||Hey, have you seen all these new commercials for indigestion drugs? Pepcid AC, Tagemat HB.
||Ugh, the whole country's sick to their stomach.
||Now, you know you're supposed to take these things before you get sick?
||What is this, a 'bit'?
||'Cos I'm not in the mood.
||We're just talking. Is this not the greatest marketing ploy ever? If you feel good, you're supposed to take one!
||Yeah, I know that tone. This is a bit.
||They've opened up a whole new market. Medication for the well.
||(tired) Alright, are you done with your little amusement?
||(hopeful) Then you admit it was amusing?
||It was okay, but move the 'medication for the well' to the front, and hit the word 'good' harder.
||(thinking) Great. Thanks.
||So, your firm designed all the furniture in here?
||We manufacture it. The original designs are by Karl Farbman.
||(as if she knows) Oh, Farbman.
||You know Farbman?
||Mm, love Farbman.
||Most people go their whole lives without sitting in a Farbman.
||Wuh, if you call that living. (laughs) Ahaha.
||Wouldn't it be great if Farbman designed shoes?
||Brett? Don't you think that would be great?
||(still staring off) After the song, babe.
||So when do I meet this jerk?
||He's not a jerk, Jer. He only works with Karl Farbman.
||(dismissive) I dunno, some designer. Anyway, Brett is so generous, and sensitive. Last night he was moved just listening to a song.
||And you're still dating him? I tell you who sounds a little desperado.
||(pointing toward the guy) See that salesman, twirling that umbrella.
||I invented that.
||That, had to be invented?
||When I started out as a comedian, I sold umbrellas. It was my idea to twirl it, to attract customers.
||(skeptical) Oh hoh, really? Well, why don't we ask him about it?
||Excuse me. Hey, how you doing. Uhm, my, uh, friend here says that he invented that little twirl you're doing.
||Elaine, please, it was a long time ago. The man doesn't want a history lesson.
||Teddy Padillac came up with this twirl.
||(looking at Jerry) Ohh.
||I know Teddy Padillac. I worked with him on Forty-eighth and Sixth.
||Yeah, that's where he come up with it.
||In his dreams.
||Alright, can we (glances at her watch) go?
||(to Clicky) By the way, you're doing it too fast. You'll disorient the customers.
||It's the twirling that dazzles the eye.
||(pulls a face) I find it disorienting. Who buys an umbrella anyway? Y..you get 'em for free in the coffee shop in the metal cans.
||(as if speaking to a moron) Those belong to people.
||Hey. Well. (proffers the envelope) This was downstairs for you. Ker-ching.
||(taking the envelope) Oh no, not more checks. They're coming faster than I can sign 'em.
||Oh, you didn't hear? Jerry's a big star in Japan.
||I don't know why. There's a one-second clip of me in the opening credits of some Japanese comedy show.
||Yeah, the Super Terrific Happy Hour.
||(opening the envelope and pulling out a stack of checks) They run it all the time, and now I'm starting to get all these royalty checks.
||Look at all of those! You're rich!
||Naw. Each one is for like twelve cents. It's barely worth the pain in my hand to sign 'em.
||Hey, Jerry, you need any new furniture?
||(getting a bottle of water out of the fridge) Yeah, well, Elaine's new boyfriend, you know. He's giving me this oversize chest of drawers. It's a Farbman.
||He's giving you furniture? Who is this guy?
||Ah, who are any of her losers?
||(dryly) You're on that list.
||Alright, I gotta go home and open up with the house for the carpet cleaners. You know they're doing my whole place for twenty-five dollars.
||Oh, no, no, no. Not the Sunshine Carpet Cleaners?
||Yeah, you heard of 'em?
||They're a crazy religious cult. The carpet cleaning is just a means for them to get into your apartment.
||So? For a twenty-five dollar cleaning, I can listen to some pointless blather.
||I do it, I'm not even getting the cleaning.
||Signed over a hundred checks this morning.
||Hello, twelve dollars.
||Excuse me. Would you take picture please?
||(takes camera) Oh, yeah, sure.
||I'm gonna ask this guy something.
||(to umbrella guy) Hey. Nice twirl you got there. You know who invented that, don't you?
||(to tourists) Hey, are you folks from Japan.
||(points over to Jerry) You recognise that mug?
||That's the funny face that greets you at the beginning of the Super Terrific Happy Hour.
||Ahh, Super Terrific Happy...
||Ah, yeah. Yeah, that's him.
||What is he doing?
||Well, I don't know. But something super terrific, I'm sure.
||Oh yeah, very funny. And it wouldn't be impolite to laugh at his antics.
||Yeah. Yeah, that's it. Because everybody laughs at Jerry here in America.
||(calling to George) We're pretty much finished.
||There's just one more thing.
