||Tim Whatley's apartment]
||So.. Whatley's still Jewish, huh?
||Oh, sure. With out the parents, it's a breeze.
||Hey! Happy Chanukah!
||Hey, Tim. Great party.
||(Suggesting a kiss to Elaine) eh?
||(Shrugging it off) eh.
||(Accepting) Oh. (Turns to George) Hey, George, thanks again for getting me those Yankee tickets.
||Oh, yeah. Still in good with the ground crew. (Laghs)
||(Notices a woman walking by) Oh, hey, listen, I'd better circulate.. (moving over to the woman) Happy Chanukah, Tiffany! (they both move off camera)
||This place is like Studio 54 with a menorah.
||I'm gonna get some more of these kosher cocktail franks.. (leaves)
||Oh.. (sees a guy looking at her) I got denim vest checking me out. (laughs) Fake phone number's coming out tonight.
||You have a standard fake?
||(Notices an attractive woman walking by, starts to follow her) That's neat.
||(Holds onto Jerry's arm) No, please! Denim vest! He's smoothing it! Jerry! God! (Jerry excapes Elaine's grasp, moves over to the woman. The man wearing a denim vest moves over to Elaine.)
||Hi, I'm Jerry.
||Hi. JERRY You might not know it to look at me, but I can run really, really fast.
||Nice vest. I like the.. big metal buttons
||They're snaps. Listen, maybe we should, uh, go out some time?
||Why don't I give you my phone number?
||Hey! How'd it go with the cocktail franks?
||Great! I ate the entire platter! Had to call in sick today.
||Didn't you call in sick yesterday?
||Hey, I work for Kruger Industrial Smoothing "We don't care, and it shows."
||(Notices George brought hhis mail) You're gonna open your mail here?
||Hey, at least I'm bringing something to this. (Starts flipping through envelopes, reads one ) "Have you seen me?" (Flicks it aside) Nope. (looks at next envelope) Woah, something from Whatley.
||See? You give, and you get.
||(Reading the card from Whatley) "This holiday season a donation has been made in your name to the Children's Alliance."?
||Oh, that's nice.
||I got him Yankee's tickets! He got me a piece of paper saying "I've given your gift to someone else!"
||To a children's charity!
||Don't you see how wrong that is?! Where's your Christmas spirit? And eye for an eye!
||(To waitress) Oh, nothing for me. (Waitress leaves) I'm going to "Atomic Sub" later.
||"Atomic Sub"? Why are you eating there?
||I got a card, and they stamp it every time I buy a sub. 24 stamps, and I become a submarine (makes a gesture) captain.
||What does that mean?
||(Embarrassed) Free sub.
||Nothing. It's a card from my dad.
||What is it? (Grabs the card from George, he tries to stop her, but fails. She reads it out loud.) "Dear son, Happy Festivus." What is Festivus?
||It's nothing, stop it..
||When George was growing up..
||(Interrupting) Jerry, No!
||Hated all the commercial and religious aspects of Christmas, so he made up his own holiday.
||Ohhhh.. and another piece of the puzzle falls into place.
||And instead of a tree, didn't your father put up an aluminum pole?
||Jerry! Stop it!
||And weren't there a feats of strength that always ended up with you crying?
||I can't take it anymore! I'm going to work! ARe you happy now?! (Gathers his things, and runs out of the coffee shop. Elaine and Jerry laugh hysterically)
||Oh, I can't believe it! I've lost my "Atomic Sub" card!.. Oh no! I bet I wrote that fake number on the back of it when I gave it to denim vest!
||I've eaten 23 bad subs, I just need 1 more! It's like a long, bad movie, but you want to see the end of it!
||No, you walk out.
||Alright, then, it's like a boring book, but you gotta finish it.
||No, you wait for the movie!
||(Irritated, and through clinched teeth) I want that free sub.
||You don't need the card. High-end hoagie outfit like that, it's all computerized! (Snaps) They're cloning sheep now.
||(Correcting) No, they're not cloning sheep. It's the same sheep! I saw Harry Blackstone do that trick with two goats and a handkerchief on the old Dean Martin show!
||So, why don't you just try your blow-off number and see if he's called it?
||That's a good idea.
||(Answering phone) Yeah, Go! Wha.. really? Yeah, ok. Yeah! Bye. (Hangs up) Great news! Yeah, the strike has been settled. I'm going back to work.
||Yeah, H&H Bagels. That's where I worked.
||Yeah. Look, see. I still have my business card. (Pulls it out, hands it to Elaine) Yeah, we've been on strike for 12 years.
||Oh, I remember seeing those guys picketing out there, but I haven't seen them in a long time.
