||I got no leg room back here. Move your seat forward.
||That's as far as it goes.
||There's a mechanism. You just pull it, and throw your body weight.
||I pulled it. It doesn't go.
||If you want the leg room, say you want the leg room! Don't blame the mechanism!
||All right, Dad, we're five blocks from the house. Sit sideways.
||Like an animal. Because of her, I have to sit here like an animal! Serenity now! Serenity now!
||What is that?
||Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say, 'Serenity now!'
||Are you supposed to yell it?
||The man on the tape wasn't specific.
||What happened to the screen door? It blew off again?
||I told you to fix that thing.
||So I told Bobby and Lisa that we'd try the new Chinese Spanish
||Oh, I thought we had tickets for the Knicks home opener.
||Well I thought this would be more fun so I gave the tickets away.
||What? All right, fine.
||Are you mad at me?
||No, I love a good Chinese Spanish whatever it is.
||You know... I've never seen you mad.
||I get peeved.
||I'd like to see you get *really* mad.
||Why does she want you to be mad?
||She says I suppress my emotions.
||So what do you care what she thinks.
||She probably gets that impression because you're cool. You're under control. Like me. Nothing wrong with that.
||But I get upset, I've yelled. You've heard me yell.
||Not really. Your voice kind of raises to this comedic pitch. (Kramer enters)
||Kramer, I am so sick of you comin' in here and eatin' all my food. Now shut that door and get the hell out of here!
||(Laughing) What is that, a new bit?
||I told ya. Hey, any of you guys want to come out and help me fix my father's screen door in Queens?
||Sorry, I'm fixing a screen door in the Bronx.
||I'll do it.
||Really? You wanna come?
||Yeah, I love going to the country.
||Where are they goin'?
||Fix a screen door in Queens.
||(Laughing) That's funny. Hey, listen, what are you doin' Saturday night?
||Not goin' to the Knick game.
||I need someone to go with me to Mr. Lippman's son's Bar Mitzvah.
||You know, if you don't bring a guest they save a catering. You should be able to buy a cheaper gift.
||(Taking out Boggle) Oh, I don't think that's possible.
||(Holding camera) Get in a little closer. I can't see the screen door. (Takes picture) Perfect.
||Dad, the hinges are all rusted here. That's why the wind keeps blowing the door off.
||I hate that old door. Throw it out!
||It might be time to just let her go, Frank. She's worked hard for ya.
||Will you put her to rest for me?
||Oh yeah, I'll take good care of her. (Rips out the screen door)
||(From other room) Get George to put those boxes in the garage.
||Dad, what's all this?
||(From other room) It's junk.
||My computers. I've been selling them for two months now. Shut up!
||You're selling computers?
||Two months ago, I saw a provocative movie on cable TV. It was called The Net, with that girl from the bus. I did a little reading, and I realize, it wasn't that farfetched.
||Dad, you know what it takes to compete with Microsoft and IBM?
||Yes, I do. That's why I got a secret weapon... my son.
||Damn it, they gave me cream! I asked for nonfat milk!
||I think they have 1% over there.
||1%?! They can kiss 1% of my ass!
||OK, Jerry, enough. I'm not buying it.
||You're damn right you're not buying it!
||You shouldn't have to try. It's just being open.
||I'm open. There's just nothing in there.
||Sarcastically) Uh huh.
||Oh, you think I'm lying about this?
||I think you are.
||Well, I'm not.
||Yes, you are, liar.
||Oh, stop it.
||Ooh, that was good.
||Really? It felt good.
||Congratulations, Mr. Lippman.
||Oh, Elaine. My boy's a man today. Can you believe it? He's a man.
||Oh, congratulations, Adam. (Adam zealously French-kisses Elaine)
||I'm a man!
||Wow! I didn't try that 'til I was 23.
||Well this kid's not just a man. He's a man's man.
||And I think he's been telling his friends. I got invitations to six more Bar Mitzvahs. (phone rings)
||Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. No, no, no, I do not want to stop over in Cincinnati. Well, then you upgrade me. That's right, you should thank me. Goodbye. (Hangs up) Hey, I'm flyin' first class.
||Where did that come from?
