||Alright, be careful with the car, babe.
||And don't move the seat, I got it right where I like it.
||Two and ten, babe.
||Don't peel out.
||"Jesus is one, Jesus is all, Jesus picks me up when I fall..." Elaine changes the stations but all of the presets are set to religious radio stations; "And he said unto Abraham...", "Amen! Amen!", "So we pray...", "Saved!", "Jey-sus!" She turns off the radio.)
||According to our latest quarterly thing,Kruger Industrial Smoothing is heading into the red. Or the black, or whatever the bad one is. Any thoughts?
||Well, I know when I'm a little strapped, I sometimes drop off my rent check having forgotten to sign it. That could buy us some time.
||Works for me. Good thinking, George.
||Way to go man.
||Or we don't even send the check and then when they call, we pretend we're the cleaning service. Heh heh. "Hello? I sorry, no here Kruger."
||Are you done? Silly voices, c'mon people, let's get real.
||That was bad.
||I had 'em, Jerry. They loved me.
||I lost them. I can usually come up with one good comment during a meeting but by the end it's buried under a pile of gaffs and bad puns.
||Showmanship, George. When you hit that high note, you say goodnight and walk off.
||I can't just leave.
||That's the way they do it in Vegas.
||You never played Vegas.
||I hear things.
||Here's one. I borrowed Puddy's car and all the presets on his radio were Christian rock stations.
||I like Christian rock. It's very positive. It's not like those real musicians who think they're so cool and hip.
||So, you think that Puddy actually believes in something?
||It's a used car, he probably never changed the presets.
||Yes, he is lazy.
||Plus he probably doesn't even know how to program the buttons.
||Yes, he is dumb.
||So you prefer dumb and lazy to religious?
||Dumb and lazy, I understand.
||Tell you how you could check.
||Reprogram all the buttons, see if he changes them back. You know? The old switcheroo.
||No, no, the old switcheroo is you poison your drink then you switch it with the other person's.
||No, it's doing the same thing to someone that they did to you.
||Yeah, Elaine's gonna do the same thing to Puddy's radio that the radio did to her.
||Well that's the gist of it!
||Quiet! So where is this Sophie?
||Oh, she's picking me up in a few minutes.
||How long have you two been together?
||I dunno. Since the last one. Oh, here she is. You wanna meet her?
||By the way, how did Puddy get back in the picture?
||I needed to move a bureau.
||Hey Jerry, you got any pepper?
||Hey Mickey. Check the pepper shaker.
||Yeah. (inhales some pepper then sneezes violently) See? It should sound like that, something like that.
||A little wetter. See, I didn't believe it.
||What's with the fake sneezing?
||Yeah, we're going down to Mt. Sinai Hospital, See they hire actors to help the students practice diagnosing.
||They assign you a specific disease and you act out the symptoms. It's an easy gig.
||Do medical schools actually do this?
||Well the better ones. Alright, let's practice retching.
||I think the phone is ringing.
||Would you hold it a second?! Thank you, will you get out of here with that stuff?
||Hey. It's me.
||No, it's me.
||Jerry, it's Sophie. I can't believe you don't recognize my voice.
||Oh, I knew it was you, I was joking. I'm a comedian.
||You got any Ipecac?
||Ipecac? Kramer, I really think you guys are going too far with this.
||No, Mickey, he swallowed twelve aspirin.
||Did he overdose?
||No, it's just too much.
||...And it gets worse. The team working on the statue in Lafayette Square kind of over-smoothed it. They ground the head down to about the size of a softball, and that spells trouble.
||Alright, well why don't we smooth the head down to nothing, stick a pumpkin under its arm and change the nameplate to Ichabod Crane?
||(getting up and leaving) Alright! That's it for me. Goodnight everybody.
||In your packet you will find the disease you have been assigned and the symptoms you will need to exhibit.
||Bacterial Meningitis. Jackpot!
||Gonorrhea? You wanna trade?
||Sorry buddy, this is the "Hamlet" of diseases. Severe pain, nausea, delusions, it's got everything.
||Okay, what do you got?
||The surgeon left a sponge inside me.
||Good luck with that.
||I knew I had hit my high note so I thanked the crowd and I was gone.
||What did you do the rest of the day?
||I saw "Titanic". So that old woman, she's just a liar, right?
||And a bit of a tramp if you ask me.
||Hey, so, did you give that radio the old switcheroo?
||And the Christian rock?
||Ressurected! And look what I pried off of his bumper, a Jesus fish!
||Jerry, do you have any fishsticks?
||No. So you're disappointed he's a spiritual person?
||Well yeah, I got him because he seemed so one-dimensional, I feel misled.
||I think it's neat. You don't hear that much about god anymore.
||I hear things. Hey, so Sophie gave me the "It's me" on the phone today.
||"It's me?" Isn't it a little premature?
||I thought so.