||Yeah, well, H&H wouldn't let us use their bath room while we were picketing. It put a cramp on our solidarity.
||What were your.. demands?
||Yeah, 5.35 an hour. And that's what they're paying now.
||I believe that's the new minimum wage.
||Now you know who to thank for that!.. Alright, I've got to go. (Heads for the door)
||Why didn't you ever mention this?
||Jerry, I didn't want you to know I was out of work. It's embarrassing! (Leaves) (Scene ends)
||H&H Bagel Shop]
||All right, everybody! I'm back!
||Who are you?
||Cosmo Kramer.. strikes over.
||Oh yeah! Kramer.
||Huh.. wha- Didn't any of the guys come back?
||NO, I"m sure they all got jobs.. like, ten years ago.
||Oh, man. Makes you wonder what it was all for..
||I could use someone for the holidays..
||Alright! Toss me an apron, let's bagel! (Takes off his coat, puts it in the display case, then turns to see a plate full of bagels.) What are those?
||Those are rasin bagels.
||(Picks one up, he's mesmerized) I never thought I'd live to see that..
||Horse Track Betting]
||So, anyway, I've been giving out your number as my standard fake.
||So. You're Elaine Benes. We've been getting calls fro you for 5 years.
||So, listen, when this guy calls, if you could just give him my real number..
||(Interrupting) Hey, Charlie! Guess who's here. Elaine Benes.
||You make a lot of man friends. You know who's a man? Charlie here, he's a man. You know who else? Me. I'm a man.
||(faintly) I'm a man.
||I'll have this best guy call your real number. You just, uh, give it to me. And that way, I'll have it. (Slides a pad over to Elaine so she can write it down)
||My number? Ohh.. (looks at Kramer's business card) Okay.. Uh, well, there you go. (writes H&H's number down) And, uh, tell you what.. (looks at the board in the back) put a sawbuck on Captain Nemo in the third at Belmont.
||Actually, I'm having dinner with a girl I met at your party.
||(Not willing to believe how much uglier she is) Really?
||Yeah! Come on, our table is ready.
||So, attractive one day - not attractive the next?
||Have you come across this?
||Yes, I am familiar with this syndrome -- she's a two-face.
||(Relating) Like the Batman villain?
||(Annoyed) If that helps you..
||So, if I ask her out again - I don't know who's showing up The good, the bad, or the ugly.
||(Identifying what Jerry said) Clint Eastwood!
||Hey, check this out. I gotta give out Christmas presents to everyone down at Kruger, so I'm pulling a Whatley. (Give a Christmas card to Jerry)
||(Reading it) "A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund." - What is that?
||(With pride) Made it up.
||(Continuing reading) "The Human Fund. Money for people."
||What do you think?
||It has a certain understated stupidity.
||(Once again, Identifying) The Outlaw of Josey Whales!
||Ah, gentlemen.. bagels on the house!
||How was your first day?
||Oh, fantastic! (Jerry and George both pick out a bagel) It felt so good to get my hands back in taht dough.
||Your hands were in the dough?
||No, I didn't make these bagels. (Jerry and George both take a bite) Yeah, they're day-olds. The homeless won't even touch them. (Jerry and George stop eating) Oh, we try to fool them by putting a few fresh ones on top, but they dig.. they, they test.
||Alright. Uh, well, I'm out of here. (Gets up to leave)
||When George was growing up..
||Stop it! It's nothing. It's a stupid holiday my father invented. It doesn't exist!
||Happy Festivus, Georgie.
||Frank invented a holiday? He's so prolific!
||Kramer, listen, I got a little phone relay going, so, if a guy calls H&H and he's looking for me, you take a message.
||You're still trying to gget that free sub?
||Hey! I have spent a lot of time, and I have eaten a lot of crap to get to where I am today. And I am NOT throwing it all away now.
||Is there a captain's hat involved in this?
||H&H Bagel Shop]
||Kramer, I got your message. I haven't celebrated Festivus in years! What is your interest?
||Well, just tell me everything, huh?
||Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reach for the last one they had - but so did another man. As I rained blows opon him, I realized there had to be another way!
||What happened to the doll?
||It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. "A Festivus for the rest of us!"
||That musta been some kind of doll.
||Kruger Office Building]
||Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas! (Co-worker gives a gift to George) Oh, Sandy! Here is a little something for you.. (hands her a card)
||(After reading the cheap gift, she's suddenly unimpressed) ..Oh.. thanks. (Walks off)
||Phil, I loved those cigars! Incoming! (Flicks his card tward Phil)
||Aw, Mr. Kruger, Sir. Merry Christmas! (Hands him a card)
||Not if you could see our books.. what's this?
||The Human Fund.