||(smiling expectantly) Here it comes.
||(clears throat) You forgot to sign your check.
||(signs) Sorry. (expectant) You're sure, uh, there isn't anything else?
||(let down) So, that's it?
||Unless you need a receipt.
||(melancholy) I wish that was all needed. Life can be so confusing. I..I'm searching for answers, anywhere.
||(flat) Good luck with that.
||What's with the claw?
||Super terrific carpal tunnel syndrome.
||(to Elaine) There's no sign of Kramer.
||Oh, Brett. (indicating) This is Jerry.
||That's very funny. Elaine told me you were some kinda comedian.
||Ah, I'm one kind.
||Have you seen the chest of drawers that Brett gave to Kramer?
||You gotta see 'em. Beautiful.
||(not interested) Oh, I'm sure they are.
||I'd be happy to get you some if that's what you're driving at.
||No. I'm fine, thank you.
||Don't worry. It's no charge to you.
||Looks like what you really need is a decent desk for writing your skits.
||(quiet annoyance) I don't write skits.
||(walking back to Elaine) Well, of course you don't. You don't have a proper workstation. I'll fax you over my catalogue.
||Mmm. Brett, uhm, Jerry doesn't have a fax machine.
||Well, I'm sure things'll pick up for you soon. Elaine, maybe we should get going.
||Oh. Jerry, you wanna join us?
||Oh, where you going? The coffee shop?
||(scoff) Coffee shop? I think we can do a little better than that. You look like you could use a solid meal at a real restaurant.
||You look like you could use a...
||(reads) Three hundred dollars. Hey, Mr Oh, how much would these run you in Tokyo?
||(thinks for a second) Ahh, about, uh, thirty thousand yen.
||(shocked) Thirty thousand?! These are practically free.
||Giddyup. You're a cowboy now.
||I feel terrible about your friend Jerry. He's upset that I gave Kramer that chest of drawers, isn't he?
||Why? Why d'you think he's upset?
||How could he not be? Living in that cramped little apartment. And outdated furniture, so terribly... un-Karl Farbman-like.
||(romantic) We're not gonna talk about Karl Farbman all night, are we?
||(smiling) I hope not.
||(surprised) Brett? Everything alright?
||(worried) Brett! What is it? Is there someone outside?
||Elaine, the song.
||(relieved) Oh. Oh, oh, phew. You know, for a minute there I thought it was like that urban legend about the guy with the hook who's hanging on the fender...
||Elaine, could you just not talk for one minute?
||(apologetic, silently mouthed) Sorry.
||(annoyed) Not a peep. They just cleaned the carpets and left. Call themselves a cult!
||So you're angry that this bizarre carpet cabal made no attempt to abduct you?
||They could've at least tried!
||You know, maybe they thought you looked too smart to be brainwashed?
||(impressed) Well! Mack is back in town! Nice duds.
||Konichi-wa. Yeah, it's a gift from my Japanese friends. (sits beside Jerry) They're known as gift-givers. And tonight we're going dancing at the Rainbow Room.
||Sounds like you're throwing a lot of their money around.
||Well, Jerry, they're Japanese. I mean, that TV you watch, that sushi you eat, I mean, even that kimono you wear. Where to you think all that money goes, hmm?
||How'd you hook up with these guys?
||Well, they recognised Jerry from the Super Terrific Happy Hour. See now, you should be doing your own show in Japan. Now, they get you.
||What kind of show am I gonna do in Japan?
||(to George) Alright, what'd you do with that pilot you did.
||(excited) Yeah, the pilot!
||That's right, I think that had marvellous production values.
||(enthusiastic) And, you know, I do a lotta business with Japanese TV. They broadcast a lot of American baseball. They got an office here in New York!
||Forget it! The pilot was awful. It failed.
||(animated) It failed here! Because, here, every time you turn on a TV, all you see is four morons sitting round an apartment, whining about their dates!
||George is right, Jerry. See, here, you're just another apple, but in Japan, you're an exotic fruit. Like an orange. Which is rare there.
||You had a date? You went out with my butler?! Who said you could go out with my butler?!
||Well, why do I need your permission?
||Because he's my butler.
||(eager) So? What d'you think?
||We're bit confused. Why was this man Jerry's butler?
||Ah. You see, the man who was the butler, uh, had gotten into a car accident with Jerry, and because he didn't have any insurance, the judge decreed that the man become Jerry's butler.
||Is this customary in your legal system?
||No. That's what makes it such a humorous situation.
||(speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE Are you following any of this?
||(speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE I'm still trying to figure out why they gave us a bag of oranges.
||(to Jerry and George) I'm sorry. I'm sure Mr Seinfeld is very funny to Americans, but I'm not sure this butler show would work in Japan.