||Patty showed me how to get mad. You gotta problem with that?
||All right, relax, tough guy. I got to go out to my father's garage, help him sell some computers.
||What? The two of you workin' in that garage is like a steel cage death match.
||What-what are you doing?
||Oh, I'm putting up Frank's screen door. This beauty's got a little life in her yet.
||What do you need it for?
||(Closing door) The cool evening breezes of Anytown, USA. Let's see how this baby closes. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
||(From another room ) You're late!
||I'm not 'dad' in the workplace. My professional name is Mr. Costanza, and I will refer to you as 'Costanza'. Morning, Braun.
||(Handing Frank coffee) Morning, George. Two cream, no sugar.
||What is Lloyd Braun doing here?
||Your mother recommended him.
||Yeah, of course she did. That's all I ever heard growing up is 'Why can't you be more like Lloyd Braun?' Did you know he was in a mental institution?
||I didn't read his resume.
||(Ringing the sale bell) Another sale, Mr. Costanza. Chalk me up on the big board.
||(Inquiring about the chalk board) What is this?
||(Drawing a zero under George's name) This is your lagging. Good work, Braun.
||(From another room) Good for you, Lloyd!
||So Adam, I just talked to your father, and, apology accepted.
||I'm not apologizing. It was great. I told everyone.
||Yeah, I know. Uh, by the way, could you do me a favor and tell Mitchell Tanenbaum that I will be unable to attend this Saturday.
||Are you free Friday night?
||I am, but that is not the point. You are thirteen, and I am in my early... 20s.
||But I'm a man. The rabbi said so.
||No. You are not a man. It takes a *long* time to become a man. I mean, half my friends aren't even there yet.
||Well, if I'm not a man, then this whole thing was a sham! First, they said I was gonna get great gifts, and then, somebody gives me Boggle. I renounce my religion!
||Who wants cookies?
||As of this moment, I am no longer Jewish. I quit!
||(Eating) Walnuts, mmmmmm.
||You're late again, Costanza, so listen up. Starting tonight, we're having a little sales contest. The loser gets fired, the winner gets a Waterpik.
||(From another room) You're not giving away our Waterpik!
||You know what? It doesn't matter, because I quit!
||I guess your mother was right. You never could compete with Lloyd Braun! (Lloyd rings his sale bell and smiles)
||You wanna sell computers? I will show *you* how to sell computers! Hello, Mr. Farneman. You wanna buy a computer? No? Why not? All right, I see! Good answer! Thank you! (Lloyd rings his sale bell) Serenity now!
||Adam, you don't become a man overnight. Look at your father. It takes time. Patience, experience. Uh, several careers of varying success. And these are things I look for in a man.
||(Storming out of the room) Well, that does me a lot of good. 'Early 20s'!
||Well, I'm sorry, sir, I tried.
||So, that's the type of guy you're looking for?
||Uhh. I guess so. Why? (Mr. Lippman vigorously starts making out with her)
||(Surveying Kramer's hall patio ) What is this?
||(Knocking on Kramer's door) Anytown, U.S.A. Hello? Is Kramer home? Oh, hey.
||(Spraying his flowers) Hello, neighbor.
||Boy, those azaleas are really coming in nicely.
||Oh, you gotta mulch. You've got to.
||You barbecuing tonight?
||(Ringing his wind chimes) Right after the fireworks.
||So, where do you want to eat tonight?
||How about La Caridad again?
||Again!? How much flan can a person eat!?
||Jerry, you've been yelling at me all afternoon.
||Well, I don't think more flan is the answer!
||Maybe I should just leave.
||Double good-bye! (As Patty leaves, open door reveals Kramer, sitting on his lawn chair with a sparkler)
||(Coming in Jerry's apartment) Hey. Happy New Year!
||(Getting the door slammed on him) Y'all come back reeeaall...
||Did you and Patty just break up?
||Yeah! In fact, she broke up with me! And I don't want to talk about it!
||Well, then you're free tonight. You know what, I heard about this great place called La Caridad.
||That's the last thing she said to me. She wanted to go there also, but I wasn't in the mood.
||Whoa. What is the matter?