||Whatever. (Walks off)
||Exactly. (Sees an off-camera co-worker) Erica!
||H&H Bagel Shop]
||And at the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and you tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.
||Is there a tree?
||No. Instead, there's a pole. It requires not decoration. I find tinsel distracting.
||Frank, this new holiday of yours is scratching me right where I itch.
||Let's do it then! Festivus is back! I'll get the pole out of the crawl space. (Turns to leave, meets up with Elaine)
||Hello, woman. (leaves)
||Kramer! Kramer.. any word from the vest?
||No. (To manager of H&H) Ah, listen, Harry, I need the 23rd off.
||Hey! I hired you to work during the holidays. This is the holidays.
||But it's Festivus.
||You know you're infringing on my right to celebrate new holidays..
||That's not a right.
||Well, it's going to be! Because I'm going back on strike. Come on Elaine. (Takes of his apron, and goes for his coat) It's a walk out!
||No, I got to stay here and wait for the call.
||What? You're siding with management?!
||No, I just..
||(Interrupting) Scab! Scab! (pointing at Elaine) Scab!
||Boy, am I glad to see you.
||You were expecting someone else?
||You never know.
||(To driver) You know, you might want to take the tunnel.
||So, uh, what do you feel like eating? Chinese or Italian?
||I can go either way.
||(Shocked) You're telling me.
||the Coffee Shop]
||So, she was switching? Back and forth?
||Actually, the only place she always looked good was in that back booth over there.
||So, just bring her here. This is all you really need.
||I can't just keep bringing her to the coffee shop. I mean, what if things, you know, progress?
||Alright, I'll give it a shot! I do really like this coffee shop. Nice cuff links, by the way.
||(Pointing to them) Office Christmas gift. I tell you, this Human Fund is a gold mine!
||That's not a french cuff shirt, you know.
||I know. I cut the button off and poked a hole with a letter opener.
||Oh, that's classy.
||Well, Happy Festivus.
||What is that? Is taht the pole?!
||George, Festivus is your heritage - it's part of who you are.
||(Sulking) That's why I hate it.
||There's a big dinner Tuesday night at Frank's house - everyone's invited.
||George, you're forgetting how much Festivus has meant to us all. I brought one of the casette tapes. (Franks pushes play, George as a child celebrating Festivus is heard)
||Read that poem.
||(Complaining) I can't read it. I need my glasses!
||You don't need glasses, you're just weak! You're weak!
||Leave him alone!
||Alright, George. It's time for the feats of strength.
||No! No! Turn it off! No feats of strength! (Gets up and starts running out of the coffee shop) I hate Festivus!
||We had some good times.
||I there. This is Kramer, and Frank.
||(Shocked at her ugliness, he stammers) Hello.
||So, you ready to go?
||Uh, why don't we stay here? The back booth just opened up. (They both walk to the booth and sit down. Suddenly, Gwen is attractive) Now this is a good looking booth.
||H&H Bagel Shop]
||Protect Festivus! Hey, no bagels, no bagels, no bagels, (Continues to chant)
||(To a waiting Elaine) Lady, if you want a sandwich, I'll make you a sandwich.
||(Whining) I want the one that I earned. (Phone rings) I'll get it. I'll get it! (Into phone) H&H, and Elaine.
||(From a phone booth right outside the store) Elaine, you should get out of there. I sabotaged the bagel machine last night. It's going down.
||What did you do?
||You've been warned.
||Oh, hi! (Waves at him)
||Hey, the steam valve's broke.
||Can we still make bagels?
||Sure. It's just a little steamy.
||Hey! How do you like your bagels now?!
||George, I got something for you. (Pulls a check from his pocket) I'm suppose to find a charity and throw some of the company's money at it. They all seem the same to me, so, what's the difference? (Hands the check to George)
||20 thousand dollars?
||Made out to the Human Fund. (Tries to enter his office, but it's locked) Oh, damn. I've locked myself out of my office again. Oh well. I'm going home.
||Jerry, how many times do we have to come to this.. place?
||Why? It's our place.
||I just found a rubber band in my soup.
||Oh.. I know who's cooking today!
||Hey! Surprise, surprise!
||I think I'm just gonna go.
||I'll be here.
||(Sees Gwen's meal) Hey, soup.
||She didn't touch it.
||Ohh.. Paco! (Flicks rubber band tward the kitchen) Hey, take a look at this. (Hands Jerry Kruger's check)
||20 thousand dollars from Kruger? You're not keeping this.
||I don't know.
||I've been doing a lot of thinking. This might be my chance to start giving something back.
||You want to give something back? Start with the 20 thousand dollars.
||You're going to start your own charity?