||Oh, I, uh, I disagree. You've, uh, you've been living in America too long. (indicates the bag of oranges) You've forgotten what it's like to have no oranges.
||(speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE Again with the oranges
||(flexing his fingers) Sorry. My hand is numb.
||(positive) Yes. From endorsing checks for the Super Terrific Happy Hour. (laughs)
||You must go now.
||Ah, I think I'm on the outs with Brett. I got shushed during Desperado.
||(throws out his hands) What does he listen to? The all Desperado station?
||He is just in his own world when he hears that song. It's like, I'm sitting there in the car, and he's.. out riding fences.
||You know, what you need is a song you can share.
||Yes. You're right. We need to find 'our' song.
||Okay. So, is there any song that you feel very strongly about?
||(points) I like Witchy Woman.
||You know, Witchy Woman. (sings) 'Ooo-ooh, wit-chay woman'.
||(getting it) Ahh. Wit-chay Woman.
||(to Jerry) Hey, man.
||Hey. How was the Rainbow Room?
||Uh, well, we, uh, we had to leave early. There was a, uh, slight monetary discrepancy regarding the bill.
||Uh, listen, uh, can I borrow some pillows?
||Yeah, well, uh, my Japanese friends're gonna stay with me.
||I thought they all had suites at the Plaza?
||Well, I'm sorry, Jerry, we all don't have checks rolling in like you do.
||Well, what about all that money from the kimonos I wear?
||Well, they ran out of it. Manhattan can be quite pricey. Even with fifty thousand yen.
||Fifty thousand yen? Isn't that only a few hundred dollars?
||Evidently. (To Elaine) Oh, by the way, tell Brett that his chest of drawers are a big hit. My guests are very comfortable in them.
||You have them sleeping in drawers?!
||Jerry, have you ever seen the business hotels in Tokyo? They sleep in tiny stacked cubicles all the time. They feel right at home.
||This has 'international incident' written all over it.
||(smiling) Oh yeah, yeah.
||Goodnight, Mr Tanaka.
||Goodnight, Mr Oh.
||(sits up) Goodnight.
||Goodnight, Mr Yamaguchi.
||(sits up) Oyasuminasai *(Japanese for goodnight)
||What is this?
||Rice Crispies. East meets West, Jerry.
||Ah. It's a lovely little bureau and breakfast you're running. Well, I'm off to the bank.
||(opening the fridge) Sayonara.
||Shh-shh! (smiling) What d'you think?
||What are you doing? That's Witchy Woman. That could be our song.
||Witchy Woman is okay for you, but I've already got a song.
||Oh. Oh, then how about Desperado? (smiling) We can share it.
||(flat) No. It's mine.
||Here you go. Snap, crackle and pop.
||(loudly) Good morning, Mr Oh. I gotta make up the drawer.
||Ach, come back in half hour.
||(calls) Hey, I'll take one.
||Well, look who's back!
||Teddy! (indicates Jerry) This's the guy says he invented the twirl.
||(unfriendly recognition) Jerry Seinfeld!
||Teddy Padillac. Long time, no see. (pointing at the umbrellas) What've you got in a push-button mini.
||(bitter) Same thing we had, when you bailed on us, fifteen years ago.
||Bailed? C'mon, you knew I wanted to be a comedian. Besides, we had some good time. Remember Tropical Storm Renee?
||(angry) Oh, yeah, sure. But where were you during the poncho craze of eighty-four? I almost lost my house.
||Now we got that damn 'urban sombrero' to contend with.
||(to Clicky) Easy, there. (to Jerry) I hear you're taking credit for the twirl.
||Aw, it was so many years ago. Who cares?
||(intense) I care. Clicky cares.
||So, could I...
||Could I just buy an umbrella?
||(sour) Yeah, sure. Two hundred dollars.
||(caustically) Special price, for a real foul-weather friend.
||Hey, George. How about that tour, huh? These guys are ready to run the bases.
||(indicating the window) Kramer, it's, it's raining. They got the tarp on the field.
||(quietly) Ah, listen, George, what else can I do with these guys? Now, bear in mind, they're a little light on the yen.
||Well, I, I got the pilot of the Jerry show.
||(snaps his fingers) That's perfect. (to the Japanese) Hey, how would you guys like to watch Super Terrific Happy star Jerry Seinfeld?
||But, we are also very hungry.
||Oh, yeah, yeah. (feeds tape into VCR) Well, you guys just watch the tape and, uh, I'll get you some food.
||(shouts) Hey, peanuts!
||George. (waves George over) George.
||(puzzled) Uh, George, uh, did you call some carpet cleaners?
||Are they here?
||They're in my office, right now.
||(suspicious) They haven't said anything to you, have they?
||(to himself, resentful) What kind of a snobby, stuck-up, cult is this?!