||Hah. She's not a "me". I'm a "me".
||I'm against all "it's me"s. So self-absorbed and egotistical, it's like those hip musicians with their complicated shoes!
||Well, I got gonorrhea.
||That seems about right.
||That's what they gave me.
||They? The Government?
||No, no. He's pretending he's got gonorrhea so med students can diagnose it.
||And it's a waste of my talent. It's just a little burning. Mickey, he got bacterial meningitis.
||I guess there are no small diseases, only small actors.
||(leaving) Alright that's it for me. Good night everybody.
||What was that?
||Showmanship, George is trying to get out on a high note.
||See, showmanship. Maybe that's what my gonorrhea is missing.
||Yes! Step into that spotlight and belt that gonorrhea out to the back row.
||Yes, yes I will! I'm gonna make people feel my gonorrhea, and feel the gonorrhea themselves.
||And are you experiencing any discomfort?
||Just a little burning during urination.
||Okay, any other pain?
||The haunting memories of lost love. May I? (signals to Mickey) Lights? (Mickey turns down the lights and Kramer lights a cigar) Our eyes met across the crowded hat store. I, a customer, and she a coquettish haberdasher. Oh, I pursued and she withdrew, then she pursued and I withdrew, and so we danced. I burned for her, much like the burning during urination that I would experience soon afterwards.
||One message. Hope it's not from you.
||"Hey Jerry, it's me. Call me back."
||She's still doing that?
||Alright, I'll tell you what you do. You call her back and give her the "it's me", heh? Pull the old switcheroo.
||I think that's a "what's good for the goose is good for the gander".
||What the hell is a gander, anyway?
||(picking up the phone and dialing) It's a goose that's had the old switcheroo pulled on it. Hi Sophie, it's me.
||(to George) She thinks it's someone named Raef.
||Good, let her think it.
||(into the phone, with a disguised voice) So, what's going on?
||Not a lot.
||Ask about you, ask about you.
||So, uh, how are things with Jerry?
||Oh, I really like him but, well, I still haven't told him the tractor story.
||Right, right, the tractor story.
||Are you sick, Raef? You sound kinda funny.
||I sound funny?
||Yeah I better get to a doctor, bye. (Hangs up) That was close! What drives me to take chances like that?
||That was very real.
||She said there's some tractor story that she hasn't told me about.
||Woah, back it up, back it up. Beep, beep, beep. Tractor story?
||Beep, beep, beep? What are you doing?
||So where do you wanna eat?
||Feels like an Arby's night.
||Arby's. Beef and cheese and do you believe in god?
||Oh. So, you're pretty religious?
||So is it a problem that I'm not really religious?
||Not for me.
||I'm not the one going to hell.
||You know what I think? I bet she stole a tractor.
||No one's stealing a tractor, it's a five-mile-an-hour getaway. We're dancing around the obvious, it's gotta be disfigurement.
||Does she walk around holding a pen she never seems to need?
||No, she looks completely normal.
||Oh. Okay, here it is, I got it. She lost her thumbs in a tractor accident and they grafted her big toes on. They do it every day.
||You think she's got toes for thumbs?
||How's her handshake? A little firm, isn't it? Maybe a little too firm?
||I don't know.
||Hands a little smelly?
||Why do I seek your counsel?
||Well I'm going to hell.
||That seems about right.
||According to Puddy.
||Hey, have you heard the one about the guy in hell with the coffee and the doughtnuts and--
||I'm not in the mood.
||(To a passing waitress) I'll have some coffee and a doughnut.
||What do you care? You don't believe in hell.
||I know, but he does.
||So it's more of a relationship problem than the final destination of your soul.
||Well, relationships are very important to me.
||Maybe you can strike one up with the prince of darkness as you burn for all eternity.
||(to the waitress bringing his doughnut) And a slice of devil's food cake.
||Hey. Where is everyone?
||They're all off the project. They were boring. George, you are my main man.
||I don't know what it is, I can't put my finger on it, but lately you have just seemed 'on'. And you always leave me wanting more.
||This is a huge project involving lots of numbers and papers and folders.
||Ah, I'm not too worried about it. Let's get started.
||George? Check it out. (He begins to spin around in his chair) Three times around, no feet.
||Alright, and here are you ailments for this week. By the way, Mr. Kramer, you were excellent.
||Oh, thank you.
||Cirrhosis of the liver with jaundice! Alright I get to wear make-up! What did you get?
||Gonorrhea? Excuse me, I think there's been a mistake, see, I had gonorrhea last week.
||Oh, it's no mistake. We loved what you did with it.
||I don't believe this, I'm being typecast.
||I move my knight... here. Check.
||They should update these pieces, nobody rides horses anymore. Maybe they should change it to a tractor.
||Jerry, are you embarrassed that you're losing?
||Losing? You know, yesterday I lost control of my car, almost bought the farm.