||I think I could be a philanthropist. a kick ass philanthropist! I would have all this money, and people would love me. Then they would come to me.. and beg! And if I felt like it, I would help them out. And then they would owe me big time! (Thinking to himself) .. First thing I'm gonna need is a driver..
||Outside H&H Bagels]
||Kramer, the vest just called.
||(Shocked by the way Elaine looks) Yama - Hama! It's fright night!
||Oh, yeah, I got a little steam bath. Listen, in 10 minutes, I'm gonna have my hands on that "Atomic Sub" card.
||(Embarrassed) Free sub. (Starts to leave) I'll see ya.
||It's Gwen.. We met .. at the coffee shop.
||I'm dating your friend, Jerry..
||Ahh.. I don't know who you really are, but I've seen Jerry's girlfriend, and she's not you. You're much better looking - and like, a foot taller.
||That's why we're always hiding in that coffee shop! He's afraid of getting caught.
||Oh, he's a tomcat.
||From Tim Whatley's party?
||You look.. different.
||I see you're still sticking with the denim. (He's wearing a denim coat) Do you have that card that I gave you?
||Well, I had it back at my place, but I can't go there now.. I'll give it to you later, or something.
||No, no, no. You give me your number.
||Okay. Sure. (Pulls out a pad, and starts writing a number down) Do you have the mumps?
||(Hands her the paper, and runs off) Yama - Hama!
||A fake number! Blimey!
||George, we have a problem. There's a memo, here, from accounting telling me there's no such thing as the Human Fund.
||Well, there could be.
||But there isn't.
||Well, I - I could, Uh, I could give the money back. Here. (Holds it out)
||George, I don't get it. If there's no Human Fund, those donation cards were fake. You better have a damn good reason why you gave me a fake Christmas gift.
||Well, sir, I - I gave out the fake card, because, um, I don't really celebrate Christmas. I, um, I celebrate Festivus.
||Festivus, Sir. And, uh, I was afraid that I would be persecuted for my beliefs. They drove my family out of Bayside, Sir!
||Are you making all this up, too?
||Oh, no, Sir. Festivus is all too real. And.. I could prove it - if I had to.
||Yeah, you probably should.
||The Costanza's house]
||George? This is a surprise. (Looking at Kruger) Who's the suit?
||Yo, dad. This is my boss, Mr. Kruger.
||Have you seen the pole, Kruger?
||Dad, he doesn't need to see the pole.
||He's gonna see it.
||Happy Festivus! (Sees Elaine) Yama - Hama!
||I didn't have time to go home. What are you doing here?
||Embracing my roots.
||They nailed you on the 20 G's?
||It's made from aluminum. Very high strength-to-weight ratio.
||I find your belief system fascinating.
||Hey! Happy Festivus, everyone! (Hugs George, and jumps up and down) Hee, hee, hee!
||Hello again, Miss Benes.
||What are you doing here?
||Damnedest thing.. me and Charlie were calling to ask you out, and, uh, we got this bagel place..
||(Finishing the story) I told them I was just about to see you.. It's a Festivus miracle!
||Dr.. Van Nostrand?
||Uh.. that's right.
||Welcome, new comers. The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you're gonna hear about it! You, Kruger. My son tells me your company stinks!
||(To George) Quiet, you'll get yours in a minute. Kruger, you couldn't smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe.. I lost my train of thought.
||Gwen! How'd you know I was here?
||Kramer told me.
||Another Festivus miracle!
||I guess this is the ugly girl I've been hearing about.
||Hey, I was in a shvitz for 6 hours. Give me a break.
||Gwen. Gwen, wait! Ah! (runs back to his seat) Bad lighting on the porch.
||(To bookie) Hey, how'd my horse do?
||He had to be shot.
||And now as Festivus rolls on, we come to the feats of strength.
||Not the feats of strength..
||This year, the honor goes to Mr. Kramer.
||Uh-oh. Oh, gee, Frank, I'm sorry. I gotta go. I have to work a double shift at H&H.
||I thought you were on strike?
||Well, I caved. I mean, I really had to use their bathroom. Frank, no offence, but this holiday is a little (makes a series of noises) out there.
||Kramer! You can't go! Who's gonna do the feats of strength?
||(Sipping liquor from a flask) How about George?
||Good thinking, Kruger. Until you pin me, George, Festivus is not over!
||Oh, please, somebody, stop this!
||(Taking off his sweater) Let's rumble!
||I think you can take him, Georgie!
||Oh, come on! Be sensible.
||Stop crying, and fight your father!
||Ow! .. Ow! I give, I give! Uncle!
||This is the best Festivus ever!
||H&H Bagel Shop]
||Alright. That's enough. You're fired.
||Thank - you! (Gets his coat, and leaves)