||Hi.. May I help you?
||Yes, we'd like some wedding invitations.
||(happily) Thank you.
||(mildly embarrassed) yeah.. Thank you.
||When 's the wedding?
||Oh! Well, we have quite a few to pick from ( turns around and picks up a huge binder) They're arranged in order of price , the most expensive are in the front.
||He..hmmm. humm...What about this one.
||Hmmm,..to tell you the truth they haven't manufactured that one for a number of years. I might have couple of boxes left in our warehouse in New Jersey. I'd have to check.
||Oh! no. George that's so ugly we don't want that.
||What's the difference you just read it and mail it right back. These we'll do.
||Why don't they make'em anymore?
||Well.. For one thing the glue isn't very adhesive. It takes a lot of moisture to make them stick.
||So we pick up some (word missing)
||(disappointed)All right. You see what I do for you.
||No. No It's Lily
||I think I know my own name.
||(lost for words) Well you look like a Lily...
||It's coming Jerry, it's coming.
||We ordered the wedding invitations today,, Nothing can stop it now. Nothing. It's here! It's happening. Can I do this? I can't do this...Look at me. Look at me I can't do this, I can't do this (manic) Help me Jerry, help me.
||why don't you just break it off with her. tell her it's over
||All right take it easy, just take it easy.
||What about a letter?
||I...I...write a letter and then I..I go to China. I disappear in a sea of people for like six months, a year you know just while things simmer down. Ehm.. Ehm...Dear Susan. I'm sorry. I made a terrible mistake. I'm really , really sorry.
||What? Too short?
||Seems a little short, yeah..
||You can't go to China What about your job?
||So write a letter.. move to another...move to Staten Island., 'lot easier to blend in a sea of people in Staten Island than China believe me.
||Yeah! Yeah!..Staten Island . What about my clothes ,how do I get the rest of the clothes?
||Aagh! You come back for your clothes
||I'm not going back in there.
||So forget about your clothes.
||Well I'm not starting up a whole new wardrobe now!!!
||Look, freedom with no clothes is a lot better than no freedom with clothes.
||If she'd just take a plane somewhere.
||And what, hope for a crash?
||You know what the odds are on a crash it's a million to one.
||It's something . It's hope.
||Hey!...( sees George) HEY!! Georgie. You know what I just realized; the wedding is like a month away.ha..haa..
||What?...Oh! by the way. What am I going to be in the wedding party?
||What do you mean?
||Well Jerry's gonna be the best man and Kramer's gonna be the usher so what am I gonna be?
||I don't know. I don't think you're anything.
||Wel...I have to be something. I 'm a close friend....What about being a bridesmaid.
||Those are Susan's friends.
||Well then...aaahh how about being an usher?
||Well...I'll ask Susan about it later.
||You don't ask.. You tell.
||( to Jerry) What about the letter, should I think about the letter?
||Hey Elaine if a guy wanted to end a relationship with you . What could he do?
||Does she hate cigarettes?
||Yes, she hates cigarettes.
||But you don't smoke.
||You know, I think I'm getting a little depressed about George's wedding.
||Yeah. Well once he gets married that's it, she'll probably get pregnant, they'll move to Westchester. I'll never see him again.
||Yeah! You're probably right.
||Then it'll just be me, you and Kramer.
||No! Not me pal. I can't keep this up much longer. I'm sick of being single. I'm getting out.
||So it's just gonna be me and Kramer.
||Yep! just you and Kramer.
||See you ... me and Kramer...
||Hey!! Buddy. I thought of a great invention for driving. A periscope in a car, so you can see the traffic.
||(annoyed) How you gonna drive when looking through a periscope? Besides it's not a submarine and there's no room for a periscope in a car.
||Huh! You make a higher roof.
||They're not making higher roofs.
||why can't you make a higher roof.
||Because it's a stupid idea. No one's gonna go for it. Don't you understand It's stupid ,stupid...
||.....Stupid , stupid.
||Hey! Hey! Look out. (she pulls him back saving his life.) OK!, Are you okay?
||Yeah!.. Thanks.Oh! my god you saved my life.
||Shouldn't there be some kind of reward for that.
||oh! thank you.
||You know you should be a lot more careful crossing the street like that, otherwise you could die.. If that bothers you.
||You see..(points to his collar) To me this is a waste.
||The shirt you got on under your sweather. It sits for three weeks in your drawer, waiting to come out. and when it finally does . It sticks up only half an inch out of your collar.
||I'm Jerry Seinfeld.
||Hey! Same initials . How do you like that?
||I like it.
||Listen I was talking to Elaine today and she said she'd would really like to be an usher at the wedding
||No. Out of the question. I don't want any women ushers at my wedding and while we're on the subject, Kramer is not an usher either.