||Bought the farm?
||This is an odd side of you, Jerry. I feel uncomfortable.
||Wait, don't go. Let's thumb wrestle.
||A big long scar where her leg would dangle when she's riding a...?
||I'm sure she's a little self-conscious and doesn't like to talk about it.
||I don't see why's she more self-conscious about that than her toe thumbs.
||She doesn't have toe thumbs.
||Well, if she keeps horsing around with that tractor--
||Alright. So how's the two-man operation at Kruger?
||Two-man? It's all me. Kruger doesn't do anything; Disappears for hours at a time, gives me fake excuses. This afternoon I found him with sleep creases on his face. The only reason I got out to get a bite today was that he finally promised to buckle down and do some actual work. (turning around, George sees Mr. Kruger at a booth eating a piece of cake) Oh, I don't believe this. This is what I have to put up with, Jerry. (He walks over) Mr. Kruger? Who said he was going to do some actual work today? Who?
||I'm not too worried about it.
||Well I am. Couldn't you try to go through some of that stuff I put in your shoebox?
||Alright, alright I'm going.
||(to Jerry) Huh-ho! Have you ever seen anything like this?
||Elaine, they forgot to deliver your paper today. Why don't you just grab that one.
||'Cause that belongs to Mr. Potato Guy, that's his.
||C'mon, get it.
||Well if you want it, you get it.
||Sorry, thou shalt not steal.
||Oh, but it's ok for me?
||What do you care, you know where you're going.
||Alright, that is it! I can't live like this.
||Alright, what did I do?
||David, I'm going to hell! The worst place in the world! With devils and those caves and the ragged clothing! And the heat! My god, the heat! I mean, what do you think about all that?
||Gonna be rough.
||Uh, you should be trying to save me!
||Don't boss me! This is why you're going to hell.
||I am not going to hell and if you think I'm going to hell, you should care that I'm going to hell even though I am not.
||You stole my Jesus fish, didn't you?
||Yeah, that's right!
||Oh, my liver! Why did I drink all those years? Why did I look for love in a bottle?
||Mr. Kramer? You're up.
||Wait a minute. You are doing gonorrhea, aren't you?
||Well, we'll see.
||So, what seems to be bothering you today, Mr. Kramer?
||(pulling a liquor bottle from his jacket pocket) Well, I guess it started about twenty years ago when I got back from Viet Nam, and this was the only friend I had left.
||Hey! That's my cirrhosis! He's stealing my cirrhosis! (he jumps Kramer) You wanna be sick? I'll make you sick.
||Cirrhosis of the liver and PCP addiction?
||Let me see if I understand this. You're concerned that he isn't concerned that you're going to hell. And you feel that she's too bossy.
||Yeah, that's right.
||Well, oftentimes in cases of inter-faith marriages, couples have difficulty--
||We're just, you know, having a good time.
||Oh, well then it's simple. You're both going to hell.
||No way, this is bogus, man!
||Well, thank you father.
||Oh, did you hear the one about the new guy in hell who's talkng to the devil by the coffee machine?
||I'm really not in the mood, I'm going to hell.
||Oh, lighten up. It'll only feel like an eternity.
||You know, Jerry, there's this thing that I haven't told you about. See, there was this tractor and, oh boy, this is really difficult.
||Sophie, it's me. I know about the tractor story and I'm fine with it.
||How could you know?
||(putting his finger to Sophie's lips, then to his own, then back to Sopie's) Shh. Shh. Shh. It's not important. What's important is I'm not gonna let a little thing like that ruin what could be a very long-term and meaningful relationship.
||...I didn't say that, no.
||You gave me gonorrhea, you didn't even tell me!
||Well, I'm sorry. I gave you gonorrhea because I thought you'd have fun with it.
||Hey, hey! I'm with someone.
||No, I understand. This could be a tough thing to deal with. The important thing is that you have a partner who's supportive.
||(to Mickey) You know? She's right.
||Unfortunately, I didn't have a partner. I got gonorrhea from a tractor.
||You got gonorrhea from a tractor?? And you call *that* your tractor story??
||You can't get it from that.
||But I did. My boyfriend said I got gonorrhea from riding the tractor in my bathing suit.
||(walking out) Alright, that's it for me. You've been great. Goodnight everybody.
||Would you mind helping me out with some of this stuff?!?
||You seem like you've got a pretty good handle on it.
||No! I don't! Don't you even care? This is your company! It's your name on the outside of the building! Speaking of which, the 'R' fell off and all it says now is K-uger!
||K-uger, that sounds like one of those old-time car horns, huh? K-uger! K-uger!
||Huh-ho! Oh! You are too much, Mr. Kruger! Too much!
||(getting up to leave) Thank you George, you've been great. That's it for me.
||Oh no, you're not going out on a high note with me Mr. Kruger!
||In memory of our friend, Lloyd Bridges.