||Jerry, you break up with a girl every week.
||(Crying) What--what is this salty discharge?
||Oh my God. You're crying.
||This is horrible! I care!
||Patty won't call me back. I don't know if I can live without her.
||She's really gotten to you, hasn't she?
||I don't know what's happening to me.
||Simple. You let out one emotion, all the rest will come with it. It's like Endora's box.
||That was the mother on Bewitched. You mean Pandora.
||Yeah, well, she... had one, too. (George enters)
||Jerry, can I talk to you for a second? (They enter Jerry's apartment)
||(Baseball flies at Kramer and hits him) That's it, that's it! I warned you kids. I told you not to play in front of my house. This time, I'm keepin' it. And you're not getting back your rock either!
||(hearing Jerry broke up with Patty) Are you still down in the dumps? Come on. It's just a chick.
||You ever heard of a little thing called feelings?
||Well, I got just the thing to cheer you up. A computer! Huh? We can check porn, and stock quotes.
||Porn quotes... I'm so lucky to have a friend like you, George. Ever tell you how much I love you?
||I love you, George. Come here.
||I-I'm already here. I'm here. I'm here. Uh, you know what? If you want a computer, call me. I-I gotta go.
||Go wherever you want. I'm still gonna love you.
||Look what they did. Look what they did to my house! I turn my back for two seconds, and they put shaving cream all over my door. You, I see you! I'll teach these kids a lesson. Where's that house I put under your sink?
||Hose under my sink. I love *you*, Kramer!
||I love you, too, buddy, and George--
||I don't want to hear it, Kramer!
||Listen, when I give you the signal, I want you to turn this water on full blast.
||What signal? What-what signal?
||I'll yell, uh, 'Hoochie mama!'
||If I do it, will you buy a computer?
||On the signal, George. On the signal.
||Only if you buy. I gotta make a sale.
||I love you, Costanza.
||Will you shut up?!
||Now! Now, George! Turn on the faucet! George, turn on the faucet! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mamamaaaaa!
||So now the *other* Lippman kissed me.
||Well, sure. They're Jewish, and you're a shiksa.
||It means a non-Jewish woman.
||I know what it means, but what does being a shiksa have to do with it?
||You've got 'shiksappeal'. Jewish men love the idea of meeting a woman that's not like their mother.
||Oh, that's insane.
||I'll tell you what's insane the price that I could get you on a new desktop computer.
||I am not buying a computer from you.
||(Pausing) Even so.
||Don't get me wrong, Mr. Lippman. I-I'm very flattered that you found me attractive enough to... lunge at me. Huh. But the only reason you like me is because I'm a shiksa.
||That's simply not true.
||If you weren't Jewish, you wouldn't be interested in me.
||You are wrong. I'll prove it.
||Oh, no. Don't!
||I renounce Judaism!
||What happened to you, pal?
||Joey Zanfino and some of the neighborhood kids. They ambushed me with a box of 'Grade A's.
||Are you all right?
||Oh, no. I'm fine. Serenity now. Serenity now. Serenity now.
||So, you're using Frank's relaxation method?
||(Trying to open a back of chips) Jerry, the anger, it just melts right off. Serenity now. Look at this. Serenity now!
||(Enters) Hey, what happened to you?
||Serenity! (He exits)
||Well. You are not gonna believe this. Now Lippman is renounced. This shiksa thing is *totally* out of control. What is *with* you people? What are you looking at?
||Sit down, Elaine.
||Oh, no. Jerry, I can't take any more gentle sobbing.
||I've been thinking about what it means to be complete.
||Do you have an apple or anything?
||Look at us, hurtling through space on this big, blue marble.
||Or a nectarine? I would absolutely love a nectarine.
||Looking everywhere for some kind of meaning...
||Why am I in such a fruit mood? Ahh, banana!
||When all the while, the real secret to happiness has been right in front of us!
||(Entering Jerry's apartment with a cartload of computers) Jerry, I've found a way to beat Lloyd Braun! I buy the computers myself, I store 'em in your apartment. Then, after I win the contest, I bring 'em all back and get my money back. Ha ha! It's brilliant. What? What's wrong with your leg?