||He doesn't even know my name.
||That was an honest mistake.
||Nah! He's too weird he'd fall or something. He'd ruin the whole ceremony.
||Yeah! You're right.. You're probably right.
||(shrugs and lights it up)
||Since when do you smoke?
||(coughs) I've always smoked.
||I've never seen you smoke.
||Oh yeeah.. well , Big smoker... I (coughs some more) gave it up for a while but it was too tough. Y' know.....I got no will power.
||I don't like this one bit.
||Well(coughs) I can't stop now...(coughs) I'm addicted...
||Well you are gonna have to quit.
||Oh my god....
||No. I know what I want.
||And for you?
||I'll have a bowl of Cheerios , not to much milk.
||Ok Two bowls of Cheerios.
||Hey! Did you hear the bank on the corner is offering a 100 dollars if you go in there and they don't greet you with a hello?
||Uh! Really .That's nice.
||Now what's with you?
||I think I'm in love.
||Oh. Come on.
||No it's true. This woman saved my life. I was crossing the street .I was almost hit by a car...and then we talked and.......the whole thing just seemed like a dream.
||If a guy saved your life you'd be in love with him too.
||No, no this woman is different , she's incredible. she's just like me. She talks like me, she acts like me. She even ordered cereal at a restaurant. We even have the same initials. Wait a minute, I just realised what's going on.
||Now I know what I've been looking for all these years......myself! (Kramer is speechless) I've been waiting for me to come along and now I 've swept myself off my feet.
||You stop it man.. you're FREAKING ME OUT!!!
||Hey! wait a second. You didn't say hello.
||Yes I did
||No no you didn't ...Hundred dollars.. I get a hundred dollars.
||No, No I said Hello.
||No, No You said Hey!
||Well.. Hey! is Hello, same thing.
||The add said that the bank's gonna pay a hundred dollars if you are not greeted with a hello
||You're taking that much to literally. Now sir , do you have any business to transact.
||No, I want to speak to the manager.
||Well, He's not here right now.
||Then I'll be back.
||So I'm not gonna be an usher?
||So I'm nothing. Jerry is best man , Kramer is an usher and I am nothing.
||Well Kramer's not an usher anymore.
||What are you talking about?
||You've been demoted.
||Because you called her by the wrong name.
||But she really looks like a Lily
||Jerry ( as they come into the apt.) Jerry, Susan says I can't be an usher at he wedding.
||Yeah. me neither.
||(shrugs) Hey George I think I want to bring a date to the wedding
||I just met her, she's incredible.
||Aaawh...This is GREAT!!.....Now I'm gonna be stuck at the singles table with all the losers.
||You can go with Kramer
||No , no no no no. Weddings are a great place to meet chicks. I have to be unfettered.
||Do you see what this is turning in to? Do I need this. I have to get out of this thing.
||Did you try the cigarettes?
||Yeah.. They made me sick.
||All right, All right. Lets get down here. You really want to get out of this thing ?
||All right. I got two words for you; Pre-Nup.
||What does that mean?
||Ask her to sign a pre-nup.
||What does that do?
||Because most women when they're asked to sign a pre-nup are so offended they back out of the marriage.
||They are?... Elaine?
||I wouldn't sign one.
||Pre-nup of course ..Kramer....
||Get out of here.
||Hi. Hey I've been going over the list .What about The Drake? Wanna invite him?
||Yeah. Got to invite The Drake. Listen hem...there's something that's been on my mind and we haven't really talked about it..I t's kind of important to me.
||What is it?
||Well I I ..put a lot of thought into this and I think I would like you to sign a prenuptual agreement.
||(burst out laughing)
||What's so funny?
||Ha.Ha.Ha. ha...You don't have any money. I make more money than you do. ha. ha. ha. Yeah.. give me the papers I'll sign 'em.( she leaves) a pre-nup...
||Excuse me.( gets up and opens the door)
||Jerry.... hey Jeannie.
||Remember I told you about the bank?
||Yeah well I went in there and they said Hey!
||Hey is the same thing as hello. What do you think Jeannie.
||Yeah I think it's the same thing.
||Oh! Big surprise ( he leaves frustrated)
||Delivery from Melody Stationaries.
||Oh those are the invitations.
||Just sign there.
||yeah! Thank you.
||See ya later.
||Urgh.. these are so cheap. (as George leaves) And don't forget tommorrow we're going shopping for some rings, so don't make any plans...and this time we're not skimping.
||Yeah , she's coming to see my act tonight.
||Oh yeah! Well that's nice. I'm sure that's right up her alley.
||What's with you?
||Something on your mind?
||Looks like there is?
||Come on. Something's on your mind. Out with it.