||(calls over) Hey Jerry!
||Oh, hi Brett.
||Haven't you ever heard of an umbrella?
||Ah, I didn't have enough money.
||I'm sure things'll pick up for you.
||No, it's not that, it's the...
||Oh no, look at the checks! Hours of hard work ruined!
||Ah, don't worry, I can spot you the (reads) twelve cents?
||No, it's not the money. It's my hand. It's crippled from writing and writing.
||Nothing's working for you, is is?
||(bitter) Not at the moment, Brett.
||I'd give you a ride, but I got Karl Farbman here.
||(sarcastic) Thanks for stopping!
||Brett said you ran away from him, as if he were the boogetyman.
||I'm quite sure. Anyway, any luck getting together on a song?
||No. He blew out my Witchy Woman, and he won't share Desperado. Hey, what d'you think of Oye Como Va?
||(desperation) Well, I'm running outta guys here in this city, Jer!
||(excited) Great news! I showed the pilot to Kramer's Japanese friends. They loved it!
||Really? They bought the butler character?
||(excited) Did I tell you that story's relatable?! That was a great show! That is why I'm bringing it back to NBC.
||(little subdued) Nakahama Broadcast Corporation.
||Ah. But they told us we must go now.
||But now I have my own market research. Actual Japanese viewers, that love the show! I'm gonna talk to Kramer.
||Hey, George, do me a favour. If they make you an offer, whatever it is. (vehement) Just take it!
||Hey, by the way, what'd you think of Miss Yoshimura?
||The network executive. You think she liked me?
||Heyy! Look who's here.
||(beckoning to George) Come on, I want you to come in here.
||Come on in, fat boy!
||Get a good night's sleep, alright fellas. (thumbs up) Big day tomorrow!
||(to himself) Last one.
||(agonised) Uugh! Ahh.
||There you are.
||Uh. (smiles) Where's the boys?
||Uh, no, I let 'em sleep in.
||I'm on my way to cash in their plane tickets for them. They need a little food money.
||(horrified) But that meeting starts in ten minutes!
||No, well, I set their alarm. But they did have a lot of sake in that hot-tub.
||(frantic) I'm calling Jerry.
||(panicked and rushed) Jerry! The Japanese guys had sake in the hot-tub! You gotta get 'em outta the drawers and get 'em down here, or I don't have a focus group to sell the pilot to Japanese TV!
||(kidding) Uncle Leo?
||Alright, alright. I'll wake 'em up.
||(to himself) Hmm, testy.
||Mr Jerry! Open the drawer, please!
||It's stuck. (pained) Oww! The steam from the hot-tub musta warped the wood.
||I'm trying. I can't get a grip. My hand's had kind of a bad week.
||Very funny, but no joking, please.
||(looks round) Don't worry, I'll get you out.
||Brett, believe me. You don't have to do this.
||Elaine, I know he'll appreciate this. Granted, it's not as nice as Kramer's cabinet, but it's start.
||Uh, I promise you, Jerry is not jealous of Kramer's cabinet.
||(yell) Move to the back of the drawers!
||(shouting) Not the Farbman!!
||(speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE Jerry Seinfeld is a dangerous lunatic. He wouldn't let us out of the drawers. Then he came at me with an axe.
||(speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE We suspect his friend here is also unbalanced.
||So, uh, gentlemen, do we have a deal?
||(speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE Could we have a couple of those oranges?
||(speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE We are very hungry and have survived many hardships.
||(to the executives) Excuse me. Did you hire the Sunshine Carpet Cleaners?
||Yes. Cleaned up the (points) coffee stain, left by Jerry Seinfield.
||Mr Wilhelm? Wha..what're you doing here?
||I'm here to clean the carpets. Most of the world is carpeted. And, one day, we will do the cleaning.
||(incredulity) Him you brainwashed! (angry shout) What's he got that I don't have?!
||(urgent) Mr Wilhelm, listen. You've been abducted! Please, Mr Wilhelm, you gotta listen to me!
||Wilhelm? (he raises the nozzle of his cleaner) My name is Tanya.
||(speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE With these two idiots I don't know how the Yankees won the World Series.
||(apologetically) Brett, I'm, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to hit you in the head with.. an axe.
||(defensive) At least it was just the handle!
||It was a beautiful cabinet. What am I gonna tell...
||I can't remember his name!
||Calm down Brett, okay. You could have a concussion. Calm down. (holds Brett's head and sings) 'Desperado, mmm-mm-mmm. You better...'
||(singing) '...let somebody love you. Let somebody love you, before it's too...'
||His pulse is fine.
||Hmm. Looks like a minor concussion. Let me see what I can do to relieve the swelling.
||(alarm) Doctor, I think we're losing him!