiles behind her back)
||I've got that magazine article for you.
||You iknow I talked to the rabbi outside.
||Understand you had a little talk with him too.
||Yeah, talked earlier.
||Yes I know, I know.
||. . . What does that mean?
||He didn't mention . . .
||Yes he did.
||He told you about our conversation?
||We had quite a little chat.
||He told you about . . .
||Yes, about how you're very jealous of George. How you wished it was you who were getting married instead of him.
||He told you all that? How could he?
||It didn't take much prodding either, I must say.
||Can he do that?
||He did it.
||But he's a Rabbi! How can a Rabbi have such a big mouth?
||That's what's so fascinating.
||You better finish your little caf latte there. They won't let you in with it.
||Because they don't allow outside drinks into the movie.
||Well that's stupid
||That's the rule.
||Well, we'll just see if we can't get around that.
||Oh, Elaine. Come in. Come in. So nice to see you again.
||Can I offere you some Kasha Varnishkas?
||No, no. Listen, Rabbi, I'd like to ask you a question. Why, why did you tell my friend Jerry what I talked to you about?
||Was that a problem for you?
||Of course it was a problem for me. . . . You didn't, you didn't tell anyone else about this, did you?
||Well, let's see? I seem to recall a conversation with Mrs. Winston in 1F.
||Yes, we were waiting for our mail to arrive and I happened to mention to her how you felt that it was never going "to happen" for you.
||What about Don Ramsey? You didn't mention anything to him did you?
||You know that tall really good looking guy, he lives on the fifth floor.
||Oh him! Well this morning I found myself in the elevator with him
||my god, you didn't.
||Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me
||Oh, yow, oow Ah!
||Hey, hey, what's going on? What just happened here?
||Whatya got? One of those Caf Latte's in your shirt?
||I don't have anything. Ask him.
||All right, come on Coffee Boy, bring it out.
||Here you go.
||But the whole thing is a mess. He told everyone in the building. I met that cute guy on the fifth floor. I mean he could barely bring himself to nod.
||Elaine, if I could say a word here about Jewish people. That man in no way represents our ability to take in a nice piece of juicy gossip and keep it to ourselves.
||You didn't say this to George, did you?
||No, . . . about how you wish it was YOU who was getting married instead of him? Feelings of resentment, hostility?
||Yeah that! So, . . .
||GEORGIE! CONGRATULATIONS! Oh, my god. I haven't seen you since it happened. I'm so happy for you.
||Alright, thanks a lot.
||Oh, come on. You really, really deserve it.
||Oh, deserve! I don't know if I deserve...I mean...
||Are you kidding? I have seen the changes in you the past couple of years. Man, you have grown. You've matured.
||Well, I guess I'm getting older.
||Oh! Well, I just think it's wonderful. Honestly! I've gotta run, but um, please, please give my best to Susan.
||My most, just heartfelt congratulations.
||Yeah. Thanks. Hey, listen, if you ever get a date, maybe the four of us could go out together sometime.
||Yes! Yes, yes. Sure.
||Wait, as a matter of fact, wasn't there some guy in your building that you said you liked? He lived up on the fifth floor or something.
||Yes. Yes, yes. Yes.
||Yeah! Boy, she is something, isn't she?
||Yeah, she's something else. Hey, so what happened? Did you hold your ground or...uh
||Nope. I wept like a baby.
||Well, I started to tell her and then all of the sudden, for some reason, I just burst into tears.
||I bawled uncontrollably. I just poured my guts out. And I'll tell you, Jerry, it was incredible. I never realized how powerful these tears are. I could have postponed it another five years if I wanted to.
||Sorry about that movie-thing. I was joking around.
||Sorry? Are you kidding? You did me the biggest favor of my life. I spoke to a lawyer, we're suing for millions.
||Suing? What for?
||The coffee was too hot.
||It's supposed to be hot.
||Not THAT hot.
||(On TV) The prophet Isaah tells us without friends our lives are empty and meaningless.
||Wait. Whoa! That's the Rabbi from Elaine's building. I just met this guy the other day.
||A young lady I know, let's call her Elaine, happened to find herself overwhelmed with feelings of resentment and hostility for her friend, let's call him George. She felt that George was somewhat of a loser and that she was the one who deserved to be married first. She also happened to mention to me that her friend had wondered if going to a prostitute while you're engaged is considered cheating. His feeling was they're never going to see each other again so what's the difference. But that is a subject for another sermon. Now, I'd like to close with a psalm.