||I don't like her.
||You don't like her?
||That's right I don't like , I never like her from the get-go.
||What's wrong with her?
||Everything she thinks. you think. Everything you think she thinks. No I can't take it. I can't take it Jerry. It's too much. It's too much.
||Well you can't take her maybe you can't take me either.
||So THAT's how it's going to be
||That's how it's gonna be.
||OH! GOD HELP US!!!
||May i help you?
||Yeah. uh..I was in here the other day and I went up to that teller and he didn't say hello.
||Then you are entitled to a hundred dollars. That's our policy.
||yeah., but he wouldn't give me the money.
||Hehummm.. JIM...Can I see you for a second
||Uh.. yes can you give me a minute.
||Yea....hum......He'll be. hum.. right over.(awkward pause)
||(knocks on desk) Is thi oak?
||'think it's pine.
||Pine is good.
||Yeah. pine's okay.
||You want to see me
||Yeah... Hum..Jim , a man here says came in the other day , you didn't say hello?
||No, No that's not true, I said Hey! you know like a friendly greeting, Hey!
||But that's not Hello.
||That's a tough one.
||You know what, let me bring some other people in on this...Barbara, Jane, Mike Can I see you please.
||How you doin'?
||(to kramer) Can you excuse us for one minute. Just one minute.
||Thanks. (they huddle)
||How's it going?
||Thanks, thanks everybody. (they leave) Sir, have a seat.
||Well , we've discussed this, here's the feeling. You got a greeting starts with an H how's twenty bucks sound.
||I'll take it.
||awright sir (they shake hands)
||Will you marry me?
||I would like to propose a toast....Wait a second.. George! George Costanza come in here.
||George, big news; I'm getting married!!
||Married , What!(astounded)
||September 21st, first day of Autumn. Leaves changing colours.. Beautiful colors.
||... all that crap.
||You see , I kept up my end of the pact.
||Good for you (sympathetic)
||Hey look , Champagne..
||To our future wives....yeah...
||Well it's been quite a night I could sure use a cup of coffee.
||Hey! what's the deal with decaf; how do they get the caffeine out of there and then where does it go?
||(weakly) I dunno
||That's a shame..
||(to waitress) I' ll just have a cup of coffee.
||Bowl of Corn flakes.
||More cereal? that's your third bowl today, you had it for breakfast and lunch.
||Hey! So what's the deal with brunch, I mean that if it's a combination of breakfast and lunch. How comes there's no lupper or no linner.
||Hey!! Frank just called me. Congratulations.
||Thanks , thanks
||Look I'm sorry about before....I mean I'm sure I'll learn to like her, Jerry
||Yeah , yeah .
||C'mon , c'mon what's the matter?
||I think I may have made a big mistake.
||Oh! Come on.
||All of a sudden it hit me, I realized what the problem is; I can't be with someone like me.. I hate myself!! If anything I need to get the exact opposite of me....It's too much. It's too Much I can't take it ...I can't take it!!!
||(mocking) Too bad you got engaged.
||Yeah! Too bad.
||Hello. Oh! Hi George.......What! ..really! All right I'll call Elaine , we'll meet you down there.
||They just took Susan to the Hospital
||So she was just lying there.
||I wonder what happened?
||I don't know....hmmm ha! here's the doctor.
||Excuse me , Are you the husband?
||Well , not yet.. Fianc.
||Well , I'm sorry.....She's gone.
||...Are you sure?
||Yes , of course.
||Let me ask you ; Had she been exposed to any kind of inexpensive glue?
||We found traces of a certain toxic adhesive commonly found in very low priced envelopes.
||Well she was sending out our wedding invitations.
||That's probably what did it.
||We were expecting about two hundred people...Well...Thank you , thank you.
||I'm so sorry George
||Yeah! me too
||How did it happen?
||Apparently the glue in the wedding invitations was a....toxic.
||Well that's weird
||So I guess , you're not getting married?
||(embarrassed with a touch of unrestrained jubilation) Yes.
||Well , now I'm engaged..
||Well I thought we'd both be getting married.
||Hey!.. What can I tell ya.
||All right. (they start to leave except Jerry)
||well humm.. lets get some coffee.
||WE HAD A PACT!!!
||Yes I'd like to speak to Marisa Tomei, please? Marisa, Hi it's George Costanza.. I'm the short, funny, quirky bald man you met a little while ago, heh! yeah I was just calling 'cos I wanted you to know that I'm not engaged anymore......well huh, She died....Toxic glue from the wedding invitations.....well we were expecting about two hundred people. Yeah... Anyway.. hum I got the funeral tomorrow but huh.. my weekend is pretty wide open and I was wondering... (dial tone interrupts George)..... Hello...Hello..