||I'm asking Elaine to marry me.
||(Leaving) I'll store these over at Kramer's apartment.
||Uhh, Jerry, I've got a lot goin' on with, uh, Lippman right now.
||(Trying to get her bag to leave) Yeah, and him too. What?! Oh, yeah! I think George is calling me, so I'm gonna go give him a hand. Come on! Come on!
||Can I help you?
||No. Stay! Stay. Stay.
||Hey, Braun, Costanza's kicking your butt!
||(using the phone) Watch how it's done. Oh, hello, Mr. Vandelay? Would you like to buy a computer? Oh, really? Two dozen?
||Costanza, you're white hot!
||If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and--
||Hey, Braun, I got good news and bad news. And they're both the same you're fired. Costanza, you've won the water pik!
||You're not gonna give away that water pik!
||You wanna bet? Serenity now, serenity now!
||You know, you should tell your dad that 'serenity now' thing doesn't work. It just bottles up the anger, and eventually, you blow.
||What do you know? You were in the nut house.
||What do you think put me there?
||I heard they found a family in your freezer
||Serenity now. Insanity later.
||What happened here, Kramer?
||Serenity now, serenity now...
||Geez! Jerry, I didn't here you come in. Yeah, the children, they've done sum redecorating. Serenity now, serenity now.
||You don't look well.
||Well, that's odd, 'cause I feel perfectly at peace with the world- uh! eggs! you! Serenity now, serenity now, serenity now.
||Oh, I'm sorry. Look at me, I stepped on your last rose.
||(going into his apartment) Jerry, come on. Don't get upset about it. There's always next spring. Now will you excuse me for a moment. Serenity nooooooooww!
||Jerry! I did it! Haha! I beat Braun!
||(crashing and banging in his apartment) Serenity now!
||Come on, wanna give me a hand with the computers?
||(Crashing and banging around) Serenity nooooowwwww!
||Why couldn't you squeeze one of those stupid rubber balls to get your stress out? Why did you have to destroy *twenty-five* computers?
||(Leaving) George, you listen to me. I owe ya one.
||He's incorrigible. You want to talk about it?
||Oh, please don't tell me you love me again, Jerry, I can't handle it.
||George, letting my emotions out was the best thing I've ever done. Sure I'm not funny anymore, but there's more to life than making shallow, fairly-obvious observations. How about you?
||All right... here goes...
||Rabbi, is there anything I can do to combat this Shiks-appeal?
||Ha! Elaine, shiks-appeal is a myth, like the Yeti, or his North American cousin, the Sasquatch.
||Well, something's goin' on here, 'cause every able-bodied Israelite in the county is driving pretty strong to the hoop.
||Elaine, there's much you don't understand about the Jewish religion. For example, did you know that rabbis are allowed to date?
||(About to leave) Well, what does that have to do...?
||You know, a member of my congregation has a timeshare in Myrtle Beach. Perhaps, if you're not too busy, we could wing on down after the High Holidays? Elaine? 'Lainie?
||So, that's it. All of my darkest fears, and... everything I'm capable of. That's me.
||Yikes. Well, good look with all that.
||Where you going? I-I thought I could count on you for a little compassion.
||I think you scared me straight.
||All right, Jerome, I'm in.
||Maybe we should get married. Maybe everything we need is right here in front of us. Jer... let's do it.
||I tell ya, I don't see it happening.
||What? What happened to the new Jerry?
||He doesn't work here anymore.
||Oh, well that's just *great!*
||I love you, Jerry.
||(Leaving) Right back at ya, Slick.
||You know, all these years, I've always wanted to see the two of you get back together.
||Well, that's because you're an idiot.
||You single-handedly brought Costanza and Son to the brink of bankruptcy.
||Well what about all the Lloyd Braun sales?
||He's crazy. His phone wasn't even hooked up. He just liked ringing that bell.
||I told you to clean out this garage. I have to put my car in!
||This is a place of business. I told you never to come in here. Serenity now!
||Dad, you really should lay off the 'serenity now' stuff.
||So, what am I supposed to say?
||Move your crap, I'm comin' in!
||No you're not! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mama!